NCAA Football All That And A Bag Of Mail

Last week I wrote about the controversy over The South Will Rise Again chant at Ole Miss. In that piece I noted that Ole Miss was the only SEC school that couldn't escape the South's past. Now a new controversy is here, the Klu Klux Klan is protesting for this week's game against LSU. Seriously.

Faulkner memorably said, "The past is never dead. It's not even past."

And when it comes to Ole Miss that's certainly the case.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is, be still my beating heart, my coaching crush Mike Leach. As if it weren't enough that he went on "Friday Night Lights" -- spoiler alert, I have to wait until January to watch the show because I don't have DirecTV -- after the loss to Texas A&M, Leach blamed the loss, partly, on the players' "fat little girlfriends." Given the status of bingo wings in Florida, Urban Meyer should file this excuse away. It's much better than blaming the flu for poor performances.

Not to be outdone, as reader Chris V. e-mails, "There is now a website up selling apparel at fatlittlegirlfriend.com.

Outstanding.

By the time you read this, I'll be on a Southwest flight to Jacksonville for the Cocktail Party. Already your costume suggestions are arriving, and I have to say, I think we have a winner. The suggestion is actually genius. It involves a Baby Bjorn, aviator sunglesses, and ... the pictures will be ready soon. But leaving that aside, let me give you a tip this weekend, the time changes. The f'ing time, it always screws you somehow. Even if, to be fair, the night after Halloween is a pretty epic time for an extra hour of sleep.

I've always hated the time change because I live in Nashville, right at the beginning of the central time zone. This means that during the winter it gets light at 3AM and dark here at 3PM. This is only a subtle exaggeration. The worst thing about this city is that it encourages people to get up way too early in the morning. I've lived on the East Coast, in the Caribbean, and in Europe. In all of those places, it isn't considered an asset to get up at dawn. (Right: Nashville, approaching evening cocktails at 6AM)

Here? It's an asset.

By the time you read this I'll be at book signing in Birmingham. Then I'll be hanging out on the radio in Birmingham and Memphis for Friday. Getting prepped up for the UT-Alabama game. Which brings me to the above link, remember when you were a kid and you'd watch old games that your dad had seen and think they looked ancient. Well, meet the CBS introduction to Tennessee-Alabama from 1996.

My opinion on fall weddings is clear: They shouldn't exist. Notwithstanding that fact, by the time you read this I'll be traveling to Atlanta for a wedding. My role? I'm an usher. Seriously, an usher. The quintessential position for men at weddings when you're not well-respected enough to stand in front of the crowd, but too well-known by the bride and groom to be left in the crowd. Instead you help people be seated.

Which is a great and noble thing to do if you're like 16. If you're an usher and you're 30, you just look ridiculous. So tip your beaver pelts this way this weekend, I'll be the usher hitting refresh on his phone to see what the scores of all the games are.

Anyway, our beaver pelt trader of the week is Colt McCoy's girlfriend. For obvious reasons ... reasons for which you should consult with our good friends at Google image search. Then look for my column on weddings, football, and the like by Sunday afternoon.

On to All That and a Bag of Mail.

Ole Miss fans do not take kindly to being called white trash. Even when the person doing it is clearly just trying to get a rise out of them. In fact, they take so unkindly to it, that, should you do it, they'll find your home phone number, call your parents and threaten you with death. Ouch. They also might find out that you do some side work modeling. Luckily, local news is on the case as you can see by the preceding link.

So our beaver pelt trader of the week is this guy from Alabama.

Primarily because his 'Bama Bangs are so fantastic it's impossible for him to be injured by the angry mob of Mississippians who want him dead. His brain is encased with a force field of hair fluff. He'll survive. On to my picks against the French girl who has never seen football and All That and a Bag of Mail.

My dance with Comcast continues. After much prompting from my wife, I called this morning to report that our phone wasn't working. After 45 minutes on my cell phone, there is still no dial-tone on the home phone. What's more, in an effort to get the phone to work, Comcast turned off my internet. So now I'm writing this mailbag from my car. Parked on a side street, using a wireless signal in my neighborhood.

Comcastic!

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is David Letterman. If only all of us who have made dumb decisions in our lives could acknowledge and sweep them away this easily. For those of you who don't know, a CBS employee attempted to extort David Letterman over his dalliances with former writers. Which led to the line that will be attached to Letterman long after he's gone. "Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would," Letterman said. "Especially for the women."

On to All That and a Bag of Mail and my contest with France.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is whoever is responsible for the above video. Simply outstanding. The bride being knocked in the swimming pool by the best man is how every fall wedding should end.

In my continuing picks war with my family's former French exchange student Audrey, she bested me in week two and we are now tied overall in picking games. Last week, I went a robust 2-3-1 and she went 3-2-1 (we both pushed on Cal-Minnesota).

Total after two weeks:

Clay 6-5-1
Audrey 6-5-1

Yep, we're tied. Sigh.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is 16-year-old Cammie Colin, a cheerleader who killed a 10-foot alligator. Can I just make this public: I'd like to go on an alligator hunt. Will someone take me? E-mail me if so. I'll write about it.

Last week marked the inauguration of our season-long, Clay Travis vs. French girl competition. I'm pleased to report that I upheld all that is true and just in the world by trouncing Audrey, my family's former exchange student, 4-2 vs. 3-3.

This week we're picking these games. My picks are in bold.

The best thing about sports betting lines is how quickly picking against the spread humbles everyone. You know that guy who claims he's a sports genius? Have him pick against the line for a month. He'll shut up in a hurry. Lots of sports sites feature "experts" making picks. That's awesome, especially when they're just picking winners. That's easy and pointless, especially in college football. Real men (and women) pick against the spread. With that in mind, we're inaugurating a new feature at All That and a Bag of Mail for the 2009 season, I'm picking six games every week against a French woman, Audrey, who was my family's foreign exchange student a decade ago.

Audrey knows nothing about college football. She's never even watched a game in her entire life. Theoretically, I know much more than she does about the games. But who is better at picking against the spread? Who knows? We'll be keeping a running tally all season long. So enjoy our picks and then dive into All That and a Bag of Mail.