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There is no more beloved Georgia Bulldog football player than Herschel Walker and no more beloved Florida football player than Tim Tebow.

Disagree if you like, but I feel pretty confident in both statements. Sadly, these gridiron warriors are separated by a generation and never will get the chance to play one another in the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. By the time Tebow arrived at Florida, Walker was only in the news alongside Tebow for acknowledging his multiple personality disorder.

Until now. Saturday, Tebow, who trails the Georgia running back by one rushing touchdown for his career, is likely to break Walker's all-time rushing touchdown total in the SEC.

Or is he?

It seems there's a bit of an accounting error in the record books. See, the SEC didn't start counting bowl game touchdowns in the end of season totals until recently. So Herschel Walker actually scored five more touchdowns for the Bulldogs that don't appear in his official stats. That means Walker's 49 career rushing touchdowns should actually be 54 career rushing touchdowns. Now, right now, you might be thinking to yourself, that doesn't really matter very much. But if you know Georgia and Florida fans, you know the exact opposite is true, it matters an awful lot, particularly for Georgia fans who continue to worship at the altar of St. Herschel even as we approach 30 years since he last scorched across the Sanford Stadium grass.

Tebow's ascension to the top of the career rushing record in the SEC begs the question, how hard would it really be to put five interns in charge of reviewing the stats from every bowl game, add the touchdowns up with proper attribution, and then include them in the season totals? I mean, when you consider the amount of money that SEC schools waste on, say, travel, how can not having accurate records from bowl games really be an issue?

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Especially when it comes to a basic stat like touchdowns?

I'm not saying they need to be able to recreate sacks or punt yardage from ancient bowl games, but touchdowns? Come on, let's get on this. It wouldn't even cost a dime. But if the SEC wanted it to cost a dime so they could be a bit more certain about past histories, they could bring in an accounting firm, provide them with all the bowl records featuring every team, and let them crunch the data for a single weekend. By the end of that weekend all the stats would be accurate forever.

In fact, this idea makes so much sense, how has it not happened? I might turn this into a personal crusade until someone in the SEC offices explains why this is impossible. From doing research on my last book, I know the sports information departments keep all of the old clips from games that they can. Certainly, they keep all the old records from bowl games.

I'll keep y'all updated on this quest.

In the meantime, you can imagine why Georgia fans are so incensed at the idea of Tebow breaking Walker's record. It's one of the few things they have to hold onto in this series. In fact, in the 27 years since Herschel Walker last played for the Bulldogs, Georgia has won just eight Cocktail Parties. It's even worse since 1990. In the last 19 seasons, Georgia is 3-16 against the Gators.

Is there a more lopsided bitter rivalry game in the country?

As if that weren't enough, Georgia is coming off its worst loss in the series since 1996. And, of course, there's that tiny little fact about Urban Meyer taking two timeouts inside the final minute so Georgia fans could stew over their 49-10 defeat. Now, on top of all that, Tim Tebow is going to take Herschel's record? Right in front of Bulldog fans? Taking the record against Georgia is so diabolical, it almost seems planned.

Yep, these are the times that try a Bulldog fan's soul. And not just because Willie Martinez is still prowling the sideline, and he and Mark Richt spent the bye week convincing all recruits that Martinez wasn't going anywhere. With a bye week to prepare, a team that is over a two-touchdown underdog, facing a number one team on the other sideline that hasn't lost in 17 consecutive games, Georgia fans are doing their best to string together a plausible argument about why this year will be different than all the others that have come before.

And I'll give you this prediction: It's going to be a single-digit game.

Come Saturday, I'll be there to find out exactly how much both teams care when I attend the Cocktail Party. And by "attend the Cocktail Party," I mean don't actually enter the stadium. My goal this weekend is to capture the Cocktail Party atmosphere without managing to see a single live snap. So from Friday when I touch down in Jacksonville until Sunday when I take off, I want to see it all. This makes even more sense when you consider the obvious -- it's Halloween.

The always insane Cocktail Party will likely be ratcheted up to an entirely new level of insanity. And the costumes, my God, the costumes, will blow your mind away. That's why I'm soliciting costume suggestions. Although, to be fair, I'm really not sure how many people will be wearing costumes to the game. And is there anything worse than being the only tool in a costume when everyone else is dressed normally? The only ground rules for costume suggestions are that it can't be so hot to make me pass out (alcohol causing me to pass out is, of course, a natural hazard of the game) and I'm not dressing up as a girl.

Not again this year, anyway.



It's also going to be, wait for it, 89 degrees. The atmosphere around the stadium -- the only game that fills the Jacksonville Jaguar stadium up all year -- is going to be so laden with alcohol fumes that if someone struck a large match the entire place would explode.

On Cocktail Party weekend Jacksonville is like Sodom and Gomorrah and Tebow's the only person who wouldn't turn to salt. And I can't wait for the experience. I want to hear from y'all about what I have to do, see, and experience. So shoot me a line at clay.travis@gmail.com. Then check back on Sunday for the story of the game. Or, more accurately, the story of what went on around the game.

Tebow's Touchdown Mark, Trick or Treat? originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:05:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisFri, 30 Oct 2009 08:05:00 EST Starting 11: When a Wedding Causes a Football Separationhttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/10/20/starting-11-when-a-wedding-causes-a-football-separation/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/10/20/starting-11-when-a-wedding-causes-a-football-separation/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/10/20/starting-11-when-a-wedding-causes-a-football-separation/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

On Saturday, I didn't see a single snap of a single college football game. Not one. This has never happened before in my life. Instead I was an usher at my friend's wedding in Atlanta. This means that this week's ClayNation Starting 11 is going to be a primer on my day in a fall wedding.

The wedding featured a bride who had graduated from Auburn and a groom who had graduated from Kentucky. Are the alarm bells going off yet? The two teams played Saturday night. Seven of the 11 groomsmen and ushers graduated from Kentucky, all of the bridesmaids went to Auburn. The result was a near riot. But that comes in the future. First, the beginning.

9:30AM CT

Departure from Nashville. It's freezing. Seriously, freezing. It has to be the coldest Oct. 17 in the history of Tennessee. Another couple arrives to ride down to the wedding with us, my friend Kelly, and his girlfriend Erin. Kelly is also a groomsman. As we load up for the trip, my wife asks me to clear out the rear of the car so we can put the third seat down and someone can sleep on the way back.

I forget.

As we walk to the car, I realize this fact, and tell the other couple to say they asked me not to put down the third seat or clear out the trunk. We arrive at the car.

My wife immediately notices: "Clay! I told you to put down the third seat."

"They said we didn't need to do it." I nudge the other couple.

They both nod.

My wife narrows her gaze, fiery in my direction. "Did he tell you to say that?" she asks.

Kelly changes the conversation, "How come our tuxes cost $150?" he asks.

Interlude:

Has anyone ever had to pay $150 for a tux before? Here's a comparison. In 1999, oral sex cost $50 in Amsterdam. So a decade ago, you could leave the red light district with a smile on your face for $150. Now I can rent one tux to be an usher at a wedding?

Takeaway: The tuxedo rental business is insane. How are the margins this high for a 24-hour rental? Why isn't there an online tux rental place that FedExes you the tux, does away with the physical store location, and charges like $50?

Basically, why doesn't Amazon rent tuxes?

And if they do have physical stores, why are they such pussbuckets at these places? Do they really need your overarm measurement? Who am I, Tony Siragusa? How many people have ridiculous overarm measurements that change what size jacket they should be wearing?

And why are their hours so bad? The place in Nashville is only open from 10-5 every day.

10-5!

The bank is more convenient. I don't really have any reason to complain about this since I work from home, but my friend Kelly has to take off work to get measured for his tux.
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Meanwhile, I tried to submit my measurements online. I'm a normal-sized guy. Give me a 34 waist, a 42 regular jacket, and I'm ready to go. Yet the measurements won't submit until I give an overarm measurement?

I entered seven feet. Or seven inches. I'm not really sure how that form worked.

10:15

I'm pulled over for speeding, going 90 in a 70. Bad news, it's a Tennessee state trooper. Worse news, my tags and registration are expired. Also, I don't have my insurance card in the car. Basically, all I have is my driver's license.

My wife fumes in the back seat. "I hope they don't arrest you," she says.

"If you did get arrested," Kelly says, "that would be pretty funny."

I attempt to make friends with the state trooper, a man with a shaved head, one working eye, and a slight stutter. My tax dollars at work.

"We're on our way ..."

He cuts me off. "Sign this, please."

In my entire life, I've only gotten away with speeding once after being pulled over. Why then? Because I had a Virgin Islands license plate on the car and the cop had no idea how to write me a ticket. I considered keeping the Virgin Islands plate for the next decade. The only time I ever wish I was a woman is every time I get pulled over for speeding.

Also, if a war happens.

Anyway, and I'm not making this up, the speeding ticket and other two violations add up to $784.48.

How is this not cruel and unusual punishment? People pay lower fines for murder.

Truly.

10:30

My wife has spent the past 15 minutes ridiculing my driving. She has been in two car accidents in the past year. But if I mention them, she gets very angry.

In one of them she totaled a car, in another "accident" she lightly bumped a car in front of her at a stop sign. There was not a scratch on their bumper, yet the entire family went to the hospital on a stretcher.

11:00

We stop for lunch. The best part of my day? The Mushroom Swiss Angus burger at McDonald's, number 14 on the value meal. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's the greatest sandwich in the history of fast food. It's like sex meets McDonald's ... aka Louisville basketball.

11:45

We plug in the GPS to check our time situation. After 10 minutes my wife says, "Uh oh." We're scheduled to arrive at 2:55.

The bus taking us to pictures departs the hotel at 3:00.

Now, we have to arrive, get changed into our tuxes, and depart in five minutes.

1:05 PM

Twenty minutes later, the time changes. We're now on the East Coast.

I hate the timezone change.

Firmly.

For my entire life as an adult, I'm only ever driving from the central time zone to the eastern time zone. I'm always losing an hour. And don't give me that crap about gaining it when you come back. I never need to rush back to something in the central time zone.

Nashville is fairly close to the time line. It gets dark early in winter, the sun goes down earlier in summer, basically the only thing worth gaining in the central time zone is an hour earlier late-night television. And now that I have a kid I'm too tired to stay up for that anyway. Plus, thanks to dawn arriving in Nashville at 4:55 every morning, he gets up as soon as the sun rises.

So, as you can see, even time is lined up against me.

1:15 PM

My iPhone is losing battery life, which means I may not have any ability to keep tabs on the scores. Two issues with the iPhone. A.) The battery life is shorter than a Wizard of Oz munchkin and B.) You can't read anything when you use the Internet browser. How do you zoom on Web pages if you don't have the app downloaded?

Yeah, it's great that there are 85,000 apps, but if you could just read a Web page by using the Internet browser you would need like 18 apps.

For instance, the only app I have that is designed to do anything other than read a Web page is paper football.

How is this not noted as a flaw?

1:15-2:50 now ET

My wife says, "Stop driving so fast." Repeatedly.

2:51

We exit near the hotel. The road to our hotel is only there because the Perimeter Mall is also there. The entire road, and this is the complete truth, is just a loop around the mall.

This is my issue with Atlanta, the entire city's road system seems to exist so you can reach a shopping center that didn't exist before.

We stop at eight consecutive lights, all bordering the mall. With this rate of speed, now I know what the immigrants felt like crossing the Atlantic.

2:57

Arrival at the hotel. I leave the car running and go digging through my bag for black socks. Unfortunately, I mistakenly brought blue socks.

With tiny penguins etched on them.

2:58

Kelly beats me to the hotel desk and gets his key first. Our tuxes are waiting in our rooms.

3:01

The desk clerk takes her time checking me in. I learn that the hotel has a free breakfast, something about Wi-Fi, and am tempted to strangle the clerk with my penguin socks.

Here's the only thing I've ever wanted other than a hotel room: a toothbrush in my hotel room. If you don't have toothbrushes, I couldn't care less about the other accoutrements.

In fact, a promise, the next hotel chain that starts providing disposable toothbrushes and toothpaste, I will stay in for the rest of my life.

3:06

I'm dressed in my tuxedo and nonchalantly waiting in the lobby as if I've been here all morning. Several other groomsmen arrive to inform me that Oklahoma and Texas, while poorly played, is currently tied at 13.

3:10

We all climb into the shuttle en route to the church. Beers are opened.

The groom says there is a television in the church but it doesn't work. "It's only for videos."

Videos of what?

3:15

The groom says there will be no televisions at the reception because the bride believes they would be a "distraction."

The Kentucky grads all groan.

Question: If millions of people choose to do something, i.e. attend or watch a football game, and 125 do something else, say, attend a wedding, doesn't that make the wedding the distraction?

3:31

Drinking inside the church is forbidden. So everyone stands on the curb outside and drinks. Kerry wins the BlackBerry, iPhone shuffle and becomes the first to report that Texas has beaten Oklahoma.

3:55

Florida and Arkansas are scoreless midway through the first quarter. We're seated in a large room with two televisions. A groomsman begins to work on obtaining a signal from the television.

"Who has a flat screen," he asks, "only to watch videos?"

4:05

We confirm the church has a flat screen only to watch videos. Arkansas leads 7-0 on Florida.

4:15

Picture time!

We take eight photographs. In one of them the groom is walking 10 feet ahead of us and we're supposed to chase him. It's only the second most homoerotic shot.

In the most homoerotic shot, the groom stands in front and everyone gets in a straight line behind him and raises their arms in different directions. "I promise it looks really cool," the photographer says.

Kelly shakes his head, "I don't know about you," he says, "but I'm opting out of the teabag shot."

4:25

Most of the groomsmen relocate to the parked bus and, in a silent effort to reclaim their manliness, begin drinking beers heavily.

There is also a flat-screen television on the bus.

But, you guessed it ... no satellite signal.

It's for videos or DVDs as well.

4:59

Outside the groom's room hangs a picture of Jesus that appears to focus on His nipple. I stand looking at the painting for a few seconds.

Another man passes, "You don't really think about Jesus' nipples that much until you see a picture like that," he says.

5:30

Florida leads Arkansas 13-10. Southern Cal is up two scores on Notre Dame. Virginia Tech is down to Georgia Tech.

My iPhone battery hangs perilously on the living side of electronic life, bars vanishing at a rapid rate.

5:35

" 'Can you keep up with the game during the service? ... Here's what you do, if Arkansas scores, give me a thumbs up, if Florida scores, flick me off.' Welcome to a Southern wedding."
We line up to begin ushering guests into the church. Things begin ominously, I take a woman's arm and her mentally handicapped daughter throws a screaming fit.

She pats me on the arm. "It's okay," she says.

As I walk down the aisle, I'm expecting to be tackled from behind. My mind is racing. What's protocol? I have to take the beating without resisting, right?

If I bleed do I owe more money for the tuxedo rental?

5:51

A grown man who shall remain nameless, but who does not have a BlackBerry or an iPhone pulls me aside when he sees me checking scores. "I hate Florida" he says.

I nod.

"Can you keep up with the game during the service?"

I nod again.

"Here's what you do, if Arkansas scores, give me a thumbs up, if Florida scores, flick me off."

Welcome to a Southern wedding ladies and gentlemen.

5:55

We take our seats in the pews. I silence my phone and set it on auto-refresh.

6:02

The bride is lovely.

6:04

Hot damn, Arkansas kicks a field goal to tie the score at 13. The priest has just told a five-minute story that involves a three-word punchline, "Aisle, change, hymn."

"I'll change him," get it!

Are you rolling yet? Priest humor is gold.

Seriously though, how are these homilies so bad at weddings? Think about this, if you did a 20-minute wedding forty times a year, couldn't you have a killer homily? I mean a story that either made people stand up and rend their garments from the emotional power or one that made people roll into the pew floor laughing?

Maybe even both?

I mean, you have enough practice to know what works, right?

Yet why are they all so bad?

6:25

My phone vibrates with a text message. It says only one word, "Petrino."

Moments later the score updates on my phone, Arkansas has scored on a 75-yard touchdown pass on third-and-17. It's 20-13 Hogs.

The wedding ends, the gentleman passes me in the aisle. I give him a thumbs up. He raises his eyebrows and smiles appreciatively.

6:45

Time for the after-wedding photos. The groomsmen and ushers gather in three rows of pews. All of us are madly hitting refresh on the Arkansas-Florida game.

Everyone is rooting for Arkansas.

Play by play spools out from different locations as people get updates at different rates of gametracker speed depending on a variety of factors. Everyone tries to be the first to update the latest play, it's like competitive sports reporting; we're all John Clayton.

My iPhone is running updates slower than everyone else so I take a chance on Twitter.

Paydirt.

I break the news that Arkansas misses a 38-yard field goal before anyone else. I feel like Cronkite delivering the news that Kennedy had died. "He missed it," I slowly intone.

"No!" scream eight voices in unison.

Predictably, after the miss, Florida goes down and scores. As each play is announced to the group, our faces become more dejected.

Our actual conversation after he made the field goal is unprintable on an upstanding-ish site like this, but it involved Jesus, Urban Meyer and a sex act that, impressively enough, has its own Wikipedia page.

7:45

The photos are finished. The groomsmen and ushers have been used for 15 minutes of photographs. We've been here for four hours.

In terms of efficiency, I feel like I'm in the law firm again.

Only then I would have billed for 8.6 hours.

We enter the bus and begin to drink heavily. The Kentucky fans all pull out their phones as kickoff nears. But, wait, the bridal party advances onto the bus singing:

War Eagle, fly down the field
Ever to conquer, never to yield
War Eagle, fearless and true,
Fight on you orange and blue
Go! Go! Go!
On to vict'ry, strike up the band
Hit 'em high, hit 'em low,
Stand up and yell, Hey!
War Eagle, win for Auburn,
Power of Dixie Land!

"I did not f'ing sign up for this," says a UK grad sitting across from me.

"I'm going to throw up," says another. "I hope we beat them by 50."

"I hope Gene Chizik dies," says yet another.

8:03

We arrive at the reception.

Kentucky is lining up for a field goal as we prepare to enter the event. Kentucky fans are madly hitting refresh.

At this point, I get distracted focusing on the Bourbon drinks. But no one says anything for a long time. Finally, I ask my friend Tardio what happened.

"Auburn blocked the kick and returned it for a touchdown," he says.

Kentucky football in a sentence.

8:15

We begin to drink inside the reception.

Heavily.

At some point, I learn that it's 14-7 Auburn at the half. "Should be 10-7 Kentucky," says Tardio.

9:20

I can't find four of the groomsmen.

Then my phone buzzes, "At Mellow Mushroom watching game. Come over."

They've walked across the parking lot to a restaurant. I contemplate leaving, but then get distracted by more drinks and Young MC's 1989 opus Bust a Move coming on.



Kelly's girlfriend, Erin, is six years younger than us. She stands watching us as we dance. "You don't know Bust a Move?" I ask.

"No," she says. "I was 4 in 1989."

1989 was Ken Griffey's rookie year, the magical No. 1 card in the Upper Deck set. There are people who can drink and don't remember this?

Time grows fuzzy.

At the finale of the song, Kelly suggests I attempt the splits.

So I do.

After this I forget about my intent to leave and watch the game.

10:15

The groom takes the mic. "I love you honey, but time for a score update. The Cats have a first-and-goal with under five minutes to play and the score tied 14-14."

Half the crowd erupts. The other half hisses.

Moments later comes the cheering. Kentucky has taken the lead 21-14. There is less than two minutes remaining from the Cats' first victory over Auburn since 1966.

10:45

Several groomsmen return from across the street and begin running around the reception hall doling out high fives like they have just won the Super Bowl. I know, it's happened, Kentucky has won at Auburn.

"Our best road win in decades," exults one Cat fan.

The groom takes the mic and leads the crowd in a cheer. "C-A-T-S, CATS, CATS, CATS," he screams.

Then he gives his bride a kiss.

My wife takes my arm amid the bedlam, "I'm so proud of you for not leaving to watch the games," she says.

I give her a kiss. "Weddings are so much more important than football," I say.

Starting 11: When a Wedding Causes a Football Separation originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 20 Oct 2009 05:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisTue, 20 Oct 2009 05:00:00 EST Finding Football Experts on Sorority Rowhttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/16/finding-football-experts-on-sorority-row/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/16/finding-football-experts-on-sorority-row/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/16/finding-football-experts-on-sorority-row/#commentsFiled under: , ,

Clay Travis Sorority RoundtableAt some point in time, we've all thought, why aren't sorority girls given the opportunity to talk about their college football team's big game. But when have you ever seen them given the opportunity? I'm not one to scream racism from the rooftops, but I know racism when I see it. And this ladies and gents, is racism plain and simple. So I decided to eracism and sit down with sorority girls from the University of Tennessee last Friday.

I conducted an interview with five sorority girls in the majestic setting of a fraternity house trophy room on Tennessee's campus. The girls and I talked about life, love, Layla Kiffin, and the UCLA Bruins. I also asked all of them to make out with me. Since it was such an important event I even wore a suit for the first time since I last appeared in court. (Ed: As a lawyer. We think.) The result is the FanHouse Sorority Roundtable. Enjoy.

Finding Football Experts on Sorority Row originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 16 Sep 2009 11:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisWed, 16 Sep 2009 11:30:00 EST The Kiffin Smirk, Olive Garden, and the ClayNation Starting 11http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/07/the-kiffin-smirk-olive-garden-and-the-claynation-starting-11/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/07/the-kiffin-smirk-olive-garden-and-the-claynation-starting-11/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/07/the-kiffin-smirk-olive-garden-and-the-claynation-starting-11/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

Lane KiffinHere's the top lesson from Saturday: If you're a major program, never schedule a game you can lose as your season opener. Period. This should be a rule. Why? Because we fans sit around for nine months waiting for the college football season to return, and then, in one sixty minute game, the entire season is ruined. It's just not worth it. You roll out of bed the next morning and effectively the wildest dreams of the offseason, that your team could run the table and contend for a national championship, is over.

Ask Georgia fans what they feel like this morning. Ask Tennessee fans what the last two years prior to this season felt like losing the first game of the season in California. Losing the opening game counts as two losses, it makes you feel like complete crap. And don't even get me started with how good you feel if you win an opening game. You're a liar. You don't feel good, you just feel relieved. Nothing has changed about your season if you win a big opening game. You just get to dream for one week more. On to the ClayNation Starting 11.

1. I was at UT- Western Kentucky this weekend. Lane Kiffin does not smile.

Shortly before kickoff, Lane Kiffin strolled down the shortened Vol walk, smirk in tow. Kiffin has two facial expressions: disdain, as if he's smelled something foul, and the smirk. Sometimes, to be fair, he combines the two into a disdainful smirk. It's really uncanny how someone can be this successful at such a young age without ever smiling.

Yep, 99% of his time on earth, Kiffin smirks. It's his most noticeable physical characteristic.

I started thinking, what does Kiffin look like when his kids open Christmas presents? What about when he poses for family photographs? Then I started thinking even more, which is even more dangerous, couldn't you construct a solid pyramid of coaching success based solely on the absence of the smile?

Think about this, who really smiles in the SEC and has won a national championship? Urban Meyer? Nein. Nick Saban? Nein.

Steve Spurrier used to smile, but then he started making a living as a defensive guru and now he looks like he's trying to pass a kidney stone standing on the sideline.

You know how political candidates have to smile all the time in order to get elected. Being a coach in the SEC is the exact opposite, you have to look like you hate your job and everyone associated with it for people to trust you with their football programs.

2. Joe Cox is Joe Tereshinski with longer arms and less generational connection to the football program.

All season long Georgia fans have argued that Joe Cox was going to be an adequate quarterback. That he wasn't Matthew Stafford flashy, but he'd get the job done. It's almost like the University of Georgia sent out talking points to Bulldog fans; it was uncanny how brainwashed they all were. Mention his name and immediately Georgia fans put on their metaphorical--it was the offseason so they didn't need to break them out yet--red pants and barked about how Cox backed up Chris Leak at Independence High before he took over and led the team to a state championship. Next, Dawg fans pointed to his performance in a come-from-behind victory over Colorado back in 2006. Then they hit the intangibles, how hard he'd worked, his leadership how much the team respected him, if it's possible to praise someone while only using intangible qualities, Georgia fans set a record in the 2009 offseason when it came to Cox.

In so doing they overlooked the fact that you or I look more imposing than Cox does. They conveniently ignored my question about how a guy could spend five years in Georgia's weight program and have smaller arms than me. And now, well, now, those talking points are long forgotten.

Because Georgia is in real trouble. At best they're going to split their next two games, at home against South Carolina and on the road at Arkansas.

At best.

Then what?

This is going to be a season of woe for Georgia football.

Yep, the long knives are out in Athens. Mark Richt better hope those knives are put to better use, adding to and shaping the ample cleavage in the Georgia undergrad population, instead of coming after him and defensive coordinator Willie Martinez.

3. The Big Ten is awful. So is the ACC.

New gambit, is it possible to not mention any teams above the Mason-Dixon line for an entire season in the Monday review column? I think so.

So we're working with a new theory in the ClayNation column: they don't play college football above the Mason-Dixon line.

4. John Chavis' defense did not inspire great faith in the LSU-Washington game. Also, I'm an old man.

I drove back from Knoxville and sat down on the couch to spend the rest of the evening watching multiple games I'd DVR'ed. I kept going strong until near halftime of LSU-Washington, which I caught up with to watch live. Then, at around 11:30, I was overcome with fatigue. So I had to DVR the second half and watch it Sunday morning.

I felt like such a failure.

Much like Chavis's defense in the opener.

LSU played an awful lot of zone defense on third and long and Jake Locker ate them for a late dinner. For a while there it looked like the Huskies, cheered on a by a fan who arrived inexplicably wearing a wrestling singlet, were going to get their first win since 2007. A few times the cameras cut to Les Miles as he talked to John Chavis on the sideline. Fortunately, I'm a great lip-reader. So I know exactly what he said.

Les: "Come on now, Chief, we didn't pay you over a half million dollars so you could get me fired. Skip Bertman just realized he's got a disaster on his hands and you're our savior. But you ain't saving nothing out there."

Chavis: "I can't look into my defensive players' eyes if you're looking at me, Les. That's why I'm on the sideline. Not to talk to you. Just give me some time, I own first and second down, got them stamped, says 'Chief' in bold red letters. You've got fourth down, Les, says 'Ballz' in LSU purple, we're working on third down. We get third down covered, we going to win big here."

Les: "Good. Like to hear it. We've got to get up early tomorrow, tour the Lincoln Monument, Vietnam Veteran's, the Ko-Rea monument. I love Ko-Reans."

Chavis: "That's the other Washington."

5. Olive Garden is, inexplicably, the most popular restaurant in the South.

At some point in the future, I'm going to buy out all the restaurants next door to Olive Garden and open up more Olive Gardens. I don't get this, why is the restaurant so popular down here? No matter what time of the day or night you go to Olive Garden there's a huge wait. It's impossible to eat there. Is lasagna the new barbecue?

The restaurant is what, twenty years old? How are these crowds at a chain restaurant still possible? What's so delectable about the Olive Garden that they generate $4 billion dollars per square foot of restaurant space in the South?

Is it like this anywhere else in the country?

As you can see, I made the mistake of attempting to eat at one over the weekend.

6. Solid starts for Gene Chizik and Dan Mullen; Lane Kiffin doles out touchdowns to favored players.

Most importantly for Chizik, offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn looks like the early leader in the clubhouse when it comes to newly hired coordinators who will help the most in the college ranks. The fact that Auburn's offense put up 556 yards on anyone is a tribute to him. Also, I love that Chizik pumped his fist during the Tiger Walk and this inspired confidence among Auburn faithful. Really? That's all it takes, being fiery while walking to the stadium. I've been pumping my fist since I was 13, and I don't have a lot to show for it.

As for Dan Mullen, Mississippi State fans are going to give him plenty of room to install his new offense. 48 points is the most State has scored since the War of Northern Aggression.

Finally, Lane Kiffin's touchdown selection is weird for two reasons: a. It's inexplicable that the offense is so capable with a first and goal situation that a coach can decide who should score as opposed to which down to attempt the field goal on and b. the coach picks who scores.

At least twice Lane Kiffin put in favored players to score on plays called expressly for them. The first time with freshman phenom Bryce Brown after starting running back Montario Hardesty had done all the work to get UT to the two-yard line. Hardesty was upset about being pulled before the touchdown, and Kiffin rewarded Brown with the first touchdown of his career. Quite the stage manager there.

Then Kiffin dialed up the goal line passes for Jonathan Crompton to get his self-esteem back after last season. Four of Crompton's touchdown passes came from inside the ten yard line.

7. Alabama is going to win the SEC West.

I've seen enough to feel comfortable that both LSU and Ole Miss are going to lose a minimum of three conference games each. Alabama might only lose two. So the Crimson Tide will be back in Atlanta in a little less than three months.

Also, for Virginia Tech fans, take some consolation in the fact that Ryan Williams is going to be a bona fide stud. And that it should be impossible for your team to lose more than two conference games this season.

8. The staring at each other while talking in the press box gambit needs to end.

Why did this ever take off as a motif for calling games? You know what I'm talking about, when the announcers are calling a game and the camera cuts to the booth and both men have to look at each other while they're talking. The idea is: 'Hey, there's no camera here, we're just two guys having a conversation.'

Only that doesn't work.

It's really creepy.

Because the camera is the third person in this conversation and some of the announcers take the staring at their partner bit way too intently. Like whoever the white guy calling the Ole Miss game with Rod Gilmore was. Joe Tessitore? That sounds like a made-up name. Anyway, I felt like Gilmore's head was going to catch fire with the intensity of Tessitore's smoldering gaze.

Joe, baby, you don't need to sell the stare that well. Just look at us, please.

Can we end this everywhere? The announcers aren't having a conversation that we happen to overhear, they're calling the game that we all tuned in to watch, let them address the camera.

9. "I'm Jevan F'in Snead."

I don't want to say Snead has gotten a big head after all the attention this offseason, but his entire performance on Sunday seemed designed to draw attention to himself. Even the interceptions had a swaggering -- look at how far I can throw the damn football -- look about them. He finished 12 of 22 for 175 yards with two touchdowns and two interceptions, but I don't know how comfortable you can be if you're an Ole Miss fan. At least not until Snead decides he doesn't have to live up to the preseason hype all by himself.

Also, you know how some coaches can sweat, and you think, that's great, look how hard they're working, and then other coaches can sweat and you think, they should never put the camera on them when it's hot outside.

Houston Nutt is definitely in the latter camp.

10. Andre Johnson's Dick Sporting Goods commercial is the worst athlete commercial in the past ten years.

I'm going to do a whole column on this since they played it 14 times during each game, but if you've ever wondered what an athlete commercial would look like if an athlete was incapable of a. speaking outside of a single montone b. moving his body while speaking or c. conveying any expression via his face other than lip movement, this commercial is your Mona Lisa, a priceless work of athlete art.

11. Congrats to South Carolina for surviving September.

They were in real danger of starting the season 1-3. Now they get a shot to ruin both Georgia and Ole Miss's seasons before the month is out. Win either and they're sitting at 3-1 and the season can still be a bright and shining city on the hill of South Carolina football seasons past. By which I mean, South Carolina could still win eight games.
...
Clay Travis is the author of three books. His latest, On Rocky Top: A Front Row Seat to The End of an Era chronicles the 2008 Tennessee football season, is on sale now.

The Kiffin Smirk, Olive Garden, and the ClayNation Starting 11 originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>bryce brownBryceBrowndan mullenDanMullengene chizikGeneChizikjevan sneadJevanSneadjoe coxJoeCoxjohn chavisJohnChavisjonathan cromptonJonathanCromptonlane kiffinLaneKiffinles milesLesMilesmark richtMarkRichtmontario hardestyMontarioHardestyryan williamsRyanWilliamsClay TravisMon, 07 Sep 2009 18:30:00 EST College Football FanHouse Saturday Chathttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/05/college-football-fanhouse-saturday-chat/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/05/college-football-fanhouse-saturday-chat/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/05/college-football-fanhouse-saturday-chat/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

Join the College Football FanHouse crew for a mid-day chat as college football's opening week unfolds. We'll have several of our writers and additional interesting Twitter feeds participating in the chat application.

The show gets rolling at 3 PM ET, comfortably nestled at the end of the early slate of games and before headliners like USC, Notre Dame, Illinois, Georgia and Oklahoma State go battle. Chat application after the jump.

College Football FanHouse Saturday Chat originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Sat, 05 Sep 2009 13:49:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>College Football FanHouse ChatBrian GrummellSat, 05 Sep 2009 13:49:00 EST LeGarrette Blount Just Sucker Punched His Way Out of College Footballhttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/04/legarrette-blount-just-sucker-punched-his-way-out-of-college-foo/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/04/legarrette-blount-just-sucker-punched-his-way-out-of-college-foo/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/04/legarrette-blount-just-sucker-punched-his-way-out-of-college-foo/#commentsFiled under: , , , , ,

There's no other way to put this: Oregon tailback LeGarrette Blount straight lost his mind Thursday night, sucker punching a Boise State player and requiring physical restraint to leave the stadium after the Ducks' embarrassing 19-8 loss. Boise State's Byron Hout appeared to tap Blount on the shoulder during postgame interactions, before turning away, only to take a Blount sucker punch to his jaw that floored him. Broncos coach Chris Petersen rushed in to separate him from further incident.

Blount then hopped away, only to get into another altercation with several Boise State fans seated near the field. At that point several people had to restrain him and forcibly drag him down the tunnel into an unknown but probably dark future. It's not unreasonable to speculate that his college career is over. Blount was particularly atrocious in Thursday's game, netting negative five yards on eight carries including being on the wrong end of a safety.

(Video after the jump.)

LeGarrette Blunt sucker punch incidentHout is not immune from criticism in his role in the affair, but Blount crossed a line in punching a player who had turned away from him. His inexplicable escalation after arguing with some Boise State fans while leaving the stadium only further condemns him to a severe fate.

Boise State coach Chris Petersen, who was witness to the sucker punch, was more diplomatic, telling ESPN's Heather Cox that emotions had gotten the better of some players while turning attention to his team.

It's too bad, because, despite his bad game, Blount is a marvelous talent who would have done great things for Oregon this year. At this point he's just as likely to face a lengthy suspension or outright booting from the Oregon football program as he is to play again this year.

Of no small irony -- the American Football Coaches' Association had recommended full-team pregame handshakes to build sportsmanship in the game during opening weekend.

LeGarrette Blount Just Sucker Punched His Way Out of College Football originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 04 Sep 2009 01:57:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Byron HoutChris PetersenLeGarrette BlountBrian GrummellFri, 04 Sep 2009 01:57:00 EST FanHouse Chats College Football, Thursday at 1PM EThttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/03/fanhouse-chats-college-football-thursday-at-1-pm-eastern/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/03/fanhouse-chats-college-football-thursday-at-1-pm-eastern/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/03/fanhouse-chats-college-football-thursday-at-1-pm-eastern/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , ,


The college football season is upon us.

Highlighted by Oregon trying to take down Boise State on the blue turf, the season kicks off with a handful of games Thursday night. Then, the main course arrives Saturday, with some huge season openers around the country. Join the FanHouse team Thursday at 1 PM Eastern, as we talk about the upcoming season, and the interesting slate of games that awaits us this weekend.

FanHouse Chats College Football, Thursday at 1PM ET originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 03 Sep 2009 12:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Bruce CiskieThu, 03 Sep 2009 12:00:00 EST All That And a Bag of Mail Returns: Tackling Weddings in Football Seasonhttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/02/all-that-and-a-bag-of-mail-returns-tackling-weddings-in-footbal/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/02/all-that-and-a-bag-of-mail-returns-tackling-weddings-in-footbal/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/09/02/all-that-and-a-bag-of-mail-returns-tackling-weddings-in-footbal/#commentsFiled under: , ,

In the distant mists of Internet history there was a time when all was just, when the world was free and open and a squirrel could hop from one tree to another all the way from Maine to Key West. It was a time when pink dolphins lay down with beaver pelts, beards were good, and All That and a Bag of Mail came every Friday on CBSSports.com. Well, the past is prologue ladies and gentlemen. On college football eve, the ClayNation mailbag is back. We'll be here every Wednesday to ponder life's mysteries, answer your questions, and award the elusive beaver pelt trader of the week award. Come closer now tiny dancer and enter the mailbag.

As always, the questions are entirely your own. The goal is to be fun, entertaining, and non-cliche. To begin this week, I'd like to take the time to extend the first FanHouse beaver pelt trader of the week award to reader Clint B. whose rename the BCS nominee "antimatter" won the contest. (The beaver pelt trader of the week is given out each week to someone who has done something remarkable as judged by me, or as voted by y'all. The phrase is my attempted substitute for the outdated cliche of calling someone a "riverboat gambler" if they take a risk in a football game.) On to the mailbag.
Rob B. writes:

Claytravious-

I moved to New York City after graduating from our beloved University of Tennessee. For almost three years, I feel that I, and my other southern friends that live here, have done a fairly remarkable job of letting folks know how important SEC sports are (not just to us, but to world history). Apparently I was wrong. One of my best friends in the city decided to get engaged last week, and he has asked me to be in his wedding in New Jersey on September 19, 2009. I can't imagine anything much worse than being in a Yankee wedding - formal dinner, more dreadful toasts, less alcohol-encouraged debauchery than the southern version (I'm sure you've been through this hell enough to know what I'm talking about) - in New Jersey on this date. This predicament seems to happen to you on a regular basis; do you have any insight or tips on manipulating wedding dates? It may not be set in stone yet.

Wishing I still lived in a manly city.


Every year we get e-mails like this and they break my heart anew. If you're a man or woman, a Southern person might be required to come to your wedding, and you've ever considered getting married during the fall, don't. There is a reason why those dates are open -- because people who aren't already pregnant have planned ahead and taken the other months. Why? Because they aren't ungrateful wenches who pray on the good nature of their friends and family to schedule weddings during the fall.

Sigh.

Somebody should write a thesis comparing divorce rates in the South when a wedding takes place in the fall with other months. I'm convinced that while we lead the nation in divorce anyway, the rates are even higher for fall weddings.

But a Yankee wedding really takes the proverbial cake. That's awful. The girls are uglier, there's less alcohol, people are talking about the Yankees and the Red Sox, and meanwhile one of the 12 or 13 greatest Saturdays of the year is unspooling away outside your purview. All the while you have to talk about Long Island traffic and the Arctic ice caps melting.

Just shoot yourself.

And you can't even go dark and pretend that the game isn't happening by turning off all media devices. Why? Some gel-haired tool with a tan that's taken him 14 months to perfect will come up to you on the dance floor, give you a high five -- which you'll want to redirect at his overly tanned face -- and say, "Bro, you're from Tennessee. They got killed today. What happened? It was 48-10."

So, I really don't have any great advice. Other than root for the wedding to fall apart. Maybe tape the bachelor party and discreetly email a file to the bride-to-be.

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Karen P. writes:

I just read your article about Erin Andrews and I had to laugh! I took you for a 50-year-old man, and I was really surprised to find out how young you are to have such antiquated beliefs.

You REALLY think we (women) don't know how much you guys think about sex??!! REALLY?? What is this, Clay, 1957? I'm almost flabbergasted that you seriously think No. 1, that we don't know that men think about sex 99.9 percent of the time ... and No. 2, that you don't know that women now think about sex an awful lot, too, since we have become more liberated over the years!

You're absolutely, positively uninformed if you really believe that women don't know what makes men tick.

Furthermore, you seem to think you know the gender of people that are looking at the video. Why are you so 100 percent sure it's all men? Do you know how many women have looked at that to see what all the fuss is about? To see if she's hotter than us, or if we're hotter than her? (That's what women do.) And do you know how many lesbians probably looked at that? I think you're really out-of-touch with modern women, Clay.

And you think we don't know how you guys feel about cheerleaders??!! Come on. You've got to be kidding me with this one. We go to games to look at cheerleaders to see how you react, to see what you like.

God, you have just proven to me by this article that MEN ARE DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We get it, Clay ... give us more credit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, I have a real way with the ladies. I'll just make a couple of comments.

1. One of the greatest lies men of my generation have been told, post -sexual revolution, is that women want to have sex as much as we do. That's a bald-faced lie. If you're in college right now, you might disagree. So did I. Wait until you get married.

Then you'll see.

Married men are nodding right now.

2. Ninety-five percent of the people who watched the video were men. I'll stake my life on it. There certainly weren't many lesbians. Why? Because Erin Andrews has long hair. Lesbians only like women with short hair. (I'm an expert on lesbians.) Also, I love lesbians and wish there were more of them.

3. "We go to games to look at cheerleaders to see how you react, to see what you like."

My god, what are the cheerleaders doing at the games you go to? To see what we like? I'll summarize, we like attractive women. Preferably not wearing many clothes. That's not too complicated. Otherwise, who are you, the Cheerleader Whisperer? You can watch a man watch cheerleaders and tell what he likes?

This deserves further explanation.

Thanks for the e-mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coy B. writes:

C'lay,
I have recently started dating a girl who originally hails from Mississippi. While we get along great I am beginning to have a problem with her. When I discovered she was from the South, I immediately began to inquire about whether or not she was a football fan. I was elated to learn that she was not only a football fan but an SEC fan. My problem stems from when I began to dig into her SEC fandom. She claims to be a fan of both Ole Miss and Mississippi State. I feel like this just cannot be allowed to happen. I have begun to question things with her because how can she be loyal to such rivals? She is also a UNC basketball fan, which I have just tried to ignore. So my question is, do I pursue things with her, because if I do I feel as though I may be tossed aside during a down year for the cross-state rival? I need a little advice here.

No matter what state you're from, you can't root for two rivals equally. What does she do when they play each other? She has to have a preference, right? I think that's where you go, to eliminate the doubt in your mind. You have to pin her down (figuratively), and get the answer to this question. Otherwise the torment in your mind isn't going to cease.

Preface your question by explaining that she should choose wisely. Explain that if she will cheat on her favored team, you will, justifiably, assume that she will one day cheat on you as well. (If she isn't already. Women are sex-crazed, you know, just ask Karen.)

Also, I'd be leery of a Southern girl who roots for more than one team, they're the ones who set up fall weddings.


Jesse Hutmaker writes:

Do you think it is possible to start a campaign for the inventor of the sundress to receive a humanitarian award? The inventor should, at the very least, have a statue made after them and definitely have a national holiday named after them. I think you are just the right person to make this campaign work.

Thanks.

Here's what I've been arguing for the past two years, I want to create a National Sundress Party. Like Woodstock for hot women in sundresses. Get a bunch of bands to play Sweet Caroline, Don't Stop Believing, and Sweet Home Alabama on constant repeat -- the troika of songs that makes all Southern girls go mad with delight -- throw the party and watch the money roll in.

The other night I told my wife that I was going to roll the profits from the new book into this idea. Let's just say, she's not that excited about it. But she's a Yankee, she'd never worn a sundress to a football game until 2001. She'll come around. At the first inaugural sundress party we could unveil a statue to whoever this genius of fashion was. Brilliant idea.

Ben W. writes:

C'lay

My friend sent me this story about an urban coon hunter, and I figured I would pass it on to you. I'll be honest, I was left speechless by the greatness of this story except for this one line.

"A licensed hunter and furrier, Beasley says he hunts coons and rabbit and squirrel for a clientele who hail mainly from the South, where the wild critters are considered something of a delicacy."

Now, I'm no connoisseur of coon, but what self respecting southerner is going all the way to Detroit to purchase fresh coon? And what the the hell is a furrier?

This story is outstanding. Great point on Southerners buying Detroit coon. And how is it shipped? What if it went to the wrong house and you opened up a package and it had a dead raccoon inside. You'd think your life was being threatened, right? God forbid, you were a minority, CNN would be on your doorstep in minutes.

Also, while I love the urban coon hunter phrase, what are the odds that you'd get called into the office if your company saw that you'd been visiting urbancoonhunter.com? It looks like a spin-off from milfhunter.

More mailbag next week. As always email questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

Clay Travis is the author of three books. His latest, On Rocky Top: A Front Row Seat to The End of an Era chronicles the 2008 Tennessee football season, is on sale now.

All That And a Bag of Mail Returns: Tackling Weddings in Football Season originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisWed, 02 Sep 2009 22:00:00 EST Big Red N Marks Spot for Bonfire-Happy FAU Fanshttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/30/big-red-n-marks-the-spot-for-bonfire-happy-fau-fans/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/30/big-red-n-marks-the-spot-for-bonfire-happy-fau-fans/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/30/big-red-n-marks-the-spot-for-bonfire-happy-fau-fans/#commentsFiled under: ,

Florida Atlantic football fans took to burning a giant red letter N this week at a bonfire rally ahead of their matchup with powerful Nebraska. Its notable both for the audacity and the surprising sanction granted the exercise. In a politically correct society like ours this is a downright hostile act, made more provocative by the ceremonial lighting by both the school's president and Captain Kangaroo stand-in, coach Howard Schnellenberger.

I'll step aside and channel my inner Beavis for a moment. Fire! Heh ... heh ... Fire! Fire! Video after the jump.

Big Red N Marks Spot for Bonfire-Happy FAU Fans originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Sun, 30 Aug 2009 10:15:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Howard SchnellenbergerBrian GrummellSun, 30 Aug 2009 10:15:00 EST College Football Guru Phil Steele Agrees With Florida Lovehttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/29/college-football-guru-phil-steele-agrees-with-florida-love/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/29/college-football-guru-phil-steele-agrees-with-florida-love/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/29/college-football-guru-phil-steele-agrees-with-florida-love/#commentsFiled under: ,

Usually, you can count on Phil Steele to think outside the proverbial box. When his annual college football preview is released in June, there are interesting picks made, some of which will make you scratch your head. Of course, Steele's ability to buck conventional wisdom and make accurate picks has won him quite the audience, so you don't normally scratch your head for very long.

Recently, the man behind what is unquestionably the biggest and most detailed college preview on the market took time to answer a few questions for FanHouse.

How did you get started doing this magazine?

I have been writing a football newsletter since 1982. The preseason magazines never had enough information for me so 18 years ago, as my staff grew larger, we started complying the information ourselves and put it into a book form and 15 years ago put out the first magazine.

This is the magazine I use as my quick, easy reference tool throughout the entire season and I have all of the information on the same spot on every page for every team.

Talk about the insane amount of research that goes into this publication every year.

I have a staff of 30 people who work on nothing but college football year-round. You'll find the stats in my magazine are 99.9% accurate. Not only do we log our own stats during the course of the season, but we then compare them to the school's stats, conference stats and NCAA stats. When there are discrepancies (and surprisingly there are quite a few) we go on a game-by-game basis to find which are the correct numbers and those are the ones that get published.

Each page of the magazine goes through 6-10 proof readings. I personally log about 80-100 hour work weeks during football and magazine time and have a setup with 12 TVs in front of me. I watch 12 college games all day long each Saturday while members of the staff are in other offices charting the games. I then go through the play-by-play of every FBS team for that week, even if a Sun Belt team plays an FCS team, I go though every play.

I have different members of my staff assigned to different conferences and their responsibility is to read the local papers and underline important information all year. I write each of the 120 team previews myself and from December 1st through mid-May I go through what was underlined during the course of the season and read that before writing the team as it gives me a day-by-day assessment of the team.

That's generally about 200-250 pages that I read through on each team before even starting to write the magazine. My staff and I are researching for the magazine right up until the page is sent to press, making sure we have the most up-to-date information.

How tough is it to put your predictions together?

I find the predictions the fun part of the magazine. I go out of the box on many of my forecasts and have had many surprise teams that have done just that. I always look for factors other than the final score of the game which then deems games over or under rated.

What is the hardest part about doing the magazine?

The hours and the never ending deadlines.

Why did you decide to start doing regional magazines?

I feel that the Phil Steele National Magazine has more information than any other college football preview, probably 3-4 times the amount with two full pages on each FBS team. With that said, I wanted even MORE in-depth coverage available to the fans, so I published the Regionals, devoting SIX full pages to the BCS conference teams (four to the non-BCS). Other publications have regional coverage but that does not come close to the SIX full pages that I offer in my Regionals, which even blows my own National Magazine away with amount of individualized information on those six pages.

My FCS coverage (in the ACC/Big East Regional) is really a quick, easy reference tool to the FCS and has probably ten times the amount of information than any other magazine on the market!

Has the explosion of information sites and blogs helped or hurt your business? Why?

I think it helps. Theoretically you could go online and visit 240 different sites (two sites per team) and try to compile all of the information on the internet yourself or you could just have my magazine which has already done the work for you on hand and it's a flip of the page away. That's something you can take with you anywhere. The amount of information sites and blogs provide have helped me get information, especially on smaller teams like the Sun Belt or WKU which just joined the NCAA and last year did not even come out with a spring prospectus until June or July when our magazine was already on the newsstands.

What do you have planned for your Web site during the season?

I have huge things planned for the website during the season. Just like last year, we will update starts lost to injury on a weekly basis, I will have my own personal forecasts on each of the Top 25 teams and perhaps my forecast of every game for the college season. We have individual team bloggers and I will have a daily blog.
We will update the special teams ratings, pass efficiency ratings during the season and I will post a couple of sets of power ratings which grade individual teams for the upcoming year on a weekly basis. Every day something else comes up that I will add to the site and the team pages give you the last 20 years results at the click of a button.

Also on the team pages on PhilSteele.com, if you click on their opponent for that week, you will get the last 12 years' results at your fingertips including stats. There is a Future Schedules tab where we list the 2010, 2011 and 2012 matchups and if the game is not being played in '09 but they face off in '10, you get the last 13 years' results with the click of a mouse. You can go back and get the past history (post game write-up) for each team for this decade and the individual player stats for each of the last 3 years. We keep adding to the team pages and bowl pages weekly. In the magazine I am limited to 328 pages, but they tell me I have unlimited space to use on the website and I plan to test that with PhilSteele.com.

Every year, there seem to be at least one or two teams you're bullish on that no one else is. Would you please tell us about one of your top surprise teams for the 2009 season?

One of my top surprise teams is Rutgers. Rutgers is not going to even be in the top 30 or 40 in the rankings at the start of the year but I feel that they have a shot at going 12-0 partially due to their schedule. I have not seen a BCS team take on a No. 106 schedule but the Knights do that this year with non-conf games vs Howard, FIU and Texas Southern. Rutgers has my No. 8 rated O-line and No. 23 set of LB¹s. There are five main contenders in the Big East. Along with Rutgers they are Cincinnati, Pitt, USF, and West Virginia. Rutgers not only gets the other four teams all at home but gets them in solid situations. They face a Cincy team that is inexperienced the first week of the season (just when you want to play an inexperienced team). Pitt has to play Connecticut then travel on a short week and play Rutgers on a Friday. Rutgers is off a bye, another great situation. USF does not play well in cold weather yet Rutgers hosts them on Nov. 12 in New Jersey and odds are it will be cold. Finally when they face West Virginia, the Mountaineers will be coming off their Backyard Brawl game against Pitt.

Another surprise team will be Illinois this year. In 2007 I called Illinois my No. 2 Most Improved Team in the country. Part of the reason was that Illinois had finished 2-10 the previous year but had actually outgained foes by 35 ypg which is more indicative of a 7-5 team. Illinois did not disappoint me in 2007 as they finished the regular season No. 13 in the country and played in the Rose Bowl. Last year I had Illinois ranked lower than most publications and they finished just 5-7. Interesting they were +86.5 ypg in conference play which was the second best mark in the Big Ten and 30 yards better than Ohio St. When a team is +86.5 ypg in conf play they generally go 7-1 but Illinois was just 3-5. Looking at the Illini¹s road schedule this year I only have them an underdog in one road game (Ohio St) and that's a team they outgained 455-354 last year with a 25-16 first down edge. They have 95.3 percent of their offensive yards returning which is fifth most in the NCAA.

You're on the spot, Phil. Who plays in Pasadena for the BCS title?

My pick for Pasadena this year is Florida versus Texas and ironically the last time a team came into the season as big a preseason favorite as Florida is this year, was USC in 2005. As you recall in 2005 USC was dominant during the regular season outscoring foes by an avg of 49.1-22.8 and ESPN did a piece prior to their Championship Game versus Texas asking if USC was the greatest team of all-time. They seemed to come to the conclusion that, yes they were, but ironically in Pasadena, Texas upset the Trojans. Will lightning strike twice?

Phil Steele's 2009 national and regional college football previews can be picked up in your local bookstore, or at his Web site.

College Football Guru Phil Steele Agrees With Florida Love originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Sat, 29 Aug 2009 16:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Bruce CiskieSat, 29 Aug 2009 16:00:00 EST Minor League Team's 'What Would Tim Tebow Do?' Night Called Foulhttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/27/minor-league-teams-what-would-tim-tebow-do-night-called-foul/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/27/minor-league-teams-what-would-tim-tebow-do-night-called-foul/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/27/minor-league-teams-what-would-tim-tebow-do-night-called-foul/#commentsFiled under: ,

It's come to this in Florida: Tim Tebow is standing in as Jesus for minor league baseball promotions. At least he would be if the "What Would Tim Tebow Do?" promotion by the minor league Fort Myers Miracle hadn't run afoul of NCAA regulations promoting the use of player likenesses to promote for-profit events. Instead, after receiving a letter from the University of Florida, the Miracle scrambled and came up with an ingenious counterstrike that left legal scholars baffled: "What Would T.T. Do?"

Who could this strange figure with double T's as initials truly be?



Festivities included, and I'm not making this up, a Tim Tebow jump pass to begin the game. The video's above and, if you're anything like me, you can't stop watching this pass. It's strangely hypnotic, Tebowian in the odd rapidity with which this guy executes his role. He comes barreling out of the dugout at full speed wearing a Gators No. 1 jersey (was the Tebow jersey deemed too much?), pauses for an instant, jump passes a football, and then sprints back off the field. The entire process takes 15 seconds.

The only thing the scene needed to be complete was a crying LSU, Tennessee, or Oklahoma fan.

But that wasn't all the fun. Cue the article:
Festivities included free promise rings to every fan at the game, a ceremonial "jump-pass" to start the game and mock character named "T.T." attempted to walk on water after the top of the second inning. Local construction worked Timothy Tebo (no relation) was scheduled to appear and take part in the activities, but was a no-show at the game.
Damn, construction workers, so unreliable, even when they share a name with a saint.

By the way, am I the only one who thinks the parenthetical after Timothy Tebo (no relation) is the greatest thing in this article? Are you now required to put a parentheses in disclaiming relations when people don't even have the same last name? This is either the most unintentionally funny copy edit I've seen in a long time, or it's the greatest Tim Tebow joke pulled off so far.

If any minor league park ever gets desperate enough to host a "What Would Clay Travis Do?" night -- which by the way, would not be PG and could lead to a mass arrest when the "public urination after several beers at the game" portion of the night happens--I hope they can find a construction worker named Clay Travi (no relation.)

And he doesn't bother to show up.

As everyone scrambles to find ways to make money off Tim Tebow, including the Florida Gators who have probably sold four billion Gator No. 15 jerseys, is there anything that went too far to be featured at "What Would T.T. Do?" night?

Yep, they contemplated a mock circumcision.

Seriously.

Too bad. They should have raised the bar and invited Tebow and had him perform circumcisions during the 7th inning stretch.

He probably would have accepted. And then the entire stadium would have converted in one joyous medley of religious fervor. Such is the power of the chosen one.

Minor League Team's 'What Would Tim Tebow Do?' Night Called Foul originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:40:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>tim tebowClay TravisThu, 27 Aug 2009 12:40:00 EST Ohio State Urges Fans to Show Some Respect for Navyhttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/26/ohio-state-urges-fans-to-show-some-respect-for-navy/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/26/ohio-state-urges-fans-to-show-some-respect-for-navy/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/26/ohio-state-urges-fans-to-show-some-respect-for-navy/#commentsFiled under: , , , ,

US Naval Academy graduatesIn ten days (I'd say ten short days, but this time of year the days are never short enough), Ohio State will open its 2009 season with a home game against the United States Naval Academy. It will mark the first time these two teams have faced each other since the 1981 Liberty Bowl, which the Buckeyes won, 31-28. Prior to that, Ohio State and Navy hadn't played since 1931.

Ohio State University wants its fans to know that this isn't exactly the Kentucky School of Turfgrass Management that's coming to town. The Midshipmen are giving up a minimum of four years of their postgraduate life serving this country in harm's way and face a brutal class load off the field. Consequently, they deserve a better treatment than hearing "YOU SUCK, 23" from five directions at once. OSU has a YouTube video saying as much (video after the jump).



No argument here, except for the fact that some schools already do this, so it can't start at Ohio State. Nebraska fans even go so far as to applaud every opponent who comes to Lincoln.

But yes, there is something different about the service academies. Perhaps the most memorable afternoon I've ever had watching college football was the 1995 Navy-Air Force game at Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium in Annapolis. The weather that day was pretty wretched, but the whole experience of watching the cadets march in, experiencing all the formality and regalia involved, and the F-14 Tomcats which flew over the stadium precisely as the Air Force team was being introduced, made it the most special game I've ever seen in person.

So we might goof on Army's perennial lack of success or how Navy and Air Force both run basic high school offenses, but you know those players on the field aren't dreaming of big Sunday paychecks and aren't putting all their eggs in the football basket. In a sport where purity has all but vanished, the service academies are still doing it right, and they deserve all the respect we fans can give them.

But would it kill us all to show our appreciation for all the opposing teams, even if they've just ended our quest for a conference championship? No, it would not. And that goes double for the teams playing the money games. You're having a blast, but they're not having very much fun. Let them know you appreciate them.

(Hat tip: Midwest Sports Fans)

Ohio State Urges Fans to Show Some Respect for Navy originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:20:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Mark HastyWed, 26 Aug 2009 21:20:00 EST Indiana Sells Big Ten Home Gamehttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/26/indiana-sells-big-ten-home-game/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/26/indiana-sells-big-ten-home-game/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/26/indiana-sells-big-ten-home-game/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

While there is precedent for it, this is the kind of money grab that can make college football fans uncomfortable. It's one thing for someone like Navy to take a seven-figure paycheck to get trampled by Ohio State, but then there is the concept of selling off a conference home game.

Indiana has become the latest to do this, giving up a home date with Penn State in the 2010 season. That game will be played at FedEx Field in Landover, Md., home of the NFL's Washington Redskins.

Off a last-place season, at what is predominantly a basketball school, the Hoosiers aren't exactly a big draw. Their home games in 2008 averaged just 31,782 fans per game in a 50,000-seat stadium.

According to Crimson Quarry, the Hoosiers are going to make $3 million on this move, but doing so means they've basically given Penn State an extra home game (or at least a non-road game), while relegating their own program to three total home games in the 2010 Big Ten season. While many would scoff at the notion of IU being even a bowl contender, this is still a big deal.

As mentioned, there is precedent for this type of move. Duke sold off home games against Florida State in 1995 and 1999, but this doesn't happen often. Texas A&M and Arkansas are playing a series of games at the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium, but both teams are giving up home dates over the course of that contract. Texas Tech and Baylor will both give up home games to play each other in that stadium in 2009 and the Cotton Bowl in 2010.

You have a hard time finding schools willing to sell off conference home games, though.

In this economy, it's understandable why a school would look favorably on a $3 million deal, no matter the public relations mess it may cause. However, it's obvious that Indiana's inadequate attendance played a role. If they were selling out Memorial Stadium every week, this would probably not be a serious consideration.

Indiana Sells Big Ten Home Game originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 26 Aug 2009 11:20:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Bruce CiskieWed, 26 Aug 2009 11:20:00 EST Kingsport Mourns Death of High School Football Player Jake Loguehttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/24/kingsport-mourns-death-of-high-school-football-player-jake-logue/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/24/kingsport-mourns-death-of-high-school-football-player-jake-logue/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/24/kingsport-mourns-death-of-high-school-football-player-jake-logue/#commentsFiled under:

Friday night lights are back in Tennessee, but tragedy has already marred the season. Sullivan South High School (Kingsport, Tenn.) senior lineman Jake Logue collapsed and died of cardiac arrest in the team's season opener. School officials wisely ended the game after he collapsed on the field late in the third quarter.

The death of the popular team co-captain stunned the Kingsport community, who showed up in numbers 900-strong for a hastily organized vigil Saturday night, remembering Logue as someone who affected many in a positive way.
Shannon Smith, a senior at South who helped organize the vigil with friends and members of the football team, said the turnout was evidence of the impact Logue had on those in the community.

"He was one of those guys you know, no matter what, you'd always see him in the hall and he'd be smiling, all 6-foot-4 of him," said Smith, who has known Logue since first grade. "And you can tell from tonight, he was friends with everybody. I can't remember one time I've ever heard or seen Jake say anything mean to anybody. He was just a great person."
We always read these kinds of glowing words about young people taken too early, and its easy to be respectful and wince at the grief that must affect his family and friends. Reading the quotes in the stories, Logue seemed pretty special, not just someone people wisely said a nice thing or two about and then moved on with their lives. This is very much real, very genuine, and heartbreaking.

The middle of the school's football field is now painted with his number, '54' and his name below. Its a small but steady reminder about a fallen son, student, teammate, friend. One last sign of glory, no substitute for the real thing but something tangible for those left behind to ponder and mourn.
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Kingsport Mourns Death of High School Football Player Jake Logue originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 24 Aug 2009 10:50:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>jake logueBrian GrummellMon, 24 Aug 2009 10:50:00 EST New Mexico State Introduces Snack Attack Offensehttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/17/new-mexico-state-introduces-snack-attack-offense/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/17/new-mexico-state-introduces-snack-attack-offense/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/17/new-mexico-state-introduces-snack-attack-offense/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

New Mexico State logoIt's come to this.

Due to the recession and a subsequent budget crunch, New Mexico State's football team is requesting that fans donate snacks to the team. That's not a joke, not a point of satire meant to illustrate the difference between playing at a Big Six conference and being a member of the WAC. Nope, that's the unvarnished truth.

According to the AP, "New Mexico State's budget-conscious football staff distributed an e-mail this week asking fans to donate after-practice or late-night snacks for hungry players." Why are they doing this? To help close a $1.5 million budget gap. That's an awful lot of snacks.

So far players have received peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, watermelons, and, wait for it, trail mix from helpful fans. Hopefully, the donated snack fuel will help players finish games with more staying power. Last year's team was 3-9 overall, and a woeful 1-7 in the WAC. And that was back when the football team could afford snacks! Is this the sign of the college football apocalypse? I think so. But it doesn't have to be a lasting sign. We at FanHouse can also help the football team save money. Here's how.

As a preliminary point, more ridicule. I understand that tough times call for tough measures, but how much money can snacks really cost the football team? $30,000 a year, maybe? Maybe. So they only have to eliminate 50 other identical spending issues and the budget issue is fixed. This is the rough equivalent of a family deciding they're going to make the mortgage payment from now on by cutting out toilet paper.

And so, they've made the program look ridiculous.

You don't think a coach recruiting against New Mexico State might mention this, do you?

Coach: "Aw sure, you can head out to New Mexico State. But, lemme tell you something, they can't even afford to feed their players. They got fans giving them snacks." I can see a mother shaking her head right now, "Child, please," she'll say, "You're not going to be an Aggie. They can't even feed you."

And she'll be right.

Not to mention, do I even need to say it, you're trusting random fans to feed your football team. In this day and age when some people are completely crazy, is this really smart? Granted the result could be funny -- After all, how long could it be until a fraternity at New Mexico puts the pledge class up to loading snacks with ex-lax and delivering it to the Aggies? -- but it could also be scary. What if a crazy fan put something dangerous in the food? What if someone made pot brownies and the entire team violated the next drug testing? (This would be a convenient excuse for some guys.) It's just a dumb decision, one that doesn't even sound good in theory. This will now end the part of the column where I spend 15 seconds demonstrating why New Mexico State officials are idiots.

After all, I don't want to give the impression that I'm not sympathetic to the plight faced by the team. A life without snacks? What is this, Red China? Russia in the midst of the German invasion? Plainly, a football player divided from his snacks cannot stand.

Or tackle.

So here are nine other revenue saving measures that New Mexico State can adopt to tighten up the finances without requiring fans to provide snacks.

1. Make shoulder pads out of recycled Coke cans.

Lots of schools get pennies back on their soda dollars. Why not get shoulder pads instead? Sure, the pads would be brittle and break. But then when New Mexico State's quarterback gets sacked for the 19th time at Ohio State, he can have a legitimate excuse not to come back in.

2. Bring back Pistol Pete and auction off his pistol advertisement to the NRA or a gun manufacturer.

Proving that they are as adept at mascot imagery as they are at snack-wrangling, New Mexico State introduced a sideline mascot named Pistol Pete. Only a few years later they replaced his pistol with a lasso. And changed Pistol Pete's name to simply ... Pete.

3. Give up football and focus on men's basketball.

New Mexico state has had four winning seasons in the past 40 years. During that time they've won a single conference title, in 1978.

What would really be missing?

4. Based on my strong knowledge of Spanish, I believe Las Cruces is Spanish for "The Crosses."

The city's name owes its history to Roman times. While he was still hanging on the cross, Jesus was asked where he would least like to return to life.

"Las Cruces, New Mexico," He said.

Leading to a great fundraising idea. We already have Jump Rope for Heart. I bring you the newest fundraising craze: Who Can Carry a Cross the Longest in a New Mexico Desert?

5. Current Aggie fight song:

"Aggies, oh Aggies
We'll win this game or know the reason why!
And when we win this game
We'll buy a keg of booze"

Revised Aggie fight song:

"Aggies, oh Aggies
We'll win this game or know the reason why!
And when we win this game
We'll buy a keg of <insert beer sponsor name here>

http://xml.channel.aol.com/xmlpublisher/fetch.v2.xml?option=expand_relative_urls&dataUrlNodes=uiConfig,feedConfig,localizationConfig,entry&id=515420&pid=515419&uts=1250519827
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Latest College Football Photos
Louisville's Lincoln Carr, front, puts down a board to get ammo across without touching the yellow parts of the course during an Army leadership development exercise Sunday, Aug. 16, 2009, at Fort Knox, Ky. (AP Photo/Patti Longmire)
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Latest College Football Images

    Louisville's Lincoln Carr, front, puts down a board to get ammo across without touching the yellow parts of the course during an Army leadership development exercise Sunday, Aug. 16, 2009, at Fort Knox, Ky. (AP Photo/Patti Longmire)

    AP

    Louisville's Lincoln Carr, front, puts down a board to get ammo across without touching the yellow parts of the course during an Army leadership development exercise for the Louisville football team Sunday, Aug. 16, 2009, at Fort Knox, Ky. (AP Photo/Patti Longmire)

    AP

    Louisville football players Victor Anderson, back, and Anthony Conner try to get the dummy across the obstacle during a leadership development course at Fort Knox, Ky., Sunday, Aug. 16, 2009. (AP Photo/Patti Longmire)

    AP

    Louisville football players Daniel Brown, front, and Andrew Robinson try to get a dummy across an obstacle course called "Cate's Culvert" during a leadership development course Sunday, Aug. 16, 2009, at Fort Knox, Ky. (AP Photo/Patti Longmire)

    AP

    Staff Sgt. Dennis Kovalchick, center, gives instructions to the Louisville football team before a relay race course Sunday, Aug. 16, 2009, at Fort Knox army base in Kentucky. Members of the Louisville football team took part in an Army leadership development course. (AP Photo/Patti Longmire)

    AP

    Staff Sgt. Dennis Kovalchick, center, gives instructions to the Louisville football team before a relay race course Sunday, Aug. 16, 2009, at Ft. Knox Army Base in Kentucky. Members of the Louisville football team took part in an Army leadership development course. (AP Photo/Patti Longmire)

    AP

    Staff Sgt. Dennis Kovalchick, center, gives instructions to the Louisville football team before a relay race course Sunday, Aug. 16, 2009, at Ft. Knox Army Base in Kentucky. (AP Photo/Patti Longmire)

    AP

    Boston College quarterback David Shinskie, center, takes part in practice during NCAA college football media day, Friday, Aug. 14, 2009, in Boston. (AP Photo/Michael Dwyer)

    AP

    In this Oct. 25, 2008 photo provided by the University of Miami, Miami Hurricanes football player Chris Hayes (49) hugs his mother Kathie after Miami's win over Wake Forest. Hayes, a walk-on college football player gets word that his father, without warning, has taken his own life. He leaves the team to be at his mother's side for the funeral, is summoned back for game day so he can suit up for the first time, gets lost on the way to the stadium, is sent onto the field for the final play and is carried off atop his teammates' shoulders. (AP Photo/University of Miami, JC Ridley)

    AP

    Photo provided by University of Miami, shows Miami football player Chris Hayes (49) is carried off the field after the Hurricanes defeated Wake Forest Oct. 25, 2008 in Coral Gables, Fla. The low point in Hayes' life came on the previous Monday, when he got the phone call that his dad had committed suicide. The high point of this Miami walk-on's life came five days later when his team carried off the field. (AP Photo/University of Miami, JC Ridley)

    AP



6. Replace football coaches with chemical engineering professors.

Wait, this already happened in 2008?

Per Wikipedia: "The former quarterback Charley Johnson, who was then a chemial engineering professor at New Mexico State, was appointed as interim head coach during the search for a replacement."

7. Auction off the Aggies nickname to a corporation.

The only thing lamer than one school being nicknamed the Aggies is more than one school being nicknamed the Aggies.

Do you see how awesome this nickname is? It's short for agriculture! And agriculture is the 14 billionth coolest word in the English language. Right between photosynthesis and caterwaul.

What's even worse than this? Your top rival, New Mexico, is the lobos, which is perhaps the coolest nickname on the planet.

8. In a surprise move, double the recruiting budget for football. Emblazoned at the top of the page on all recruiting literature will be this phrase, "New Mexico State: We are actually in America."

Beneath that in smaller print, "You can drink the water (but you have to bring your own snacks)!"

9. Bring back Nazi POWs and have them work on farms growing snacks for the football team.

Some people have forgotten that Las Cruces put Nazi POWs to work on farms during World War II. Why did they ever allow these people to leave? The absolute least they could do for, after causing the death of tens of millions of people, is provide snacks for a hungry WAC football team.

10. New Mexico State plays at Ohio State on Halloween.

So the Aggies are already auctioning off football games to help fill the athletic department coffers.

Talk about two programs passing in the night. I think Ohio State football owns Nabisco and Kellogg. Meanwhile, the Aggies are begging their fans for half-eaten packages of wheat thins.

If every Ohio State student doesn't come dressed as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or other snack food, I've lost even more respect for Ohio State.

New Mexico State Introduces Snack Attack Offense originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 17 Aug 2009 19:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisMon, 17 Aug 2009 19:30:00 EST SEC's New Fan and Media Policy Provokes Confusion, Outragehttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/11/secs-new-fan-and-media-policy-provokes-confusion-outrage/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/11/secs-new-fan-and-media-policy-provokes-confusion-outrage/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/11/secs-new-fan-and-media-policy-provokes-confusion-outrage/#commentsFiled under: , ,

The SEC should employ an intelligent 16-year-old girl and give her this title: New Media Tsarina. Anything they contemplate doing, should have to cross her pink desk first, because she clearly understands the new media landscape better than the old men at the SEC. How else to explain the consternation, hand-wringing and anger that has surfaced since the SEC's new media policy was released last week? After only a few days, the SEC has announced they will "tweak" the new policy. That tweaking is the result of a complaints from many members of the media.

From a legal, media and fan perspective, the policy is short-sighted, inefficient, out of touch with new media, and, for the most part unlikely to be very effective. If you want to follow along, here's the policy.

So what does the new policy actually do?

At its most basic level, it seeks to better control content, that is SEC sports games and the events surrounding them, press conferences and the like. The new media policy seeks to do so by limiting all sports highlights to a 72-hour window after the game is over (with convenient exemptions built in for broadcast partners like ESPN and CBS), restricting the airing of pre- and post-game press conferences, and limiting fans and media from uploading content onto sites such as YouTube. So, instead of going to YouTube and being able to find footage of your favorite player or game, you'll be rotated through the respective school sites, or a central warehouse where, for a fee, you can watch these highlights.

If you think you shouldn't care, that this is only a media squabble between rights holders over who gets the bigger sack of money, you're wrong. Under the new policy fans are theoretically liable for tweeting, updating their Facebook pages, or posting photographs from inside a stadium.

Does this make sense?

Not really. Not at all.

Why not?

Because the policy ignores the elephant in the room, that televised games in their entirety provide almost all of the actual value to any sporting product. Here are the five things it's important to take away from the SEC's misguided new policy.

1. The policy is designed to give fewer people control of a product that many want.

Quoth the policy, "No video or audio may be used other than for regularly scheduled newscast aired only by Bearer...within a 72 hour period after the Event, and no film or video clip used for such purposes shall exceed three minutes in length."

By restricting the play of game highlights, SEC media events and the like, the league is drawing a bright line in the red clay: Our national television partners are more important to us than the regional media. To hell with the guys who follow us through thick and thin, who show up in March to cover the ground-breaking of our new facilities. Come gametime, we're paving the way for the fly-by media, the big national guys who touch down in our fair cities for hours a year and bring the games to the nation. They're the ones we truly care about.

The SEC is becoming the first college to adopt the stringent content provisions chosen by Major League Baseball. It's why you can find comparatively few baseball highlights on YouTube. Only, and this is key, the SEC is not a professional sports league...yet.

Also -- and this is key -- how much money is the SEC possibly going to net from their digital rights package? Online properties represent a fraction of the television market. Pennies, if they're lucky, on the dollar. The SEC is alienating the people who make their television product worth billions of dollars so they can net a few million more a year for highlights. This is beyond nonsensical. It's restrictive, monopolistic, and just plain wrong.

2. Conferences do not understand how the Internet works.

Quoth the policy: "No Bearer may produce or disseminate in any form a 'real-time' description or transmission of the Event. Periodic updates of scores, statistics, or other brief descriptions of the competition or event throughout the Event are acceptable. Bearer agrees that the determination of whether a blog is a real-time description or transmission shall be made by the SEC in its sole discretion."

Got that?

These are things that may not be allowed in a press box: live blogging, e-mailing, tweeting, talking on the radio, text messaging someone, updating your Facebook status. These are things that may be allowed in a press box: live blogging, e-mailing, tweeting, talking on the radio, text messaging someone, updating your Facebook status.

The fact that someone with a law degree (maybe?) drafted this language is a sure sign of old white man cluelessness. Either that or a sign that the client, in this case the SEC, has no idea what they're trying to instruct the lawyer to do. I'm inclined to guess the latter, if only to protect a fellow lawyer from malpractice.

This policy gives zero direction to media or to those enforced with policing it. The policy relies upon the determination of what a "real-time" description or transmission of the event actually is. As if that weren't bad enough, they put "real-time" in quotes. So does "real-time" even mean real-time or is at euphemism for something else? No one knows. Potter Stewart said he knew obscenity when he saw it. Now you're relying on ancient sports information directors at SEC schools, men who likely still distrust cordless telephones, to know "real-time" when they see it? Honestly, this paragraph is so dumb it makes my head hurt. Live I've just eaten cold ice cream on a 95 degree day.

As you can see, the language is guilty of the most fundamental flaw of contract law, it gives no direction whatsoever. Worse, it doesn't really understand the issue at hand. Namely, there isn't one single person on Earth who chooses to consume an SEC sporting event through Twitter, Facebook, e-mail, radio update, or text message if they could actually watch the game. These are all supplements to the actual game. Herschel Walker could be the greatest tweeter on Earth, and no Georgia fan is choosing to turn off the television so they can get 140 character updates like this every nine minutes during the Florida game:

"Hotdogs in press box are gr8. #Georgia needs to run the ball more."

Can you imagine the homicides in the South that would ensue if we had to follow a football game through social media? And only social media?

Fans want to watch the game on television. Period. If they consume the game in any other fashion, they're doing it as a supplement to the televised game or because they have zero other options, like they're buried alive in a coffin yet still able to receive BlackBerry signal. Let me reiterate in the screeching voice of a 16-year-old-girl:

"Like, none of these things matter that much!"

3. It's easier to cover a game from your couch than from the press box.

Which brings me to this, the regulations permit the vast majority of the public, those that aren't at the game as part of the crowd or the media, to do as they see fit. Facebook update, live blog, tweet, send e-mails and text messages, talk on the radio. You can do all this with impunity from outside the stadium.

So this policy is designed to impact only the most diehard of fans, the small minority of the game-consumers who actually watch the game in an antiquated fashion -- in person. How stupid is this? What's more, in an age when old-forms of media are under assault, this policy would actually mean that you could better write about the game without actually going to the game.

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4. Ticket-bearing fans are included!

"No Bearer may produce or disseminate (or aid in producing or disseminating) any material or information about the Event, including, but not limited to, any account, description, picture, video, audio, reproduction or other information concerning the Event, other than in speech that cannot be restricted under the First Amendment, in any form."

Again, the stupidity of this phrase makes me wonder if the SEC actually has lawyers. There's a long list of restrictions and then the pesky First Amendment is tossed in there near the end. "Other than in speech that cannot be restricted under the First Amendment" is kind of a key phrase. Again, I have to ask, did any lawyer touch this? It sounds like the throwaway line of a bad Government AP Exam when the student has no idea what the First Amendment actually is.

That or really bad hate mail: "One day I'm going to kill you, unless that's illegal."

Message boards and talk radio are alive with indignation because many fans have read this and believe that the SEC is going to keep them from text messaging, posting photos from games on Facebook, tweeting, e-mailing, or even, God forbid, calling someone from the game.

And if you construe the language broadly the SEC is arguing that they have this right. But here's the deal, how are they going to enforce the policy? If I send a message from my seat in the stadium, how do they know where it's coming from? I could be anywhere. At home. In my car.

Unless, that is, I tell them. Which I will. Right here and now. My name is Clay Travis and I will be sitting inside your stadiums this fall. And I'm going to write about it. In real-time. From the stands. On social media platforms. Charge me with violating this policy and let's see who wins.

I will.

Why?

Because of that pesky First Amendment.

5. The SEC is forgetting who the greatest evangelizers for SEC football are, the fans.

The value of SEC fans' loyalty far exceeds the value of any contract for any amount of money. The SEC should keep that in mind as they seek to tap new markets and wrest every last cent from the consumer. In fact, here's what they should do right now to pay penance for their stupidity: They should announce that every game highlight will be free online for the next five years. What's more, they should announce that they are in the process of putting together the greatest collection of SEC highlights from the past 70 years that has ever existed. Many never before seen. That they will upload this content online in conjunction with the schools, and that any fan of any age will be able to easily search for video highlights of their favorite players, teams, and games.

You should be able to type in any name and any game and find the play that you remember from way back when you were a child or from last week. That footage should be easily embeddable on Facebook, blog software, and other forms of social media.

Why?

Not just because it's the right thing for the SEC to do by its fans, but because distributing their highlight content evangelizes a new generation of fans, and solidifies the fandom of current generations. Find a regional sponsor for that website and build it up through their advertising dollars. It makes no sense to allow everyone to see the plays once and then build walls to keep them from being seen again.

If you need any help with implementing this policy, do us all a favor and ask any 16-year-old girl in America how it should work. They'll be better at it than you are.

SEC's New Fan and Media Policy Provokes Confusion, Outrage originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 11 Aug 2009 21:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisTue, 11 Aug 2009 21:30:00 EST Florida State Puts a Price on Free Speechhttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/03/florida-state-puts-a-price-on-free-speech/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/03/florida-state-puts-a-price-on-free-speech/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/03/florida-state-puts-a-price-on-free-speech/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Much like the general direction of our government, there seems to be a hefty price tag on the basics nowadays. Take for example, Florida State University's athletic department which is auctioning off a chance to participate in its football Media Day. No need to cry socialism, as this sucker is free market at its finest with the highest bidder taking home the prize.

Normally the price for such access would be zero beyond the basic press credential, but since most of us can't just walk in off the street credentialed, the program is taking advantage of the manufactured scarcity. Equally ominous is the advertisement that this is a 'once-in-a-lifetime opportunity'. Why just once? What exactly are they trying to say?

The above is dripping with sarcasm, lest anyone begin to actually fret about this or FSU's perception about the health and/or coaching longevity of coach Bobby Bowden. The devil's in the details and the Media Day access comes with fan-friendly perks such as a photo opportunity with Bowden, on-field access during the team photo, a Florida State football for autographs and early admission to their "FSU Football Fan Day" event.

So while the professionals are grinding it out there with their notepads, recorders, cameras and video cameras, one lucky fan and companion get to skip all that and simply sit in on the proceedings.

So bid away, ye merry fanboys, the working media may scoff at your dreams (while they glumly live them), but they can never take away your paid freedom! Current high bid? $420.

Florida State Puts a Price on Free Speech originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:20:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Bobby BowdenBrian GrummellMon, 03 Aug 2009 20:20:00 EST Is a Feeling of Ole Miss-ery Already Creeping In for Rebel Faithful?http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/03/is-a-feeling-of-ole-miss-ery-is-already-creeping-in-for-rebel-fa/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/03/is-a-feeling-of-ole-miss-ery-is-already-creeping-in-for-rebel-fa/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/08/03/is-a-feeling-of-ole-miss-ery-is-already-creeping-in-for-rebel-fa/#commentsFiled under: , , ,

Ole Miss fansI know how you feel Ole Miss fans. I know what it's like to clutch a preseason magazine close to your chest and inhale the paper and ink slowly, get high off the football season anticipation. "Athlon has us No. 10 in the country!" you might say. It's a giddy feeling, enrapturing even. Like being told you can go home with any sorority girl of your choosing in the Grove. Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty, Ole Miss is a legitimate contender for the national title!

Except, and Rebel fans know exactly what I'm talking about, in the back of your mind you really can't believe your good fortune.

The Greg Hardy and Dexter McCluster car fire? You expected it. The Jamar Hornsby dismissal? You knew it was inevitable. Jevan Snead tripping and falling into an open culvert on campus, being rescued after a vigil on national television, and breaking his throwing arm in the process? Easy, easy, that hasn't happened. But if it did, you'd have expected it, right?

Dickens began A Tale Of Two Cities with these words, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ..." (You may not remember that because the Cliff Notes didn't begin that way) It takes a gaudy preseason ranking for a perennial doormat to make those words ring true for a sports fan.

Peril lurks around every date on the calendar. Remember when you were a kid and Christmas never seemed like it would get here. You wanted a Miss Elizabeth wrestling figure and a Dukes of Hazzard big wheel more than life itself and, yet, even as Christmas neared, you were terrified you might not get either. Each day heralded the sweet suspense of uncertainty. You'd toss down a calendar date and stare at the square, delicious anticipation -- we're going to win them all -- mixed with delirious dread -- State's going to take our egg!

Right now Ole Miss fans are 35 days from the start of the season and each day is a feather to the bottom of their feet, the tickle of temptation, the agony of being tortured with pleasure.

Why does it matter so much to the Rebels to be ranked so highly?

Consider: Ole Miss is the only SEC West team never to advance to Atlanta. Ole Miss has not won an SEC title since, wait for it, 1963. Since then? The best they could do was change the speed limit on campus to 18 miles an hour in honor of a signal caller who couldn't quite get them a championship. Guy by the name of Manning, Archie. You may know his sons.

Since 1970, they've been to just 15 bowl games. That's a little better than one every three years. They've never won more than 10 games in a season. Ever.

And now they're supposed to make the leap and win 10 in the regular season? I say 10 in the regular season because that's what it would take, 6-2, minimum in the SEC West. Yep, the Rebels are at a place where a 9-3 regular season is a disappointment.

These are truly the times that try a fan's soul.

Trust me, I know.

How?

Because back in 2005-2006 my alma mater, George Washington, was set for the greatest basketball season in the history of the program. Ultimately, the Colonials went 26-1 in the regular season, rose to No. 6 in the country. For anyone who has ever been to a GW basketball game, this should have been the height of fan ecstasy.

But it wasn't.

Why?

Because I wanted more. I was greedy. And in the process I couldn't enjoy a good season because I kept demanding a great one. Ole Miss fans are in a similar position as summer wanes and fall advances. That's why I can tell you the eight stages that encapsulate their fan state of mind.

1. The Calendar Stare

Raise your hand if you're an Ole Miss fan and you haven't debated the danger of opening on a Sunday in Memphis. Every single Rebel fan has their hand raised right now. At least those with computer access.

You've found yourself waking up in the middle of the night thinking, "By God, if Memphis beats us the first game of the season, I will burn down Graceland with a bottle of 151 and a Zippo."

And you're not even joking.

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University of Southern California head coach Pete Carroll speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)
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    University of Southern California head coach Pete Carroll speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    University of Southern California free safety Taylor Mays speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    Oregon State's head coach Mike Riley, speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    University of Oregon corner back Walter Thurmond III, speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    University of California tailback, Jahvid Best looks at media during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    Oregon State tailback Keaton Kristick speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009.(AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    University of Oregon head coach Chip Kelly speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    Arizona State outside linebacker, Mike Nixon speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    University of California head coach Jeff Tedford speaks during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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    University of Arizona head coach Mike Stoops, left, presents safety, Cam Nelson during a news conference at the Pac-10 football media day in Los Angeles, Thursday, July 30, 2009. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)

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2. The Hand-Shaking Schedule Review

When your team is supposed to be good, paradoxically, every team on the schedule looks like a football leviathan. I mean that, every single team. The stakes are too high in college football. Where once you felt comfortable skimming across the schedule and penciling in six or seven likely wins, now your hand shakes when you hold the pencil above the schedule.

Southeast Louisiana Sept. 19? Crap, that's off a bye week and sandwiched before a revenge game at South Carolina. Will the guys be ready?

At Vanderbilt? They beat us last year. And this year it's on the road.

3. Reflections on Failures From Yesteryear

Remember when Eli Manning got stepped on dropping back from center to effectively end the LSU game in 2003? That year, that magical year when if Ole Miss could have managed four more points they would have played Georgia in the SEC Championship Game, was so agonizingly close.

The poignancy of an almost victory somehow becomes even more poignant as a season of promise nears. It's almost as if you have to dose yourself with painful moments from your fan reality to quench the building optimism.

Yep, 2009 could be a perfect season, but it could also be the year when our quarterback gets tripped by his own lineman on fourth down.

Again.

4. The Rival Hate Surges

As your national profile increases, the hate for your provincial rivals, amazingly, soars to a new height. They hate you more for being uppity and you hate them more for making you play them when they have nothing to add to your lofty status.

I've already mentioned burning Graceland. But what if, God forbid, the Rebels roll into Starkville and just need one more win to advance to Atlanta for the first time. That's Starkville, where they still call escalators, magic stairs.

There they are, standing at the top of the magic stairs with their cowbells, the Mississippi State F'in Bulldogs.

It's one thing to lose to a rival when you're both awful or mediocre. But to lose when you're good and they're awful? When they have nothing to gain but ruining your perfect season? It doesn't get any worse in a rivalry, the asymmetry of disparate rivalry outcomes for Ole Miss: ruination on the one hand, mere survival on the other.

5. Expectations of Failure Conflict With Soaring Optimism

You're bipolar. One moment you're convinced that your team is destined for a 7-5 season. The next, that 11-1, or be still my fluttering heart, 12-0 is a very likely outcome. You vacillate between these extremes much to the amusement of casual fans or those that, blasphemy, don't really care that much at all.

In your heart of hearts, you're a brooding Quentin Compson staring over the bridge at the Cambridge fish below. Uncertain whether to jump or strike up a parade.

6. You Hate the Media

Either they're hyping your team or disrespecting your team. There's no middle ground. And don't be mistaken about this, the media has their own agenda. They're all agents working to screw up your players' heads. Get them all starry-eyed with optimism so that they can't focus a week at a time. And if they aren't doing that? Well, they're all about tearing y'all down, killing the confidence that came from a robust finish.

How else to explain the third place vote at SEC Media Days? Not even third in the SEC, third in the SEC West!

The nerve, those bastards.

7. Arguments Ensue With Your Wife Over Road Trips You Normally Wouldn't Take

Suddenly, you absolutely have to be in Columbia, S.C., Sept. 24. It doesn't matter that Sept. 24 is a Thursday night or that Columbia is over 550 miles away. In order to get there from Oxford and not miss three days of work, you have to pay $2,000 and make 15 different flight connections. Somehow you have a three-hour lay-over in Ames, Iowa.

Your job? It doesn't matter. Your family? They don't matter.

This is your team. And this is their year. They might never be this good again for the rest of your life.

Even if this is true, your wife won't believe you. (Although some wife's will, this is why the Grove is heaven on earth.)

8. You Can't Enjoy Any of It

In the Grove they like to say that they may have lost a football game, but they've never lost a party. An attitude like this explains why the first Tennessee game I planned this season was the UT-Ole Miss game Nov. 14th in Oxford.

I truly love Oxford: the people, the bookstores (Square Books is amazing), the food, the drinks, the women in sundresses. Life doesn't get much better.

But if you're an Ole Miss fan, all of this is, suddenly, secondary. Your team has to win and you don't care if the games have all the flavor of Sunday night fishing in Moldova. And damn all the people who have the nerve to grin and laugh and have a good time with a game coming up.

In the end, I'd say to calm down and enjoy the ride. But you'd just ignore me anyway.

After all, Ole Miss is thirty-five days from beginning their first march to Atlanta.

Or not.

Gosh Almighty, indeed.

Is a Feeling of Ole Miss-ery Already Creeping In for Rebel Faithful? originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 03 Aug 2009 19:45:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisMon, 03 Aug 2009 19:45:00 EST Renaming the BCS: Time for Votinghttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/07/30/renaming-the-bcs-time-for-voting/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/07/30/renaming-the-bcs-time-for-voting/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/07/30/renaming-the-bcs-time-for-voting/#commentsFiled under: ,

BCS coaches' trophyTwo weeks ago, I issued a call to rename the BCS. Your nominations arrived via e-mail, Facebook, and carrier pigeons. You'll recall that the renaming idea came after we uncovered the fact that the BCS doesn't actually exist as a legal entity. So we decided to give the non-existent entity a name.

Now, after several days sifting through the nominations, we're ready to put the contest to a vote. We've collected 10 finalists below. Read each, then cast your vote to determine what we'll call the BCS for the 2009 year.
As you'll see below the six chosen nominations (to be paired with my four selections from the original column) ran the gamut from cartoons to physics, history to personal-care products. Without further ado, here are our 10 nominations along with the gentleman's name and first initial (to protect them from aggressive Googling) who gave us those nominations.

1. Smurf

Matt B. writes:

"In the old cartoon, the word 'Smurf' was frequently substituted for common words in the dialogue. You hear the term during the show and know what they mean to say, but it just doesn't quite sound right. 'Wow, Smurfette, these blueberry Smurfins are Smurfilicious!!' To me, the BCS is like the word 'Smurf,' a substitute. In this case, it's a substitute for a real championship. You hear the term and know they mean a national championship, but, alas, it just doesn't feel right.

2. KY Series
Ronnie L. writes:

"How about the KY Series, because somebody always gets screwed? I'm an Auburn grad, so I speak from experience. There might be some copyright issues that have to be worked out, so maybe they can just sponsor it at first and then take over the name totally after a couple of years; kinda like when the Chik-fil-A Peach Bowl became just the Chik-fil-A bowl."

3. AntiMatter

Clint B. explains:

"There is considerable speculation as to why the observable universe is apparently almost entirely matter, whether there exist other places that are almost entirely antimatter instead, and what might be possible if antimatter could be harnessed, but at this time the apparent asymmetry of matter and antimatter in the visible universe is one of the greatest unsolved problems in physics. Not unlike the BCS system we currently adhere to.

4. MAG (Mythical Argument Generator)

John R. writes:

"MAG=Mythical Argument Generator. It really is the only saving grace of the BCS. That and the million shots of the band when we could be looking at a replay of something important that just happened."

5. "The McClellan"

Roger F. writes:

General George McClellan"Like General George Brinton McClellan in the Civil War, the BCS amasses great amounts of men and material to convince you that it should be capable of overwhelming victory, yet when the actual moment of truth arrives, aka the battle or the selection, they pull a McClellan and wuss out, leaving us all ashamed that we ever believed in them.

In conjunction with your love for Civil War history, I'd just suggest, "McClellan." (Also because the first c is lowercase.)"

6. BNGID

Brad F. writes:

"A takeoff on the mythical Beard Getting It Done (BGID), now we get BCS Not Getting it Done. BNGID. Granted it conflicts a bit with GNGID (goatee not getting it done), but I like the awkward symmetry."

7. The Null Set: Ø

In ninth grade geometry, we once had a teacher give a geometry test where null set was the answer for five consecutive questions. You talk about a war of wills, a diabolical form of instruction if there ever was one. Making someone believe that a teacher would design five consecutive questions with the null set as an answer was like being the only boy in a pink shirt one day. Not that I would know anything about that.

Not one single person in the class was willing to pick null set all five times. Later, she cackled at us when she revealed her duplicity. (The next year she left teaching. I like to think she now works in a yearbook factory gluing the back page to the cardboard all day long.)

I'm no mathematical expert, but the final BCS equation that determines who plays for the championship always makes me think of the null set

8. B+S

I like the simplicity of this redesign. It's sleek, modern, and it removes the C that stands for Championship. It also sums up the BCS in a more cogent fashion by commingling it with cow dung.

9. Lorenzo WhiteLorenzo White

True fans of Tecmo Super Bowl will know that Houston Oiler Lorenzo White was the worst starting running back in the game. He was awful. In fact, continuing the analogy, if college football, the greatest sport on earth is the sports' equivalent of Tecmo Super Bowl, the greatest video game ever, then one might even deduce that Lorenzo White, the worst starting running back of the game, was the BCS of Tecmo Super Bowl.

See, it works.

10. CUBA!

The only thing in the Western Hemisphere less American than the BCS is Cuba. But to Cuba's credit Raul Castro has been faster to modernize during his tenure than the BCS has been.

In terms of the new name, you merely add one letter and an exclamation point. So you don't lose much in terms of shortness. But you gain so much in spelling out how un-American our selection of a college football "champ" actually is.

Those are the 10. Cast your vote in the poll above. To the winner? A prize to be named later.

Renaming the BCS: Time for Voting originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 30 Jul 2009 12:40:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisThu, 30 Jul 2009 12:40:00 EST Party On, Football Schoolshttp://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/07/29/party-on-football-schools/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/07/29/party-on-football-schools/http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/07/29/party-on-football-schools/#commentsFiled under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Florida fans celebratingPenn State garnered top party school honors this year in the annual Princeton Review's ranking of top party schools. The top 20 schools are listed, and as I wistfully scanned the list and daydreamed about a time when all I had to worry about was whether the kegs would make it through the night or whether we'd have to scramble for more cases of Natty Light, I came to a startling conclusion: It's almost as if major college football and partying go together.

Shocking, no?

So in honor of college football's apparent impact on the most important ranking this side of the Harris Interactive Poll, let's run through the 20 party scenes -- including one college you've never heard of, ClayNation style.

1. Penn State

People have already started drinking in Happy Valley because they think it will make their arguments better as to why an undefeated Penn State team should get to play Texas over a one-loss Florida team.

2. Florida

I've had a lot of fun with Gator girls and their bingo wings. But the school knows how to party. Except on football Saturdays when the cops turn into fascists and will arrest you for having an open container on University Boulevard.

And if you get arrested you have to spend the night in jail. Talk about a kick in the ass. This is definitely going to happen to several SEC fans this fall. They're going to roll into Gainesville, get put in jail, and listen on the radio as their team loses by 50.

Come to think of it, I just hope this doesn't happen to me.

3. Ole Miss

Anyone who has ever been to Ole Miss is jealous that they aren't on Ole Miss's campus right now. Even at this exact moment when it's 438 degrees in the Delta and all the coeds have decided to spend the day drinking by the pool in their bikinis ... I can't go on.

I'm already plotting my trip to Oxford this November. This is something you have to do since there are only 14 hotel rooms in the entire Oxford area. So we're compromising by staying in a Tunica casino. Basically I'm trying to lump all my sinning into the same weekend.

How wild is it at Ole Miss? They have raves at the library.

4. Georgia

I've called Athens the Cleavage Capital of the South and suggested that the tagline for the city should be, simply, Athens: Where Boobs Are Fun.

I don't know how any football recruit in the country visits Athens on a weekend and ends up going to another school.

Honestly.

It's that much fun.

Now imagine if Bulldawg undergrads could drink for enjoyment instead of to dull the pain of another collapse by the Georgia defense under Willie Martinez.

5. Ohio University

Long overshadowed by their neighbors in Columbus, the Bobcats of Ohio toil in comparative oblivion in the MAC. Which explains why they party so hard.

If you drink enough you can almost convince yourself that you're a student at Ohio State.

6. West Virginia

The Deadwood of college campuses. Remember how Yoo fed all of Swearingen's victims to pigs? At West Virginia they do this if you can't finish an entire bottle of Maker's Mark before a football game.

WVU: "We put the riot in party."

7. Texas

Austin is purportedly the greatest city in America that doesn't lie on either coast. I don't know, I've never been. But I have seen the girls in those chaps and orange shorts on the sideline of games. Which does enough for me.

If Texas and Florida end up playing in the BCS title game this fall, doesn't this just seem unfair? How much better does any college kid's life at Florida or Texas deserve to be? It's warm all year round, your teams never lose, and both teams are going undefeated?

8. Wisconsin

True story, one of alcohol's many great powers is that it makes you feel less cold. That's important in a place like Madison, Wis.

Second true story, if your parents want to buy you a beer in a Wisconsin bar, you're allowed to consume it with them. Even if you're 11 or 12.

It's such a surprise that kids raised like that end up liking to party in college.

9. Florida State

Remember when the cameras panned to the crowd and landed on Jenn Sterger wearing a bikini in the student section? And even Brent Musberger, Brent Musberger!, couldn't avoid commenting on her. That's what life is like in Tallahassee. All those girls who don't have good enough test scores to get into UF anymore, yeah, they're here.

10. University of California-Santa Barbara

Have you ever been to Santa Barbara? You can't live in the city for less than a million dollars. It's probably the last place on earth where you need to dull the pain of college with alcohol. You live in paradise and you're in college. The people are so good looking in this town, and this is true, that when you apply for a job as a waiter, most restaurants ask if you have a head shot.

How much better can your life get?

Can I re-enroll and major in PE?

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11. Colorado

Boulder is kind of like utopia. Everyone is rich, everyone is nice, and everyone parties all the time. So what if their athletic teams always lose. Your life ends up pretty nice anyway.

Now if only LenDale White hadn't gotten away to USC ...

12. Iowa

Iowa is another state I don't know much about. I've never been. I get the impression that everyone drinks here because they wish they were somewhere else.

Also, they always have white wide receivers. Iowa seems to breed fast white boys. I don't know why.

On the positive side, the state's unemployment rate is one of the lowest in the nation. Maybe everyone's drinking to celebrate ... and to create more jobs for people who pick vomit out of things.

13. Union College

Old fraternity training teaches me that the first fraternities in America came from Union College. Our first school that doesn't have major athletic programs. Outside of UC-Santa-Barbara. Let's be honest, 95 percent of the drinking associated with this school is based on how much fun it is to attempt to pronounce Schenectady after six beers in an hour.

You try.

It's impossible.

14. Indiana

You'd drink if you had to put up with the Kelvin Sampson era as well. Point of demarcation here, this represents the first BCS-level basketball-first school to make the list.

Either that or Indiana football fans (don't those three words together make your skin crawl with discomfort to read?) are dulling the pain of the early fall by whiling away their time ignoring the team.

15. DePauw

Several of my friends went to DePauw which is not to be confused with DePaul in Chicago. DePauw is a tiny college in the middle of nowhere Indiana. What do they do for fun?

One of my best friends once walked into his fraternity house to see a fraternity brother who was involved in a sex act while watching ... wait for it ... Major League. It's unbefitting a family Web site like this to go into further detail, but let's just say that, like Pedro Ceranno in a fit of frustration with Jobu, he did it himself.

He, of course, blamed alcohol.

As well he should.

16. Tennessee

Tennessee leads the nation in the number of women who wake up in the morning and think, "Wait, I went home with him?"

Which means if you're looking at colleges and you're male, UT should be on your list.

17. Sewanee: The University of the South

My best man went to this school. About 1,200 kids go to college on top of a mountain surrounded by a 10,000-acre campus. Once I showed up to visit him and found him cutting strips of old dark brown shag carpeting in the front yard outside his dorm room.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Making clothes for the viking party," he said. "Everyone makes their own outfit and you have to wear it there to get inside."

Some girls made Viking bikinis.

Needless to say, the party was awesome beyond words.

18. North Dakota

I don't know a single thing about North Dakota that isn't Mount Rushmore related. And I just Googled Mount Rushmore and found out it's actually in South Dakota.

Who knew? Other than South Dakotans?

19. Tulane

Remember in the wake of hurricane Katrina when everyone worried that Tulane would vanish as a school that anyone wanted to attend?

Wrong.

They buckled down and did what they had to do, kept shutting down the school for Mardi Gras and battening down the hatches for drinking. Good for them.

20. Arizona State

The Daily Show referred to Arizona State as "the Harvard of date rape." That was unfair.

A football player who shall remain nameless informed me that they had to institute a no tanning rule on the quad near campus because there were too many car accidents from drivers ogling the women.

Party On, Football Schools originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Wed, 29 Jul 2009 19:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

 

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]]>Clay TravisWed, 29 Jul 2009 19:00:00 EST