Starting 11: Counting to Five in Alabama

As the fourth quarter of CBS's coverage of Alabama-LSU went to commercial break, the cameras caught something extraordinary, an Alabama fan giving the cliched and overused four finger slogan. Okay, nothing extraordinary about that, but, this is when a bit of the Southern Gothic came into your living room, the man only had four fingers, he was missing a pinkie! So he gave the four finger sign utilizing his thumb.

My jaw literally dropped. Judging by everyone's reaction on Twitter, I wasn't the only one. The most shocking thing, of course, is that the fan gave up the pinkie to Nick Saban, wielding a machete, as part of the pregame speech. Good to see they got the bleeding stopped.

But, of course, this moment of four-finger jubilation wasn't the only thing that caught my attention. We've got Alabama, LSU, Notre Dame, Oregon, Cincinnati, and a groom who made it rain at this wedding reception and caused a 40-person brawl. Plus, we learn that 5 yards in Alabama math actually means 5.5 yards.

Dive in and enjoy.

1. What the heck is up with the Pac-10 results?

I'm not quibbling with the talent of Pac-10 teams. In fact, and I'll take grief for this, I actually like Pac-10 fans the most in college football, behind only the SEC. Partly that's because the West Coast is my second favorite region, so I like being out there, but it's also because the games are entertaining, the fans are pretty fun, have the second-best senses of humor in football, and there are plenty of lovely women around

Yet, does any conference in America have more shocking results? Particularly in light of the scores of the shocking games?

I'm not astounded that Stanford beat Oregon. Coming off a bye week with a good coach and a home game, the ingredients for an upset were all there, but still, Stanford hangs 51 on Oregon?

Stanford had only scored 40 once this season, against San Jose State back in September. Meanwhile, Oregon has only given up 58 points total in their last five games.

So what happens when the two teams meet? Stanford scores 51 en route to the upset.

Of course it does. That's Pac-10 football.

Again, the upset doesn't surprise me, but in most conferences in America the upset score would have been something like 20-17.

In the Pac-10, all bets are off.

2. NBC's coverage of Notre Dame football is atrocious.

My favorite part of Saturday's loss to Navy -- and there were several parts -- was when NBC labeled Jimmy Clausen "the toughest player in America."

Really? You don't think that might be a slight exaggeration? Perhaps connected to NBC's television contract with Notre Dame? Bigger question, can a quarterback ever be the toughest player on a team? I don't think so.

But every time I watch an NBC broadcast of Notre Dame football, I'm reminded why Tom Hammond and Pat Haden are the worst announcing team in college football. It's not just the Notre Dame homerism, they're genuinely awful at explaining the game, discussing strategy, all of it. At some point, I should just do an article chronicling their ineptitude.

Anyway, I've never heard a team praised so much while only putting up seven points against a service academy. Listening to the Notre Dame-Navy game was like attending a kindergarten graduation ceremony with the woman whose son got held back for a year. And she's heaping praise on her son for the accomplishment: "I can't believe my baby did it!"

Really? Did you think he was going to be in kindergarten for the rest of his life? At some point they have to promote you. (Aside: Is kindergarten not one of the trickiest words to spell? Doesn't it seem like the first three letters should be K-I-D? I misspell this word every time I type it. I'm always ticked that I have to look it up, and then I always think, why am I using the word kindergarten again? Kind of like when I didn't write the word misspell for three years because I was terrified of the irony of misspelling the word misspell).

As for Charlie Weis, I think his era was summed up by this stat, white fullback Vince Murray carried the ball 14 times for 158 yards against his team. That's an average of over 11 yards a carry.

Think about that.

A fullback, who started the year in a battle for the second string spot at a position whose primary job is to bang into things. Who, in two previous seasons had only seen action against titans Duke and Ball State. Whose online biography has no stats but lauds him for playing with "great toughness."

He rushed for 158 yards.

All the talent that Weis has brought to Notre Dame and they can't stop Navy's white fullback, who by the way played a hell of a game, on the dive play? Putting those stats into context, that average per carry was almost twice what the next worst team has allowed him -- Rice gave up 6.5 yards a carry.

If I was a student at Notre Dame, I might make my own anti-Weis shirt. "Notre Dame: White Fullbacks Own Us."

3. Officiating errors when made via replay review are unforgivable.

I've already volunteered myself for the position of instant replay reviewer. I think I'm every bit as qualified as the people the SEC employs now. But what I really want to happen, is someone to pay the price when they blow a call on instant replay review. Because that, my friends, is inexcusable.

The Patrick Peterson interception happened really fast in the LSU-Alabama game. The fact that two officials who were standing in the position to make the call both blew it is, while sad, somewhat excusable. That's why we have video replay, right? But when a guy sitting in a booth in front of the television blows the call too, there's no point to having replay at all.

Zero.

So here's a suggestion: If a blown call happens in a game and instant replay review doesn't change it, then the booth official is suspended for life and has to spend an entire afternoon in the stocks on the campus where he made the error.

I want to be the lawyer who drafts this contract.

4. Speaking of unforgivable, how about CBS trotting out the film of all eight of Jarrett Lee's interceptions returned for touchdowns?

Why is that unforgivable?

Because Lee wasn't even the starting quarterback. That means CBS had that clip on file just in case Jordan Jefferson, LSU's starter, was injured.

Think about that for a minute.

They'd already decided to throw Jarrett Lee under the bus on the off chance that he played against Alabama.

Having said that, how unbelievable is it that Lee had eight interceptions returned for touchdowns. Especially when you look at his picks all together. It's not like he's throwing passes that get tipped away at the line of scrimmage and returned for touchdowns. All of his passes are traveling down the field. And almost all of them are 40 or more yard returns.

It really is one of the most amazing statistical abnormalities out there.

Now, does that mean that Jarrett Lee should be subjected to this every time he plays a game?

I don't think so.

Even more importantly, should LSU fans be subjected to this?

Definitely not.

5. Someone explain to me how LSU was penalized 5.5 yards for running into the kicker in the fourth quarter.

Dan Wetzel at Yahoo Sports tweeted it in real time, and now here's the actual evidence.

After the error on spotting, Alabama then converted this fourth-down play. Which was, you guessed it, shortly followed by the interception that wasn't. Then Bama kicked a field goal to go up nine points.

I'd include this photo when Les Miles inevitably tees off on the officials.

Personally, I'm hoping Miles brings in an overhead projector and puts this picture on the screen behind him. I would pay a thousand dollars of the fine myself to see Miles do this. Especially if he pulled out an old school marker and noted the ball placement.

Seriously though, isn't it incomprehensible that this could happen?

6. Jonathan Crompton is Lazarus.

Since I called for his benching, Jonathan Crompton has turned into Jesus Montana. This is why Memphis should contact me about their new opening at head coach, I know football. (If you need further evidence of this fact, I am dominating my family's former French exchange student in our weekly picks challenge in the mailbag.)

Saturday, Crompton passed for 331 yards with five touchdowns through the air and one on the ground. That's all in less than 33 minutes of football -- Kiffin pulled him after the first drive of the second half. Crompton would have gone for over 500 yards and eight or nine touchdowns if he'd played the whole game.

And while he threw the ball with precision, the most impressive part of Saturday, I thought, was Crompton's quarterback sneak for a touchdown at the end of the first half. With a running clock and one timeout left, Crompton came to the line, faked like he was going to spike the football, and then got under center and dove into the end zone for the score.

It was an incredibly smart play.

Why?

If he'd actually grounded the ball, there would have only been around six seconds left in the half. It would be second and goal and UT would have one timeout left. Time for one definite play, maybe two if you were very lucky with the clock. Instead Crompton took his shot at getting into the end zone with a running clock. If he's stopped, no big deal, call the timeout and you still get another play where run or pass is the option. The point is, the quarterback sneak there doesn't take much longer than spiking the football and it gives you a chance to score.

It was a really, really smart play.

Crompton now has 21 touchdown passes against 10 interceptions, and in the past five games he's got 14 touchdowns and only two picks. Time for a bold pronouncement that can never be justified, proven or disproven: If Crompton was coming back next season the Vols would win the SEC East.

7. What are the rules for wearing a coaches' polo if you aren't actually in the town where the game is played?

I'll tell you: You can't go coaches' polo unless you're at the game.

Period.

For the unaware, the coaches' polo has taken the SEC fashion world by storm. You know the shirts the coaches wear on the sideline? That's the coaches' polo, these things are insanely popular down South. I've never seen that many other fans wear them out, but in the SEC they're gold bullion. Basically, if you're over 35 and graduated from college, the coaches polo is your fashion security blanket, the male equivalent of women's heels at an SEC game. You can't go wrong with the CP.

Except when you can.

You look like an idiot when you wear your coach's polo out to the bar and you didn't actually go to the game. The CP is strictly gameday wear in the town of the game. Otherwise, keep them in the closet.



8. Why is no one taking shots at Cincinnati for giving up 45 points to UConn?

I'll tell you, because for much of the media, Cincinnati is like a hot chick on a beach in Venezuela, you know she exists but she's so remote you don't pay any attention to her actual physical characteristics. A large part of me is convinced that the only Bearcat game anyone has actually seen was the game against South Florida.

For instance, I couldn't watch the Cincinnati game in Nashville.

Why?

Because we got the Nebraska-Oklahoma game on regional coverage. That's despite being about 280 miles from Cincinnati. I have no idea who made this programming decision, and I'm not even sure what the rationale could possibly be. I guarantee you that more people in my city were interested in watching Cincinnati. It's a closer school, that game has more relevance for SEC fans, and ... yep, we got Oklahoma-Nebraska.

Which means we missed 711 yards of offense from Cincinnati and a 555-yard offensive performance from Zach Collaros, the Bearcats former backup quarterback.

Want another wacky stat? Prior to giving up 45 to the Huskies the most points the Bearcats had allowed all season was 20 to Fresno State.

But, you guessed it, no one really paid attention.

9. Michigan lost at home to Purdue 38-36.

My wife's family was in this weekend so we watched this game on the Big Ten Network. How disappointing is this loss if you're Michigan? The worst part is that the nation isn't even paying attention to you anymore because you've become an afterthought. At least when Notre Dame lost to Navy, a much better team than Purdue, people reacted.

Michigan losing to Purdue?

No one even reacts anymore.

George Bernard Shaw once said that the worst sin towards a fellow man is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. Presumably he had just flipped through a Michigan football game for a Home Shopping Network special at the time.

That's how far off the radar Michigan has fallen.

In his second season at Ohio State, Jim Tressel won a national championship. In his second season at Michigan, Rich Rodriguez is not going to a bowl game. Again.

My wife, a Michigan alum, came downstairs after getting our son down for his nap, looked at the television, saw the Boilermakers celebrating, and said, "Purdue! We're still Michigan."

Isn't it time for all Michigan fans to have this collective reaction and kick Rich Rod to the curb? I understand that installing the spread offense takes time, but what about the defense? You've given up 30 to every Big Ten team except Michigan State, a game you lost anyway.

Nothing is working. And Rich Rod ain't the right fit.

10. Tampa groom makes it rain at his own wedding and causes a 40-person brawl.

His 74-year-old grandmother gets beaten down in the process.

What city?

Tampa, of course.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that this wedding is destined for great things.

Pacman Jones, at least, was touched by the gesture.

11. The SEC needs a Mark Cuban type to tee off on officiating until something changes.

That person needs to be independent from the league office yet have a stake in the outcome. And he needs to be willing to keep writing checks when he's fined by the league. Remember how everyone called Cuban a whiner and then he was ultimately vindicated in many of his criticisms about the officiating? Someone else is going to be right in the long run if they hold the SEC's feet to the fire on this thing.

I'm not sure who that person is since athletic directors and coaches are beholden to the commissioner and there are no owners in the SEC, but someone has to make an issue of this.

It's to the point where, before he opened his mouth and gave the result on the interception review, I actually thought, "They're not going to change the call."

In other words, I think I'm a pretty reasonable fan and the errors are mounting to such a degree that they're interfering with my enjoyment of the on-field product.

That has to change.

Now.