NCAA Football auburn Tigers

It's come to this, Alabama fans are tailgating outside of a new play based on Bear Bryant's life. Which is an improvement over what they would have been doing if Mike Shula was still coach, lighting themselves on fire with their red and white pom-pons in the parking lot. The play, entitled Bear Country, will be playing at Birmingham's Shakespeare Festival from August 6-20. It's already debuted to rave reviews and sellouts in Montgomery, Ala. In honor of the Bear, I decided that nothing would make more sense than a play about four fans tailgating before Bear's play begins. So here goes.

Characters:

Dale -- A 45-year old owner of an auto-body repair shop who fixes cars while wearing a houndstooth cap. His first child was named Bear, his second was named Bryant. He is now divorced.

In all honesty, this story shouldn't be viewed as one of sadness, anger, bitterness, or back-stabbing.

Instead, it should serve as a cautionary tale. After all, the pressures and rigors involved with big-time college football aren't for anyone. As offensive coordinator Tony Franklin learned last year at Auburn, it certainly isn't for him.

First-year Iowa State football coach Paul Rhoads is definitely trying to drum up support for his program anyway he can.

Rhoads has joined a recent trend of football coaches across the country, jumping aboard a tour bus and coming face-to-face with the Cyclones faithful in Iowa. In scenes reminiscent of our nation's latest presidential campaign, Rhoads is shaking hands, kissing babies and making big promises during his city-to-city Tailgate Tour.

Auburn's new coach Gene Chizik has remained under the radar thus far. Fortunately here at the ClayNation column we became aware that each new coach has to stand up and introduce himself to the other SEC coaches at the annual coaches meeting.

Fortunately we were able to capture the entirety of this fabricated introduction. And now we can fabricate it for your enjoyment today. Meet Gene Chizik. Already his introductory speech is being called the Gettysburg Address of Auburn football.

The SEC coaches meetings rolled into Destin, Fla., this week, and Lane Kiffin washed ashore.

You know Kiffin, the man who brought a Molotov cocktail to the SEC tea party, the guy who coaches like tickets have to be sold for the latest WWE event. You halfway expect for him to enter press conferences wearing orange tights, grab the mike, scream invectives at his rivals, then spike the microphone, kiss his biceps, and leave without taking questions. Kiffin coaches college football like Vince McMahon helms the WWE, it's all about creating a buzz.

Bo Jackson, the 1985 Heisman Trophy winner, returned to Auburn Saturday to give the school's commencement address.

Every Monday during college football's endless offseason, The FanHouse Walk will put last week's stories to bed and deliver the essentials to bridge that agonizing space between now and September.

Mr. BCS Goes To Washington -- Except I have a feeling Jimmy Stewart would find some way to rail against the BCS, however wrongheadedly. You see, the big word in the halls of Congress on Friday was "fair" but don't let that confuse you. While the Mountain West and certain members of Congress are using the fairness term to stoke public support, their real concern is about money.

Every Monday during college football's endless offseason, The FanHouse Walk will put last week's stories to bed and deliver the essentials to bridge that agonizing space between now and September.

The Obvious -- The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and what's emerged from countless hours of coverage is a recurring theme of late: USC and SEC dominance. The Trojans had 11 players chosen in this year's draft, including a kicker and eight total defensive players from one of the better collegiate defenses of this era.

Meanwhile, 37 SEC players were chosen, topping last year's 35 and besting the second-place ACC's 33. USC also tied a draft record with four linebackers selected in a single draft. Their 11 overall selections bested last year's 10-player performance and again paced all colleges in the draft.

Every Monday during college football's endless offseason, The FanHouse Walk will put last week's stories to bed and deliver the essentials to bridge that agonizing space between now and September.

Was He Even Alive Then? -- Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin dove back to the pre-disco era in describing his football team after a recent scrimmage. "I feel like we're in the '60s right now with our offense. We've got to run the ball and throw play-action right now. That's about all we can do. It's pretty scary right now."

Mercifully football has moved beyond '60s era mundanity, but Tennessee fans might welcome '60s results as the Vols snagged two SEC championships over the decade.

Recently it was revealed that Auburn had paid Arkansas State $1 million to guarantee their game in 2010. The big-spending beat must go on in major college athletics but one million dollars for these gimme games is sort of a magical threshold.

Worse, it's evidence of Auburn going back to its bad habits. At times the Tigers have played USC, Georgia Tech, South Florida and Kansas State in non-conference games this decade with Clemson on the 2010 slate, but they're absolutely addicted to these tomato cans. That 2010 schedule also includes Louisiana-Monroe and Chattanooga which isn't even an upper division program.