The SEC's Shifting Defensive Sands originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:36:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Intrepid writers have long earched for perfect comparisons for football teams. We've seen Simpsons characters, Arrested Development characters, cars, potato chips, and the granddaddy of them all, rappers. Here, we add another chapter to the canon of contextualization: standup comedians.


Frank Caliendo: UCLA

Your absolute, ultimate, professional pretender. Sure, they're popular, but that's because they're right there in Hollywood. Setting foot on national TV for the sole purpose of getting laughed right back off of it. An uncanny ability to make people sick of them before enjoying them.

Key comparison: HIS COACHNESS SIR RICK NEUHEISEL <3 and Caliendo's impression of John Madden. Lucky they're next to someone who knows what the hell he's talking about--"Thanks, John."

George Carlin: Penn State

Transcendent in the 80s, still outstanding in the 90s, but now the wheels are off the track, and the words most bandied about are "senile," "bitter," and "angry."

Key comparison: George Carlin's voice and Joe Paterno's voice. Somewhere between gravelly and demonic at this point.

[NOTE: Carlin passed away after this portion was written, but there's absolutely zero chance that he would want people dodging jokes about him in the wake of his death.]

Dane Cook: Texas

Undeniably popular, and probably earning it. Probably. Sure, there's an odor of douche to it all (Colt McCoy, get a real name, please), but that comes with popularity these days, right? Right? Whatever, you're just jealous.

Key comparison: Superfinger and Hook'Em salute. Put them together, and it's Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

Jeff Foxworthy: West Virginia

Give them 15 minutes, and they'll paint an even more horrifying picture of rednecks than usual. Bizarrely successful.

Key comparison: "If you celebrate a win by taking your living room outside and setting it on fire..."

Jim Gaffigan: BYU

Whiter than white. That goes for the fanbase, too. Still, lovably competent without any delusions of grandeur.

Key comparison: "He looks like a Mormon. What's wrong with looking like a Mormon??"

Mitch Hedberg: California

Look, when your school features hippies named "Dumpster Muffin" trying to save the trees and urinating on people, you automatically get the highest man that ever walked the earth. Aside from Snoop Dogg.

Key comparison: "When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns" and Marshawn Lynch commandeering the injury cart.

Sam Kinison: Texas A&M

"Different" doesn't begin to describe the level of aberrant behavior on display on a routine basis. And what's with all the yelling? Must they seriously lead in the field of yelling? Oh, the answer is "yes"? Okay then.

Key comparison: That car crash and the Dennis Franchione Era. And that's being kind to Franchione.

Larry the Cable Guy: Arkansas

While they're playing off a reputation for being country as hell, they're actually running an incredibly profitable operation, and that's no accident, despite being only tangentially connected with the concept of quality.

Key comparison: "Soooooeeeeee!" and "Get 'er done." You're getting played, fans. Hard. Don't be giving them money just because they repeat some backward-ass, nonsensical phrase every five minutes.
BONUS! key comparison: Witless Protection and Houston Nutt.

Carlos Mencia: Ohio State

We don't care what their bank account says, anyone with half a brain cell knows they're fake as hell. Every second they spend in a state of popularity and success, another decent American stops believing in a just and loving God. A fan base with a uniformly room-temperature IQ. Someone please, please shut them up.

Key comparison: "Der Dee Der" and "O-H-I-O." I learned how to spell "Ohio" when I was three, and was no longer proud of knowing how when I was four. Just sayin'.

Eddie Murphy: Notre Dame

Despite what their name tells you, they're not exactly 100% Irish. Was on top of the world for an extended period of time, but what exactly have they accomplished in the last, oh, 15 years? They put all their eggs in the "insane obesity" basket, and uh, that may not have been the wisest long-term solution.

Key comparison: Charlie Weis and Nutty Professor/Norbit. Brilliant, guys, just brilliant.


Patton Oswalt: Northwestern

Brilliant? Totally. Ass-ugly? Equally so. Unqualified success and superstardom? Ehhh, not quite. If you're looking for discussion of Star Trek, Dungeons & Dragons, or Magic: The Gathering, this is your jam, man. Just don't expect to impress the ladies when you show up to a party in a t-shirt with their name on it.

Same goes. And let's just go ahead and complete the "Comedians of College Football":

Zach Galifianakis: Stanford

I gave Stanford to Zach for the sweater. That's all.

Key comparison: Look at those guys. Like I'm comparing LSU to any of them. C'mon. Anyway, we have an alphabetical order* to uphold.

Michael Richards: Ole Miss

Look, we all know what that flag's all about, and it ain't tradition or states' rights.

Key comparison: Stanley Spadowski and Archie Manning. Transcendent talent on an otherwise laughable outfit.

Chris Rock: Miami

Unhinged enough to scare just about all the white fans. Not scare them away, mind you, but just keeping them abreast of the fact that there's a strange, scary world out there, and they're best admiring from a safe, large distance.

Key comparison: No Sex in the Champagne Room and The Seventh Floor Crew. Two vastly divergent, if equally candid, views on sexuality and the world as a whole.
BONUS! key comparison: Ray Lewis is totally the Tossed Salad Man.

Sinbad: Oregon

A federal sartorial disaster area. Yeah, keep telling us it's stylish for the era. That won't make you any less of a punchline once ten (err, five) years pass. Just stop embarrassing yourself.

Key comparison: White people run the spread option like this (Leaf, Brady), black people run it like this (Dixon, Dennis).

Carrot Top: Syracuse

Did you know that they were technically successful for a while? Now completely unwatchable. Orange in places where there ought not be orange (WARNING: SFW, BUT NOT ADVISABLE FOR WORK, LUNCH, SANITY). Would best serve humanity by being blasted into space.

Key comparison: Prop comedy and Greg Robinson's offense.

Judy Tenuta: Iowa State

Deriving any pleasure from what they do requires a heavy amount of at least one of the following: cynicism, schadenfreude, mental instability.

Key comparison: Let's just move on.

Ron White: Florida

More urbane than most of the rednecks with whom they're in league, which makes them more likable. Wearing a doo-doo-eatin' sneer awhile they rip off hit after hit. And of course, this is just for the long and beautiful history they've got with the mustache. Rock on. Oh, and for that matter...

Ron White: Illinois

Yessir.

Key comparisons: Shhh. Don't try to put words to it. Let the magic happen.

That's all we've got for right now, and if you've got some ideas, compliments, or complaints, the comment box is right down there. Just rest assured that I am always very right and if you disagree with anything in this article, you are very wrong. Oh, and Arkansas, you're totally getting ripped off, don't even bother voicing disagreement. Sorry.

*I can't decide if "the Alphabetical Order" is more likely to be a villian in the Harry Potter or Da Vinci Code series. Maybe both.

If College Football Teams Were Comedians originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 23 Jun 2008 10:40:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"I would like to see coaches not have a vote," Texas coach Mack Brown said. "We would have a panel like the one that chooses the 65 teams in basketball."

• Amen.
• Holy crap, I do not want to be a guy on that panel.

Mack Brown Wants the Coaches Poll Out of the BCS originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 21 May 2008 20:35:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Beebe, however, said he thinks football should be seen as unique because it has a high rate of redshirts and injuries.

"Injuries happen and coaches have players who could contribute, but they don't want to play someone on a limited basis and burn a redshirt year," Beebe said. "And you have kids during their redshirt year who are getting the heck beat out of them in practice every day with no hope of playing."

Big 12 Commissioner Dan Beebe Pushing for Fifth Year of Eligibility originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 21 May 2008 11:35:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"Last month, The Daily Texan reported on its blog that the Austin Police Department suspended an assault with injury investigation in which Longhorns backup quarterback John Chiles was a suspect. When the Texan originally reported that APD confirmed Chiles as a suspect, assistant athletics director John Bianco wrote several threatening e-mails to Daily Texan sports editor and journalism senior Ricky Treon, calling him unprofessional and his reporting "untruthful." Bianco warned that other news agencies (and potential employers) "realize how you do business now," which "will hurt you in the long run." He also said that if the Texan's editors didn't pull the post off the blog, "John Chiles would understandably have an issue with the entire paper" which would be "unfortunate for the Texan's long-term working relationship with him."

"The bottom line is that press scrutiny is simply not accepted by sports officials or the public fan base. At UT, reporters are not allowed to call athletes, and both athletes and reporters face being reprimanded for unauthorized interviews, no matter what the story is about. More importantly, university officials are under pressure to protect the image of their sports programs, which are at the forefront of bringing in money, identity and recognition to the school."

Texas Student Newspaper Battles Athletic Department Over Coverage of Football Team originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 08 May 2008 17:26:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"I chose the best school at what was the end of a very successful, but difficult high school career," Kinne said. "I have definitely become a better quarterback with the help of one of the most knowledgeable offensive coaches in college football, Greg Davis. However, the quarterback position is unique in terms of playing time, and I have to find a program that best fits my skills.

"Quarterbacks transfer in college football. That's life for this position.I've made great memories, great friends and have been blessed with experiences most can only watch. So the answer is, 'No, I have no regrets.'

"I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me. I wish nothing but great things for The University of Texas. I appreciate all that Coach Brown and The University have done for me."

Texas Backup QB to Transfer originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 07 Apr 2008 06:38:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Sophomore Vondrell McGee will get first shot at the starting job after serving as Charles' understudy a year ago. When Charles was having consistency problems at midseason in 2007, McGee actually got more playing time, specifically on short-yardage and goal-line plays. He gained 297 yards overall and scored eight touchdowns.

Redshirt freshman Fozzy Whittaker and McGee share the same, low-to-the-ground build. Both resemble miniature linebackers.

Whereas McGee prefers the I-formation, Whittaker is more comfortable running out of the shotgun. That's how he made his yardage at Pearland High School, where he finished with the sixth-best rushing total in Class 5A history.

The third member of the committee is Chris Ogbonnaya, a well-known offensive commodity. The Longhorns often turned to Ogbonnaya on third-down situations last fall because he was as adept at running pass routes as he was at picking up the blitz. He caught 21 passes a year ago. To prepare for this season, the fifth-year senior dropped 12 pounds to improve his speed. He's now at 215.

"Everything. Everything,'' Littrell said. "He has 18 (spring-semester) hours, making As and Bs. He hasn't missed class one time. He's been up here. He's been respectful. He's done everything we've asked of him so far. He's just got to continue to work and do it.

"Shannon's a good kid. I mean, he really is. There's a lot of speculation with what goes wrong and our relationship. Some of it's speculation. With me, it's all going to stay in-house.

"But he's done a good job. He's doing everything we've asked him to do.''

"I don't know much. I know a little bit, still trying to learn and get things done," said Glenn, who got minimal reps. "It's hard to really do anything when you're thinking as much as I'm trying to think, getting everything down."

"It all comes down to me just trying to help the team out, wanting to win. I can't say we've won a lot of games since I've been here. So really, this is my senior year. Basically I just want to win. Whatever it takes, that's what I want to do."

"He's a guy not everybody has really had a chance to see a lot of. I made this comment to a lot of people: Mossis Madu can play for a lot of people," running backs coach Cale Gundy said. "I'm fortunate to be a coach at a position that has a lot of depth. It's good for him to get a chance to go through the spring with the No. 1 offense and show people what he can do."

Spring at a Glance: Big 12 Running Backs originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 04 Apr 2008 09:28:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"We've had the most physical practices we've ever had," [head coache Mack] Brown said. "We were more physical last spring, but this spring we've just continued. Obviously, Will's come in with some new defensive thoughts and we're working on those."

"Every day, we're hitting, no matter where we are," cornerback Deon Beasley said. "Inside the bubble, outside, we're hitting. I think it's good for us to get some contact and for us to show that we're not only a fast team, but we're a physical one as well."

Pelini labeled last year's defensive performance "irrelevant" and said he hasn't watched any of the tape from last year. He'll spend some time trying figure out what talent he has, and "tweaking" the scheme to the players. It will also be more physical.

"We're not gonna be out there playing tag, I promise you that," Pelini said.

"I thought the tempo was good," Pelini said. "It was physical. We made a lot of strides the first three days, especially defensively. They've got a lot to learn. But the tempo's good, the effort's good."

"It's getting real physical," [quarterback Austen] Arnaud said. "Not for me so much, just because I'm a quarterback. But I can see those other guys getting after it and working hard. Those pads are definitely popping out there."

[head coach Gene] Chizik said the team is stronger overall because of offseason work in the weight room and he hopes that translates into a more dominating presence on the field.

"Right now I'm really pleased," he said. "They're doing everything we ask them to do. They are very much trying to be a physical football team."

"There was some good physical hitting and we were around the football," defensive coordinator Brent Venables said.

Big 12 Teams Get Physical This Spring originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 01 Apr 2008 09:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"It's a big competition," said linebacker Rashad Bobino, Muschamp's initial honoree this spring. "Whoever has the hardest hit gets that hat and ends up moving into a starting role."

"You want your players to take the personality of their coach. That's the way I've always looked at it. I want our players to play excited and have fun playing with intensity ... with controlled aggression."

"He'll get in your face, but he loves you to death. He's a very emotional coach. He brings that excitement and enthusiasm to the table that we need."

Muschamp Already Bringing Fire to Texas Defense originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:45:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"For me, it's just learning every day," said Arnaud, who is competing with Phillip Bates for the starting job. "You can make your share of plays, but if you're turning the ball over, it doesn't really matter."

"It's weird," Ganz said. "It's going to be different."

"Now that I've gotten to where I want to, I'm just going to have to work that much harder to not let anybody take it from me," Ganz said. "I've worked too hard to let somebody come up and take the job from me, so I really don't need any more motivation than that."

"It's huge for those two guys," co-offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach Gunter Brewer said about Friday's scrimmage and the three others that will take place this spring. "They have not had any live action. They found that out today. That's why live snaps are so much better than practice snaps. It's as close as you're going to get to a game against a defense that's throwing a lot of stuff at you."

"I was disappointed, I'm not going to lie. But the team did really good and Sam played well. As an overall I was happy. From a selfish, personal standpoint, I was a little disappointed I wasn't playing. But at the same time the team is playing good and we're rolling, and I was happy about that. I had mixed emotions."

"There's been rumors for 100 years about players transferring, and it's always the third or fourth quarterback," Brown said. "That's 100 percent in my 33 years coaching.

"Neither one of them has said anything about it or discussed it. In fact, both took all the snaps in today's scrimmage and did really well.

"If anybody ever wants to transfer and has not come forward to us, we'd be the first to help them and get them a release anywhere they want to go. We've never asked a player to stay. We'll always give them a release to play against us, anywhere they want. We want happy players.

"I don't read the Internet, so you all will have to bring me the rumors so I can go ask them."

Spring at a Glance: Big 12 Quarterbacks originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 28 Mar 2008 08:04:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Texas-Texas A&M football rivalry will move back to its traditional Thanksgiving slot for the next two years.

The longtime Thanksgiving event was moved to the day after in 1996. The switch back accommodates a Thanksgiving night ESPN broadcast, Texas athletic director DeLoss Dodds said Monday.

Texas and Texas A&M have played on Thanksgiving 60 times in a rivalry that dates to 1894.

Nice. After a string of six consecutive victories, Texas has dropped the last two to the rival Aggies (12-7 and 38-30). This year's meeting will be played in Austin.

Tradition Restored: Texas - Texas A&M Returns to Thanksgiving Day originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:49:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Smart politics 101: ingratiate yourself with the fans of popular sports teams

Given the senator's eagerness to flash the hook 'em sign, his campaign just might find itself doing a little damage control among the Aggie vote. (Oh, who are we kidding. The Aggies are all Republicans, aren't they governor?)

Barack Obama Hangin' With Texas Football originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 21 Feb 2008 21:28:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"Colorado came in on Friday and said and did something and offered something that Darrell and his mom couldn't pass up."

Roger Sonsini, also an assistant coach at Ventura (Calif.) St. Bonaventure High School, said he was terminated Friday but refused further comment.

Guy Who Snitched on Darrell Scott Fired originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 19 Feb 2008 10:59:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Country's Five Most Disappointing Recruiting Classes originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 06 Feb 2008 19:47:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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BSN spoke with sources very close to the Darrell Scott situation on Tuesday. We learned that Darrell Scott, the tailback from St. Bonaventure High in southern California, will sign with Colorado today.

Colorado Picks Up Nation's Top Running Back originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 06 Feb 2008 13:06:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"Oh, wow. A little (upsetting)," said defensive tackle Damion Square of Houston. "I would've loved to have Applewhite. If he wants to win championships, and I know Applewhite does, then he'll stay. You don't win no championships at UT, man. You win championships at UA. But he's got to do what he's got to do."

I didn't let out a Backstreet Boys scream over the news, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited when I saw the reports that there are legs to a Major Applewhite hire... this year.

Applewhite to Texas? originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 15 Jan 2008 13:32:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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"The NFL is every football players dream and when my NFL grade came back, it was encouraging and I felt like it was in my best interest to enter the draft," Finley said in a statement. "I've worked really hard for three years at Texas to prepare for this and I think I'm ready for the challenge. Coach Chambers and all of the coaches have helped me improve and taught me so much that I can't thank them enough.

Jermichael Finley Says So Long, Thanks For All the Fish originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 08 Jan 2008 23:14:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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playing in the NFL has always been my dream and when the NFL report came back, I was happy with the grade and felt like it was best for me to enter the draft

Jamaal Charles Enters NFL Draft originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 02 Jan 2008 20:01:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Texas Staffer Getting the Bartman Treatment originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 27 Dec 2007 21:33:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Keeping 'The Man' Busy: A Retrospective of College Football Arrests in 2007 originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 30 Nov 2007 14:14:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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