Since the Feds have taken over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, you can expect sheer unmitigated chaos in the markets Monday morning. I can't help you with real investment advice, but I can help you find some of the buys, sells, and holds in Big Ten football after two weeks.

Right now I'm making Penn State's Spread HD offense a strong buy. Last season PSU fans would've traded Jay Paterno for some pocket lint and half a Twix bar, but the early returns on his new boy-wonder offense are quite promising indeed. Sure, it helps that the defense is playing out of its heads and didn't miss two suspended starters on the defensive line one bit against Oregon State (yes, yes, I know, I was wrong; it's not like it's the first time), but the offense has been nothing short of brilliant so far. With their next two games against Syracuse and Temple, look for big gaudy offensive numbers and lots of hype heading into the September 27 game with Illinois. And, the way the Illini defense has played so far, they might well have gaudy numbers after that game, too. It might take until October 11th's Wisconsin game to know if the Spread HD is just a dog-and-pony show, but for now, it looks like the real deal. You want in on the ground floor of this one.

Ohio? O H I O Ohio? Really? Them's the facts and we write them. Ohio State beat Ohio U 26-14 today, and did it without injured back Beanie Wells but hoo boy was it ugly. The Buckeyes were listless in trailing 7-6 at halftime. They later found themselves trailing 14-6 in the third quarter before getting their acts together.

Of no surprise, the Buckeyes' defense saved the day, forcing five turnovers against an otherwise poised Bobcat team. Several methodical offensive drives in crunch time provided the winning margin as Ohio's offense was shut down through most of the second half.

A more dominant Buckeye victory almost assuredly would have set up a No. 1 vs. No. 2 battle next Saturday in Los Angeles against USC. Look for them to drop in the polls, however. The good news for them is that they did emerge victorious and Wells appears to be ready to be cleared to play at some point. The national media will still converge upon L.A. and week three will have its marquee game. All is not lost.

Every Thursday, Pickin' on the Big Ten breaks down action across the conference.

ABOVE: Rich Rodriguez manually adjusts his offense's expectations.

You always think you have it figured out, then you find out you were more than a little bit wrong. I thought Mark Dantonio had rewritten the usual rules of Sparty Logic (figure out what MSU should do against a particular team, then predict them to do the complete opposite, and bask in the glow of being right). I totally forgot that Sparty Logic was going to rub up against Tedford Logic (chew up the physical defenses, get totally flustered by finesse), creating a swirling white-hot vortex of derrrr centered right on my forehead.

And that other Michigan team? I don't even want to talk about them. Apparently they can lose two home openers in a row.

All this is a long-winded way of saying I went 8-2 in the first week, which seems pretty good, except the first week's games are usually easier to pick than low-hanging fruit. I can't promise to do better this week. I can and do promise to try. It helps that there's only two real games this week.

With Ohio State up comfortably in the third quarter over Youngstown State, Chris Wells went down with what looked to be a serious foot injury. It looked to be a freak injury as he was not hit on the play. He just went down anguishing in pain. It didn't look to be an ankle injury as he was holding the middle of his foot on the ground.

Wells is a big part of the Ohio State offense, and his loss could seriously hurt the Buckeye's chances at getting back to a third straight national title. We'll update as news on his status becomes available.

Update 330pm: No links, but it is being reported that x-rays came back negative on Wells. No word on if he will be fine for the Ohio game next week. But this is great news for Ohio State.

Score that two former USC players running smack ahead of the Ohio State game. Everyone's favorite not-so-slightly doughy back made sure to let everyone know what he thinks of Ohio State before ESPN cameras. There's some context of course, as it was a friendly -- if random -- comment as the Jim Rome show followed Titans lineman Kevin Mawae for a feature.

Audio

Sayeth Rome: "White's comment was a complete non sequitur"

The segment will broadcast Friday on "Rome Is Burning" (4:30 p.m. Eastern, ESPN), the game will be played Sept. 13th in Los Angeles. The Trojans would probably be heavy favorites with White, but the continued noise coming from former USC players can only have the effect of working against USC in Las Vegas.

(Via: Sports by Brooks)

Every Thursday, Pickin' on the Big Ten breaks down action across the conference.

ABOVE: Sadly, Ohio State vs. Ohio State might be the best conference game of the season.

Are they over?

Are you sure?

Good. Can I admit now I didn't watch the Olympics at all last week?

Why would I, with the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year so quickly upon us? Why watch actual competition, real human drama, and the 43rd time-filler about strange things they eat in China when I could be hard at work trying to find out if 'Coastal Carolina' is a real university or just something they made up for a minor plot line on Dawson's Creek?

Really, to give the games in the first week of the season any thought at all is to give them more thought than they deserve. If you scratch real hard you might find half of a good game in the Big Ten this weekend. Of course, that's what I thought last year, and you know how that turned out. But what difference does it make? College football is back. Sort of. The really good games are a couple weeks off. But with most of the Midwest now getting the Big Ten Network, at least we'll be able to see these oh-so-compelling matchups.

Attention KMart shoppers: We have a blue light special in Columbus, where right now we're offering 22% off of national championship winning coaches. So says Forbes, which is out with a list it calls The Best (And Worst) College Football Coaches For The Buck (slideshow warning). According to their algorithm, Jim Tressel's $2.6 million annual salary is under the market rate for coaches with similar achievements. The Buckeye boss should be making just under $3.2 million a year.

That sounds like a lot of money, mostly because it is. Yet Forbes says that even Pete Carroll (2007 compensation estimated at $4.4 million) is underpaid. They say Southern Cal's coach should be making about a Chevy Cobalt more than $5 million a year, based on his two national titles. (No word on how the Stanford loss affected his overall value, alas.)

So cheer up, Buckeye fans; you may have lost two straight BCS Title Games, but (a) you actually made it to two straight BCS Title Games, and (b) you didn't overpay for the privilege.

Of course, if somebody's underpaid, somebody's overpaid too. Who's the most overpaid coach in college football, according to Forbes? Hint: his name rhymes with "irk parents."

I question the timing. Not really, I'm only mock cynical here, but it's exactly what you'd expect from a major program with two layups before The Game Of The Year in college football.

Ohio State defensive backs Donald Washington and Jamario O'Neal told reporters Thursday at media day that they've been suspended for the first two games of the season ... Neither player elaborated on the reasons for the suspensions.

That'd be against Youngstown State and Ohio, where the backups will be in before halftime anyway. I'm sure Coach Tressel would have been more comfortable with his defensive backs at least getting some game action before facing USC but them's the breaks. Washington is a starter and O'Neal contributes heavily as a backup.

They will soon be joined (we assume) by teammate Doug Worthington on the suspension list once a punishment is determined for his recent DUI arrest. In the name of balance we point you towards the story of a USC linebacker recruit recently convicted on charges related to a robbery. Oh and Rey Maualuga in women's unmentionables. And Reggie Bush's never-ending stiff-arm of the NCAA.

1. James Laurinaitis, LB, THE Ohio State University: I hope Laurinaitis is ready for the backlash, because after we all decide we're sick of being sick of hearing about T** T***w, Laurinaitis is probably next on our scorn list. Pity. In a league that always has a sampler platter of great linebackers, Laurinaitis is a standout among the standouts, and there isn't much left for him to accomplish. He already has a Nagurski Award and a Butkus Award to go along with more conference-based awards than just about any defensive player ever. So, yeah, he's pretty good, even if we're all going to be sick of hearing Brent Musberger talk about him by, say, late September. Or at least we would be, if not for all the time Musberger is sure to spend talking about ...

2. Beanie Wells, RB, THE Ohio State University: This guy must be part cyborg. At 6'1" and somewhere in the 230s, he's just another prototypical Buckeye running back. You know the type. Big, not overly flashy, and about as easy to tackle as a 40-foot oak tree. Wells, however, has that magical 6th gear, the one that changes the sound of his motor from "vroooooom" to "Oh no you don't!" Wells is on every Heisman watch list out there; if anybody can knock off T** T***w, here he is.

HAI GUYS I THINK OHIO STATE MAY HAVE PARTICIPATED IN A COUPLE OF EMBARRASSING CONTESTS THE PAST COUPLE JANUARYS WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT I THINK THEY'RE SCARED OF MULLETS WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT I THINK THEY ARE AFRAID OF DEM SOUTHERN BOYS WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT WOO THE SOUTH RISES AGAIN

WHY THEY'LL WIN

The nation reserves its scorn for the two-time defending National-Championship-game whipping boy, but it was quite an accomplishment for Ohio State to even make the NC game minus a whopping nine starters from their defense plus every starter at an offensive skill position. Remember: 2007 was supposed to be Ohio State's down year. This was supposed to be the up year, and it's easy to see why: terrifyingly, last year's two deep had all of five seniors on it, and three of them were fullbacks. On defense, every player of note returns save edge-rushing terror Vernon Gholston, and those guys were good: the #1 scoring defense, the #1 defense overall. On offense, Beanie Wells is one of the favorites for the Heisman trophy and the offensive line is burly, talented, and experienced. The passing game... well, whatever. Who needs to pass?