NCAA Football FanHouse

If College Football Teams Were Comedians

Adam Jacobi — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 10:40:00 EST

Filed under: Ohio State Football, Texas Football, Arkansas Football

Intrepid writers have long earched for perfect comparisons for football teams. We've seen Simpsons characters, Arrested Development characters, cars, potato chips, and the granddaddy of them all, rappers. Here, we add another chapter to the canon of contextualization: standup comedians.

Frank Caliendo: UCLA

Your absolute, ultimate, professional pretender. Sure, they're popular, but that's because they're right there in Hollywood. Setting foot on national TV for the sole purpose of getting laughed right back off of it. An uncanny ability to make people sick of them before enjoying them.

Key comparison: HIS COACHNESS SIR RICK NEUHEISEL <3 and Caliendo's impression of John Madden. Lucky they're next to someone who knows what the hell he's talking about--"Thanks, John."

George Carlin: Penn State

Transcendent in the 80s, still outstanding in the 90s, but now the wheels are off the track, and the words most bandied about are "senile," "bitter," and "angry."

Key comparison: George Carlin's voice and Joe Paterno's voice. Somewhere between gravelly and demonic at this point.

[NOTE: Carlin passed away after this portion was written, but there's absolutely zero chance that he would want people dodging jokes about him in the wake of his death.]

Dane Cook: Texas

Undeniably popular, and probably earning it. Probably. Sure, there's an odor of douche to it all (Colt McCoy, get a real name, please), but that comes with popularity these days, right? Right? Whatever, you're just jealous.

Key comparison: Superfinger and Hook'Em salute. Put them together, and it's Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

Jeff Foxworthy: West Virginia

Give them 15 minutes, and they'll paint an even more horrifying picture of rednecks than usual. Bizarrely successful.

Key comparison: "If you celebrate a win by taking your living room outside and setting it on fire..."

Jim Gaffigan: BYU

Whiter than white. That goes for the fanbase, too. Still, lovably competent without any delusions of grandeur.

Key comparison: "He looks like a Mormon. What's wrong with looking like a Mormon??"

Mitch Hedberg: California

Look, when your school features hippies named "Dumpster Muffin" trying to save the trees and urinating on people, you automatically get the highest man that ever walked the earth. Aside from Snoop Dogg.

Key comparison: "When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns" and Marshawn Lynch commandeering the injury cart.

Sam Kinison: Texas A&M

"Different" doesn't begin to describe the level of aberrant behavior on display on a routine basis. And what's with all the yelling? Must they seriously lead in the field of yelling? Oh, the answer is "yes"? Okay then.

Key comparison: That car crash and the Dennis Franchione Era. And that's being kind to Franchione.

Larry the Cable Guy: Arkansas

While they're playing off a reputation for being country as hell, they're actually running an incredibly profitable operation, and that's no accident, despite being only tangentially connected with the concept of quality.

Key comparison: "Soooooeeeeee!" and "Get 'er done." You're getting played, fans. Hard. Don't be giving them money just because they repeat some backward-ass, nonsensical phrase every five minutes.
BONUS! key comparison: Witless Protection and Houston Nutt.

Carlos Mencia: Ohio State

We don't care what their bank account says, anyone with half a brain cell knows they're fake as hell. Every second they spend in a state of popularity and success, another decent American stops believing in a just and loving God. A fan base with a uniformly room-temperature IQ. Someone please, please shut them up.

Key comparison: "Der Dee Der" and "O-H-I-O." I learned how to spell "Ohio" when I was three, and was no longer proud of knowing how when I was four. Just sayin'.

Eddie Murphy: Notre Dame

Despite what their name tells you, they're not exactly 100% Irish. Was on top of the world for an extended period of time, but what exactly have they accomplished in the last, oh, 15 years? They put all their eggs in the "insane obesity" basket, and uh, that may not have been the wisest long-term solution.

Key comparison: Charlie Weis and Nutty Professor/Norbit. Brilliant, guys, just brilliant.

Patton Oswalt: Northwestern

Brilliant? Totally. Ass-ugly? Equally so. Unqualified success and superstardom? Ehhh, not quite. If you're looking for discussion of Star Trek, Dungeons & Dragons, or Magic: The Gathering, this is your jam, man. Just don't expect to impress the ladies when you show up to a party in a t-shirt with their name on it.

Honestly, though, you can't really discuss them without their cohorts. Please, observe:

Brian Posehn: Vanderbilt

Same goes. And let's just go ahead and complete the "Comedians of College Football":

Zach Galifianakis: Stanford

I gave Stanford to Zach for the sweater. That's all.

Key comparison: Look at those guys. Like I'm comparing LSU to any of them. C'mon. Anyway, we have an alphabetical order* to uphold.

Michael Richards: Ole Miss

Look, we all know what that flag's all about, and it ain't tradition or states' rights.

Key comparison: Stanley Spadowski and Archie Manning. Transcendent talent on an otherwise laughable outfit.

Chris Rock: Miami

Unhinged enough to scare just about all the white fans. Not scare them away, mind you, but just keeping them abreast of the fact that there's a strange, scary world out there, and they're best admiring from a safe, large distance.

Key comparison: No Sex in the Champagne Room and The Seventh Floor Crew. Two vastly divergent, if equally candid, views on sexuality and the world as a whole.
BONUS! key comparison: Ray Lewis is totally the Tossed Salad Man.

Sinbad: Oregon

A federal sartorial disaster area. Yeah, keep telling us it's stylish for the era. That won't make you any less of a punchline once ten (err, five) years pass. Just stop embarrassing yourself.

Key comparison: White people run the spread option like this (Leaf, Brady), black people run it like this (Dixon, Dennis).

Carrot Top: Syracuse

Did you know that they were technically successful for a while? Now completely unwatchable. Orange in places where there ought not be orange (WARNING: SFW, BUT NOT ADVISABLE FOR WORK, LUNCH, SANITY). Would best serve humanity by being blasted into space.

Key comparison: Prop comedy and Greg Robinson's offense.

Judy Tenuta: Iowa State

Deriving any pleasure from what they do requires a heavy amount of at least one of the following: cynicism, schadenfreude, mental instability.

Key comparison: Let's just move on.

Ron White: Florida

More urbane than most of the rednecks with whom they're in league, which makes them more likable. Wearing a doo-doo-eatin' sneer awhile they rip off hit after hit. And of course, this is just for the long and beautiful history they've got with the mustache. Rock on. Oh, and for that matter...

Ron White: Illinois

Yessir.

Key comparisons: Shhh. Don't try to put words to it. Let the magic happen.

That's all we've got for right now, and if you've got some ideas, compliments, or complaints, the comment box is right down there. Just rest assured that I am always very right and if you disagree with anything in this article, you are very wrong. Oh, and Arkansas, you're totally getting ripped off, don't even bother voicing disagreement. Sorry.

*I can't decide if "the Alphabetical Order" is more likely to be a villian in the Harry Potter or Da Vinci Code series. Maybe both.

If College Football Teams Were Comedians originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 23 Jun 2008 10:40:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Lousiana-Monroe Is Scamming the NCAA's Attendance Requirements

Brian Cook — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:59:00 EST

Filed under: Arkansas Football, LA Monroe Football

Angry spectator on line one, Mr. Brand.

A few years ago, the NCAA put in an attendance requirement for teams wishing to play Division I-A football. Any program that dipped below an average of 15,000 spectators per game, be they actual or "paid" (ie: fake) spectators, over a two-year period would get the boot.

Despite several schools falling below the prescribed minimums, no one has gotten the axe, and part of that is because of stunts like this:

Louisiana-Monroe, which entered into a five-game agreement with Arkansas in 2003, will be paid $500,000 for a game in Little Rock on Sept. 6. Part of Arkansas' deal with Louisiana-Monroe allows Louisiana-Monroe to be designated as the home team and use the crowd count for its home attendance figures.

Google Maps reveals that Monroe, Louisiana is actually six miles closer to Little Rock than Fayetteville is, so there's not much the NCAA could do about this without kiboshing the ability to count "neutral site" games at which your school has six fans and the other school has sixty thousand entirely.

Which they should do, because what's the point of this rule if you're just going to let teams that are clearly not capable of living up to it skate?

(via the Wiz)

Lousiana-Monroe Is Scamming the NCAA's Attendance Requirements originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:59:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Why Can Taylor Bennett Play but Ryan Mallett Can't?

Brian Cook — Mon, 05 May 2008 13:52:00 EST

Filed under: Georgia Tech Football, Michigan Football, Arkansas Football

This offseason, two quarterbacks found themselves sca-roohed by coaching changes: Michigan's Ryan Mallett and Georgia Tech's Taylor Bennett. Both are square-peg pocket passing battleship types virtually guaranteed starting jobs until a QB-run-mad head coach came in with a bunch of round holes; both said "screw you guys, I'm going home."

But while Mallett has to sit out at Arkansas next year, Bennett has been given the go-ahead to play this fall for Louisiana Tech. Why? How? What? Well, remember that one year the NCAA allowed anyone who'd picked up an undergraduate degree to transfer without penalty?

Yeah, that rule was repealed after coaches complained, but by "repealed" we mean "not repealed." The above-linked article on Bennett:

[Myles] Brand and the NCAA created a workaround. The waiver process Bennett used to be able to play at Louisiana Tech has been used successfully by about 30 Division I athletes since July 1, 2007, NCAA spokesman Erik Christianson told me. That's actually more than took advantage of the graduate student transfer rule in the one year for which it applied.
"For any individual who has legitimate academic reasons to transfer after graduating, we will grant it," Brand said.

Mike Knobler, the author, takes a properly skeptical tone about "legitimate academic reasons," saying there is some "fiction at work here," but is generally approving of the move. And you know what? He's right.

I think the NCAA got this one right, too. Bennett should be able to play out his final year of eligibility. Without the waiver his football career ends on the sideline, watching some freshman get blown up on a triple option. Mallett, on the other hand, doesn't even lose a year since he played as a freshman. He's got an enforced redshirt, then has three more years, just like he would have had at Michigan.

The transfer process works for players who move early in their career, but a sudden change when you're a junior or senior is terribly damaging. And sometimes it can give you hope for a career where there was none. One of those 30 athletes that have gotten waivered through was Michigan safety Ryan Mundy, who no one around the Michigan program was exactly sad to see leave. He jetted to West Virginia for a year, got Barwisized, played well, and was drafted in the sixth round. Without the waiver he would have been cut and likely out of football.

The key distinction between the new NCAA process and the new, player-friendly one:

Whether to grant a waiver is based on "why the student-athlete is transferring, whether the specific graduate degree is offered at the previous institution, and whether the previous institution supports the waiver," Christianson wrote in an e-mail.

Don't want your star cornerback transferring to Florida for no particular reason? Say so. Have no problem with a quarterback who doesn't fit your system finding a place to play? Say so. Everyone wins.

Why Can Taylor Bennett Play but Ryan Mallett Can't? originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 05 May 2008 13:52:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Darren McFadden: 'I Will Not Wear a Dress to the NFL Draft'

Matt Ufford — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 09:55:00 EST

Filed under: NFL Draft, NFL Fans, Arkansas Football

Darren McFadden attended EA Sports' launch party for NCAA Football '09 last night, and the Arkansas standout who will likely be the first running back selected on Saturday took a couple minutes to answer questions about the most pressing subjects a blogger could have on the eve of the NFL draft: the pimped-out Ford Crown Victoria he owns, and his penchant for dressing in drag.

McFadden stated that his first priority after signing his first pro contract will be to take care of his mother and father, but when pressed, he admitted that he may also get some new cars. Although his present ride is a black Escalade, he assured me that he still had the Crown Vic and had no intention of selling it. All is well in the world.

Knowing D-Mac's zest for costumes -- that's him as Fred Flintstone -- I encouraged him to wear a dress to the Draft on Saturday. C'mon! No first-rounder has ever done that before! (Although on Day 2 of the draft, anything goes.) "I don't think so," he chuckled, "I'm trying to take it seriously."

But when will we see him in women's clothing again? "Oh, you know, when the time is right."

Darren McFadden: 'I Will Not Wear a Dress to the NFL Draft' originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 25 Apr 2008 09:55:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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College Eye for the NFL Guy: Felix Jones

Brian Grummell — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:09:00 EST

Filed under: Arkansas Football, NFL Prospects

Whatever you say ... number two!

WHAT NFL SCOUTS ARE SAYING

Pro Football Weekly 2008 NFL Draft Guide

Thinly built and not built to withstand heavy contact or carry the workload. Lacks the strength to run between the tackles and likes to bounce everything outside. Would be most effective in a complementary role alongside a bruiser such as [Darren] McFadden, where Jones could use his speed and quickness to create in space.

PROBABLY GETTING DRAFTED ...

Second round, a slim possibility for the first round if someone really falls in love with him.

GUY WHO WATCHED HIM FOR THREE YEAS IS SAYING

Although Jones will likely end up a complementary runner, it's more than a little premature to write off his chances as a primary back. He played in a power running offense against SEC defenses that knew Jones was coming. Yet he was still productive, even as a true freshman.

Although he bounces outside a lot, he did run a good deal inside with success. He was also more consistently healthy than teammate McFadden.

Jones has a shot to be an everydown back. He's over 200 pounds and has shown some ability to play the inside game in the NFL. His speed will be an obvious asset and he is quite explosive if given a crease.

College Eye for the NFL Guy: Felix Jones originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:09:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Arkansas LB Freddie Fairchild Is No Gentleman

Adam Jacobi — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 19:55:00 EST

Filed under: Iowa Football, Big 10, SEC, Arkansas Football, NCAA FB Police Blotter

It's time for more college football news, and in the month of March, the news is always, always, always bad. It's never like "star quarterback now good at throwing with either hand" or "LaDainian Tomlinson granted extra year of NCAA eligibility"; no, someone's either getting arrested, injured, or thrown into a woodchipper (Kirby Freeman, you will be missed).

The latest participant in the cavalcade of follies is Arkansas linebacker Freddie Fairchild, a sophomore who led the team with 4.5 sacks (NOTE: not a misprint; that's four and one half, or the amount of fingers on a typical West Virginian's hand, and he led the entire team). Unfortunately, Freddie's shenanigans weren't cheeky and fun; his shenanigans were cruel and tragic. He's charged with suspicion of third-degree battery and false imprisonment.

We understand perfectly well that relationships can be contentious and unfulfilling. We know that sometimes, the man is neither the instigator nor the escalator of hostilities. That doesn't change a simple fact: hitting a woman at all is a reprehensible offense in and of itself. Causing "injuries to her head, face, extremities and pelvis" and "not [allowing] her to leave for several hours," then, is beyond the pale.

Incoming Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino has suspended Fairchild indefinitely, though we'd like to see more coaches take the same approach as Iowa's Kirk Ferentz; though his program has seen more criminal mischief than Season 2 of The Sopranos, when tailback Dana Brown was arrested for similar crimes, Brown was immediately dismissed from the program. Fairchild is merely suspended pending a review of whether or not he violated team rules. If domestic abuse isn't against team rules, now might be a good time for an amendment.

Arkansas LB Freddie Fairchild Is No Gentleman originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 25 Mar 2008 19:55:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Ryan Mallett Waiver Request Likely to Be Rejected

Brian Cook — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:16:00 EST

Filed under: Michigan Football, Arkansas Football

Via EDSBS, Tony Barnhardt on Arkansas' request for a waiver that would allow Michigan transfer Ryan Mallett to play this fall:

Former Michigan quarterback Ryan Mallett is asking the NCAA to waive its transfer rule in order to be eligible this season at Arkansas. I reached out to some Arkansas folks and they said they don't know when the ruling will come down. Mallett will not get a waiver.

Assuming Barnhardt's right -- and he has an excellent track record on these things -- like, duh. Allowing Mallett's waiver for no other reason than "I don't like the new coach" would establish open season on any team that changed coaches. And how far would that go? Could you get waiver if your position coach left?

Even if players should be allowed to transfer without penalty in the wake of a coaching change (which I do), there was no way the NCAA is going to make a sweeping change to its rules without going through its usual triple committee square dance. Arkansas fans will have to wait a year before beholding Mallett's glorious ability to fumble the snap twice a game.

Ryan Mallett Waiver Request Likely to Be Rejected originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:16:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Ryan Mallett Enrolls at Arkansas

Tom Fornelli — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 23:56:00 EST

Filed under: Michigan Football, SEC, Arkansas Football

It didn't take Ryan Mallett very long to find a new home after leaving Ann Arbor, and it's a home he nearly found himself in before choosing Michigan. Mallett grew up a fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, attending football camps on the campus during his youth, and now he'll be playing quarterback there as well.

Former five-star quarterback Ryan Mallett has left Michigan and is taking classes at the University of Arkansas today making his transfer official, according to sources close to the situation.

Mallett will redshirt during the 2008 season and then have three years of eligibility remaining.

Obviously with Rich Rodriguez taking over for Lloyd Carr at Michigan, Mallett was the odd man out in the program as he's not the type of quarterback the team will need to run Rich Rodriguez's offense. Considering that there were rumors circulating on campus that Mallett was going to transfer to Arkansas before he ever even stepped foot in Ann Arbor, his decision to go there now is hardly a surprise.

Mallett had hoped to go to Arkansas after he graduated high school, but when the Razorbacks signed Mitch Mustain during his senior season, he turned his attention elsewhere and ended up at Michigan.

Other schools Mallett considered were UCLA, Tennessee, and Texas A&M.

Ryan Mallett Enrolls at Arkansas originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Mon, 14 Jan 2008 23:56:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Arkansas Making Life Hard on Arkansas

John Radcliff — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:44:00 EST

Filed under: Bowl Games, Missouri Football, Arkansas Football

Despite a decent drive by Arkansas late in the third quarter that ended in a three yard touchdown run by Darren McFadden, Arkansas has been their own worst enemy in the second half. From the fumble by Felix Jones after a 40 yard pass completion, to the Casey Dick interception returned for a touchdown by Missouri, to the interception by Adrian Davis that he promptly fumbled, to the Peyton Hills catch and fumble, Arkansas is showing us what it means to properly screw the pooch.

As Bobby Petrino watches, he has to be asking himself why all the fumbles. Dang, I can't even finish this post without Arkansas messing something else up. With another Razorback drive stalling, the punt coverage team gets a fifteen yard penalty for interfering with the chance to catch the kick. Give credit to Missouri for playing a good game and knowing when to step back and watch Arkansas implode. Oh yeah, Missouri needs all of one play to make Arkansas pay with a 40 yard touchdown run by Tony Temple. This makes it 38-7 in favor of Missouri.

The score might change between now and then, but this one is over. For Missouri they cap one of the best seasons in school history with a dominating performance that should catapult them into a high ranking next year and an eye on their next game with Oklahoma. For Arkansas they really have to wonder who they are. Are they the team that ran all over then number one LSU or are they the team that couldn't get out of their own way today? Will the hire of Bobby Petrino help to stabilize this team into more consistent play, or will the sine wave roller coaster continue full steam ahead?

Arkansas Making Life Hard on Arkansas originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:44:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Mizzou Leading the Cotton Bowl

Charles Rich — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 13:17:00 EST

Filed under: Big 12, SEC, Missouri Football, Arkansas Football

First half thoughts on the ~~Fox~~ AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic between Arkansas and Missouri. Missouri has a 14-0 lead.

Arkansas came out in all red unis. They said it was the first time Arkansas has ever broken out the same colored tops and bottoms. Since I've never been a fan of the high school uniform look, here's hoping it will be the last time.

The coverage of this game -- in case they haven't made the point enough times -- is Fox. Pat Summerall and Brian Baldinger providing play-by-play and color. I hate having Summerall do games now. He used to be one of the best, but he's not able to stay on top of things any longer. Add in the fact that Summerall is an NFL guy, knows the NFL game and then Fox just plops him in a college bowl game and it hurts to listen.

He and Baldinger seem to assume that the viewers along with himself, are seeing a college game for the first time this season. Talking about Darren McFadden and Kevin Jones like their performance is some sort of burst-on-the-scene-revelation. Admittedly it's the first game of the season on the Fox network channel, so to them it may well be. Most everyone else taking the time to watch this game, however, has at least a passing awareness.

Arkansas has had good field position thanks to great returns by Jones and McFadden. They just haven't been able to finish drives. Twice they stalled out inside the 20, and missed field goals. McFadden and Jones can't get free at that point and the passing of Casey Dick doesn't scare anyone.

Missouri started the game tight, but got over their opening jitters. The Tigers actually offer offensive balance with Chase Daniels throwing and Tony Temple running absolutely wild through the Razorbacks. Temple already has more than 150 rushing yards and both TDs. Daniels has under 100 yards passing, thanks to plenty of Mizzou receivers dropping passes.

At the end of the half, Summerall mentioned that Missouri players were a little ticked at the Razorbacks players talking up their speed and how much faster the players are in the SEC. So far, beyond McFadden and Jones, speed hasn't been noticeable from Arkansas.

Mizzou Leading the Cotton Bowl originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 01 Jan 2008 13:17:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Darren McFadden Considers the Escalade as His Future Ride

Charles Rich — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 11:04:00 EST

Filed under: SEC, Bowl Games, NCAA FB Gossip, Arkansas Football, NFL Prospects

Looks like Darren McFadden already learned something from new Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino: look out for number one, and screw the team.

The problem is with a new Cadillac Escalade that is reportedly in Darren McFadden's possession. According to an earlier source Darren McFadden was present when sports agent, Mike Conley negotiated the deal for the Escalade at Superior Cadillac, in Fayetteville.

Mike Conley, is the father of the Memphis Grizzlies Mike Conley, Jr. and the agent of both Conley, Jr. and Greg Oden of the Portland Trailblazers. He is not, however, certified by the NFL as an agent (yet).

Conley denied the full report. Saying he was not with McFadden at any dealership in Arkansas.

McFadden's mom, also denied the new Escalade was hers or in her name as the report initially said.

"Mike Conley hasn't bought nothing, and it ain't in my name," Muhammad said. "It's his stepmom's, Ella McFadden's. Really, the truck is on loan. Darren drove that down [to Dallas ] to see how he'd like it, and maybe he'd get one later."

To claim that he's got one now, though, no. Of course not. Never. It's just his step-mom's. He's merely borrowed her just purchased car to see how he likes it in the future. The Arkansas Athletic Department admits it is looking into the matter with regards to NCAA compliance issues, but is saying little else.

Regardless of what the outcome with McFadden's status for the Cotton Bowl, it's safe to assume he's heading for the NFL Draft and not back to Arkansas for his senior year (okay, that was probably a safe bet before this).

Darren McFadden Considers the Escalade as His Future Ride originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 28 Dec 2007 11:04:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Arkansas Media Is Totally Normal... Totally

Andy Katzer — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:30:00 EST

Filed under: SEC, Arkansas Football, General CFB Insanity, NCAA FB Coaching, NCAA FB Media Watch

Want yet another reason Houston Nutt was willing to run screaming away from his alma mater, even if it meant banishing himself to the coaching wasteland in Oxford, Mississippi? It was probably connected to not having to deal with the crazy Arkansas media anymore. Via the always brilliant Wizard of Odds, here's a clip of Little Rock anchorman Craig O'Neill talking with some unidentified dude during coverage of Bobby Petrino's coronation as Arkansas' head coach. This, being handled by the Arkansas media, cannot go on without painful awkwardness. Clip follows, with transcript of said awkwardness below:

I Don't Blame Bobby Petrino

Ryan Ferguson — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:06:00 EST

Filed under: Falcons, NFC South, SEC, NCAA FB Fans, Arkansas Football, NCAA FB Coaching, NFL Coaching

The rest of my esteemed FanHouse colleagues hate Petrino's move from the pros back to the college ranks... I don't.

Yes, Petrino is a mercenary. I think. His "history" of job skipping isn't quite as severe as some have made it out to be. Yes, he flirted with other jobs while at Louisville. He made the statement that he wasn't going anywhere, and wanted people to "really believe it". Shortly thereafter, he's the coach of the Atlanta Falcons. Now he's headed back to Arkansas.

As a head coach, he's only had two jobs before calling Woo Pig Sooie. One of them was in the No Fun League, which clearly didn't agree with Petrino's personality. And as for Louisville, a program with almost nothing going for it when he arrived? All he did was take them to heights they'd never before imagined in his four years there. It's not like the guy came in, wrecked something good, and left. For Chrissakes, the Cards went 12-1 in his final year.

And who can blame Petrino for wanting out of the nightmare which is the Atlanta Falcons? From Vick to injuries to 3-10... yeah, not sticking around for the whole season doesn't help matters, but when you know you're not a good fit for the League, why prolong the agony?

It's the way he left -- both times, admittedly -- which made his critics want to vilify him. I guess saying one thing and then doing the other is a kind of behavior which annoys people. Well, guess what? That's how the coaching profession works. And besides, we are talking professional football. The sport is comprised of a whole crew of people who exchange teams year in and year out. They're all mercenaries.

My friend Keltic Gator, a college football blogger at Orange and Blue Hue, writes:

Bobby Petrino left with 3 games remaining . . . and your point is??? What exactly would waiting three more games on a team that was 3-10 effectively accomplish??? What is the difference between going on a three game roll and finishing 6-10 compared to ending up 3-13? Worse draft picks for the franchise next year? What friggin difference does it make? It's more important for a college coach to be in place now because of the recruiting impact. And maybe . . . just maybe . . . based on all the people jettisoning from the NFL coaching ranks these days that the life of an NFL coach might . . . perhaps . . . umm . . . SUCK????

He goes on to say:

It's time for NFL fans to see things for how they are. Coaches are going to go where they want just like everyone else and since the NFL and NCAA are not PARTNERS there isn't anything unethical about them competing for coaches. That's the free market economy. The NFL is only recently becoming aware of the free market dynamics since they are essentially run as a giant, government sanctioned monopoly. There is no loyalty in the NFL. Not from the players, not from the team office, not from the coaches and definitely not from the fans. If anyone should realize this, it should be the NFL minions - There is no honor among thieves.

As a rabid fan of college athletics who is ambivalent about professional football, I'm probably biased. But I agree with this.

And as for Arkansas fans worried about where Petrino might leave 'em hanging, yeah, there are a few with that concern. But let's face it: we're talking about Arkansas. Even if they only get to keep Petrino for a few years, this is a huge boost to their program.

I Don't Blame Bobby Petrino originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:06:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Lawyer Milloy Edits Letter Left to Falcon Players By Bobby Petrino

Sportz Assassin — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 00:39:00 EST

Filed under: Falcons, NFC South, SEC, Arkansas Football, NFL Coaching, Atlanta

Pretty much everyone who doesn't scream WOO PIG SOOIE for Arkansas football doesn't think too highly of Bobby Petrino (just click his name for all the recap).

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, all Petrino left behind was a letter taped up at the Falcons' Flowery Branch facility. Wanna see a pic of it? Go ahead.

"Atlanta Falcons players;

Out of my respect for you, I am letting you know, with a heavy heart, I resigned today as the Head Coach of the Atlanta Falcons. This decision was not easy but was made in the best interest of me and my family. While my desire would have been to finish out what has been a difficult season for us all, circumstances did not allow me to do so. I appreciate your hard work and wish the best.

Sincerely,

Bobby Petrino"

Now look at the photo of the letter after DB Lawyer Milloy edited it. He crossed out Petrino's name and wrote the word "coward" instead. Excellent. You'd have the be a coward to not be able to face the guys that you demanded to fight for you.

Lawyer Milloy Edits Letter Left to Falcon Players By Bobby Petrino originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 13 Dec 2007 00:39:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Would You Trust This Man?

JJ Cooper — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 22:19:00 EST

Filed under: SEC, Arkansas Football, Atlanta

Arkansas fans are all excited now that Bobby Petrino has replaced Houston Nutt as head coach. A journey to the Razorbacks message boards finds plenty of happy fans, including one guy who declares it 'the best moment of his life."

But Arkansas fans, and more importantly Arkansas potential recruits, should get an idea of who they'll be dealing with.

We all know that college football is full of coaches who say one thing before doing another. Heck, Petrino will be coaching every year against Alabama coach Nick Saban, a guy who has turned lying into an art form.

But when Bobby Petrino steps into a 17-year-old prospect's kitchen and tries to convince him to sign a letter of intent to Arkansas, the kid better have the motto of signer beware. Bobby Petrino has done very well for Bobby Petrino, but it's hard to say in recent years that he's had a lot of concern for his colleagues and bosses. And players who sign with Arkansas should know that Petrino has never stayed in one place more than four years. The chances of him being your coach for your senior day is pretty slim.There is no way to know he won't bolt again when a better job comes open. We're talking about a coach who's working on his third job in just one year. And he's the same coach who secretly met with Auburn boosters and put together a handshake deal for that job when then-coach Tommy Tuberville (who had hired Petrino as an assistant) hadn't even been fired. All the while that was going on, he was proclaiming his love of Louisville and his intent to stay there.

In the end, Petrino did stay at Louisville that time, because the whole plan was made public before Tuberville was ever fired. The resulting outpouring of condemnation forced Petrino to pull out of the running for a job that ended up not coming open.

But that wasn't Petrino's only case of duplicity. He got a 10-year contract extension out of Louisville during the summer of 2006, a move that was supposed to make him happy, and he said he was:

"I can't tell you how happy I am with the commitment and the confidence that Tom Jurich has in me and the university has in me," Petrino said after signing the contract Thursday morning. "I also wanted to make sure that everyone understood, I know I've said it, that this is where my family wants to be. This is where I want to be. I want everyone to really believe it."

He was on a plane to Atlanta six months later.

But at least that was just part of how the game is normally played. Coaches lie to the press about their plans to stay somewhere--after all you have to have players believe in you to get them to play their best (and to get next year's recruiting class lined up). It's unseemly and undignified, but Petrino wasn't the first coach to play that game.

But Petrino's decision to bail on the Falcons shows a lot more about his character, or apparently his lack of character. Petrino had told Falcons owner Arthur Blank repeatedly that he planned to stay in Atlanta. On Monday, Blank asked Petrino specifically if he was looking at leaving for any college jobs. Petrino told him that he had no interest in any college job. While he was saying that, he already had a pretty good idea that he was leaving.

This wasn't a case of lying to the press and fans (which is bad enough). This was a case of lying directly to the man who had signed Petrino to a $25-million contract and given him the keys to the franchise. It was a lie that he didn't need to tell for any reason beyond that fact that no one seems to matter to Bobby Petrino but Bobby Petrino. Apparently he didn't tell Blank the truth until hours before he headed out of town on a plane to Arkansas for a press conference tonight.

When Petrino talks to players about playing hard to the final whistle and never quitting, he's asking them to do something he couldn't do. He quit on the Falcons because he found the NFL game was too hard. The players in the NFL couldn't be intimidated by a college coach into meek submission so he quit, leaving for a less prestigious job that will pay him less money. He didn't even have the decency to finish out the season, and he leaves the program in worse shape than how he found it.

Petrino may be a big success with Arkansas. The man knows how to run a college offense, and his my-way-or-the-highway style works much better with college players. But Arkansas fans better know that you can never be sure what Petrino's telling you is the truth, because he's proven that lying is fine as long as it helps Bobby Petrino.

Would You Trust This Man? originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 11 Dec 2007 22:19:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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HOMERUN! Arkansas Hits One Out of the Park with Petrino Hire

Ryan Ferguson — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 19:38:00 EST

Filed under: SEC, Arkansas Football, NCAA FB Coaching

(Note: it's still speculation as of 7:15PM ET on December 11th, 2007, but it looks damn likely that former Atlanta Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino will be the next head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.)

If this is the result after being jilted at the altar, I say line 'em up and knock 'em down the same way every time. Bobby Freakin' Petrino to Arkansas? That's genius.

Of course Petrino, like all too many other college coaches (ahem! Spurrier... *cough* Davis) found the NFL to live up to its 'No Fun League' designation. Our own MDS concisely sums up the Petrino/Falcons experiment:

Petrino's one and only year as head coach of the Falcons has been a disaster, from his starting quarterback going to prison to the players all despising him. And now it's over.

Aye! It's over... the Atlanta Falcons website is now announcing that Petrino is resigning. Arkansas isn't mentioned, but a 2:00PM press conference has been scheduled for Wednesday.Initial reaction? Wow... just, wow. Arkansas is set. That's a fantastic hire. What's funky is the repeat from hoops to pigskin. Last year, Dana Altman said toodles to Creighton to accept the b-ball job, then left Arkansas hanging, causing them to go to Plan B, which was one John Pelphrey... a huge upgrade in my opinion. Now, they've gone from Jim Grobe, a respectable hire, saying "Yes... wait! No" to Bobby Petrino. Bobby Freakin' Petrino! Amazing!

Can the SEC get any more competitive? In the west, you have Nick Saban at Bama, Les Miles at LSU, Tommy Tuberville at Auburn and now Petrino at Arkansas. In the East, you have Spurrier at South Carolina, Meyer at Florida, Richt at Georgia and Fulmer at Tennessee.

Every single one of those coaches have either a) won a national championship or b) fielded a Top 5 team more than once.

The HogBlogger is already sending his ardent thanks to Chuck Neinas, a "super head hunter" hired by Arkansas Chancellor Jeff Long.

Congratulations on the home run, Arkansas. Now don't screw it up.

HOMERUN! Arkansas Hits One Out of the Park with Petrino Hire originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Tue, 11 Dec 2007 19:38:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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StiffArmTrophy.com Projects Final Finish in Heisman Race

Ryan Ferguson — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 21:48:00 EST

Filed under: Florida Football, Big 12, MAC, SEC, Heisman, Missouri Football, Arkansas Football, Hawaii Football

Spoiler alert! If you continue reading, you'll be privy to the name of the student-athlete who will win the Heisman Trophy on Saturday night, and you'll also know who will come in as runner-up. In fact, there's an odds-on chance you'll know exactly how all four finalists will finish.

Want to surprise and impress your non-blog reading friends with your Heisman prescience? Simply tell them that you know exactly what order the finalists will finish and what percentage of the total vote they'll get.

How will you be able to do this? By way of StiffArmTrophy.com, which has to be the coolest of all the Heisman websites out there; it's like the early exit poll for college football's most prestigious individual award. The website tracks publicly announced ballots, whether they be in print, over the radio or on TV, and projects the winner.

Does it work? Yes. Since 2002, SAT has correctly projected the winner and runner-up.

Since then, the website has correctly nailed the Top 3 (2006), the Top 4 (2003) and Top 5 (2005) in the correct order of finish. The average margin of error is anywhere from 1-4%, so for extremely tight races the site is less accurate.

As it happens, despite what ESPN might be advertising as a "close race," the 2007 race isn't that tight at all... except for 3rd and 4th place, which are close enough to fall just within that aforementioned margin. The victor in this race will win comfortably, and the runner-up will be defined with a similar cushion in statistical margin.

Ready for the results? Here you go... after the jump.

#4: Chase Daniel, QB, Missouri
Projected total points: 364. Projected total %: 13.1%

Why he's a finalist: Chase Daniel had a phenomenal year as a quarterback in '07, throwing for 4,170 yards, 33 TDs and only 10 INTs. He has a QB rating of 151.91 and led Mizzou to a #1 ranking.

Why he didn't win it: The two losses to Oklahoma -- the best team Mizzou played all year -- eroded voter confidence that Daniel could play at a Heisman level against a Top 10 team not named Kansas. A win over Oklahoma in the Big 12 championship game most likely would have made a seismic shift in voter perception, but it wasn't to be.

Next year?: Daniel will be an early Heisman favorite in his senior year at Mizzou.

#3: Colt Brennan, QB, Hawaii
Projected total points: 514. Projected total %: 18.5%

Why he's a finalist: Brennan led Hawaii to an undefeated regular season and BCS bowl bid. He threw for 4,174 yards, 38 TDs and 14 INTs. His QB rating is 166.3.

Why he didn't win it: There's a reason Hawaii's undefeated and still isn't being given a chance to play in the BCS Title game, despite the fact that two teams with a combined 3 losses between them are playing for the championship. That reason is Hawaii's schedule; their toughest opponent was 4-8 Washington. Close wins over Louisiana Tech (45-44), Nevada (28-26), and Fresno State (37-30) did little to help matters. Brennan also has some character issues in his past, but I don't think they played a significant role in how voters viewed him. Hawaii's weak schedule is a burden that Brennan has to carry when being considered for an honor as prestigious as the Heisman Trophy, and that burden has translated into a distant 3rd-place finish behind the top 2 finalists.

Next year?: It's off the pros for senior Brennan; if Warriors' head coach June Jones is to be believed, he's one of the best pro prospects ever. We'll see.

#2: Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
Projected total points: 1510. Projected total %: 54.5%

Why he's a finalist: Darren McFadden is easily the finest running back in the country. Despite sharing the load with fellow superstar Felix Jones, he still rushed for 1,725 yards in the regular season for a 5.7 YPC average. He has 15 rushing TDs, 1 TD reception, and for good measure, threw 4 more. He had monster games against South Carolina (321 yards) and LSU (206 yards) and rushed for over a hundred in all but three games. He is a likely Top 2 NFL draft pick should he decide to forgo his senior year with the Razorbacks.

Why he didn't win it: "D-Mac" came into the 2007 season as a favorite to win the Trophy. If he had managed this Heisman-like season in a year when our Heisman winner wasn't playing football, he'd likely have won it this year, now that he's a junior. Option 2: if Arkansas had just managed to win the SEC West and compete for a conference championship, losing perhaps only 2 or 3 games instead of 4, this year's Race could have been much closer.

Next year?: The "Boss Hawg" says he hasn't yet decided whether he'll go pro or not after the Hogs' bowl game against Missouri, but nobody's fooled. McFadden has one game remaining in an Arkansas uniform and after that, hello NFL!

#1: Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
Projected total points: 2045. Projected total %: 73.8%

Why he's a finalist: What more can be said about Tim Tebow that hasn't already been said? He's shattered just about every record a quarterback can break, and he's done it in his first year as a starter in the SEC. He's tied the SEC single-season rushing TD record at 22, with a bowl game to go. He's the first quarterback in the history of Division I-A football to score 20 passing and 20 rushing touchdowns in a single season. His 51-TD performance against the nation's best defenses is a milestone record that will likely remain unbroken even by Tebow himself as a junior or senior. The Heisman Trophy goes to college football's most outstanding player; there is no other criteria. Tebow has proven himself to be that in 2007.

Next year?: He'll be wearing a Florida uniform in 2008. In a recent interview, Tim Tebow said he was "planning to stay all 4 years" at Florida, but whether that occurs obviously remains to be seen. How many career records will Tim Tebow break if he stays through 2009? Only time will tell.

Looking at the Numbers

As you can see, with Tebow pulling in a projected 2,045 votes to McFadden's 1,510, the gap between first and second place isn't terribly close. But it's certainly closer than the gap between McFadden's runner-up finish and Colt Brennan and Chase Daniel, who are projected to receive only 514 and 364 votes, respectively.

Brennan and Daniel are close enough point-wise that a reversal of 3rd and 4th place is possible; so don't take that prediction to the bank. One thing you can be certain of is that Tim Tebow will be the first sophomore in the history of the Heisman Trophy to win the award, and that fellow SEC'er Darren McFadden will be the runner-up.

We'll be back after the ceremony with any new updates or info of interest. Until then, you can spread the word with confidence: it's an SEC QB and RB duo taking 1st and second place, respectively. Thank you, StiffArmTrophy.com, for all that you do.

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StiffArmTrophy.com Projects Final Finish in Heisman Race originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 07 Dec 2007 21:48:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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SEC Cleans Up College Football Awards

Ryan Ferguson — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 12:11:00 EST

Filed under: Florida Football, LSU Football, SEC, Arkansas Football, Arkansas, Florida, LSU

The SEC's impressive talent was on display at the Home Depot College Football Awards show in Orlando on Thursday night.

4 of the 9 achievement awards went to SEC players. That was easily enough to put the Southeastern Conference in first place; the Pac-10 came in second with two recipients, while the Big 10, Big 12 and ACC trailed at one apiece. Here's how it breaks down...

Doak Walker Award: given to college football's best running back.
Winner: Darren McFadden, Arkansas (SEC), for the second consecutive season.

Fred Biletnikoff Award: given to college football's best receiver.
Winner: Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech (Big 12)

Davey O'Brien Award: given to the nation's top quarterback.
Winner: Tim Tebow, Florida. (SEC)

Chuck Bednarik Trophy: given to the nation's best defensive player.
Winner: Dan Connor, LB, Penn State. (Big 10)

Jim Thorpe Award: given to the best defensive back in the country.
Winner: Antoine Cason, CB, Arizona. (Pac 10)

Outland Trophy: given to the nation's best interior lineman.
Winner: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU. (SEC)

Lou Groza Award: given to the country's best kicker.
Winner: Thomas Weber, Arizona State. (Pac 10)

Ray Guy Award: given to the nation's top punter.
Winner: Durant Brooks, Georgia Tech. (ACC)

Maxwell Award: given to college football's best all-round player.
Winner: Tim Tebow, Florida. (SEC)

Additionally, 6 SEC players were named to the Walter Camp All-American team and LSU's Glenn Dorsey won the Lombardi Trophy, given to the country's best college lineman, earlier this week.

What's especially exciting is that two of the SEC's awardees (McFadden and Tebow) are finalists for the Heisman Trophy; chances are excellent that the stiffarm trophy will return to the SEC this year.

Congratulations to the SEC's finest players, who play for some of college football's finest teams; and congratulations to recipients from the Big 10, Pac 10, Big 12, and ACC for their achievements as well.

SEC Cleans Up College Football Awards originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Fri, 07 Dec 2007 12:11:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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ACC Coaches Using Razorbacks for Raises

Bill Maloney — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 12:48:00 EST

Filed under: ACC, SEC, BCS, Arkansas Football, Wake Forest Football

Arkansas obviously wants to make a splash with their next head coach. Instead, they've just made some ACC football coaches richer. First Butch Davis spurned his alma mater for a lucrative contract extension at North Carolina. A fruitless flirtation with Tommy Tuberville kept them looking and back in ACC Country.

Tommy Bowden almost said yes...only to stay at Clemson with the predictable contract extension. Still coachless, it appears the next thought was "if you can't have Tommy Bowden, how about hiring a coaching who actually won the ACC." Enter Jim Grobe. The Wake Forest coach seemed like the better fit. Grobe is a guy who has won at schools with limited resources. His ground-based scheme would work with the talent Houston Nutt left behind. He was ready to take the next step. Yet, you know how the story ends. Grobe left Arkansas at the alter and is staying at Wake Forest. No immediate announcement on a contract extension but I would guess that part of Wake's plea for him to stay included future compensation.

Where does Arkansas turn now? There are still a few ACC coaches they haven't called on yet. Maybe Ralph Friedgen will listen. Or perhaps Al Groh. Frank Beamer has been known to leverage rumor into dollars. As long as Arkansas keeps searching, ACC ADs need to have their checkbooks open.

ACC Coaches Using Razorbacks for Raises originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 06 Dec 2007 12:48:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NSFMF! Looks Like Grobe is Staying Put?

Ryan Ferguson — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 10:25:00 EST

Filed under: ACC, SEC, Arkansas Football, Wake Forest Football

FanHouse reported last night that Jim Grobe was set to be announced as Arkansas' newest head coach, but breaking at 9:45AM ET Thursday we've received reports that Grobe apparently had a change of heart and will remain at Wake Forest. From Deacon Sports:

According to sources at Arkansas and Wake Forest, Demon Deacon head coach Jim Grobe will remain at Wake Forest. Stay tuned to DeaconSports for further developments.

HawgsIllustrated.com is in agreement: ($)

Sources told Hawgs Illustrated that Jim Grobe changed his mind late Wednesday night and decided to stay at Wake Forest. Earlier in the night Grobe had accepted an offer to take over as head coach at Arkansas.

No word yet on how, what, or why... and we have yet to receive an official announcement from Grobe himself. But it looks like Arkansas most likely will have to go back to the drawing board.

NSFMF! Looks Like Grobe is Staying Put? originally appeared on NCAA Football FanHouse on Thu, 06 Dec 2007 10:25:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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