I'm convinced there's an epidemic currently afoot in America that receives no attention: Cell phones dropped in the toilet. I have five different friends who have confessed to this via sheepish e-mails (presumably not from the toilet-ed phones). They're trying to reprogram a new phone. This problem is of epic importance, particularly with the importance of smart phones, which can cost upwards of $500. Do you know how much money we've lost by having to replace a BlackBerry or an iPhone because of fumbles during urination? If this happened to Warren Buffet, and he hadn't backed up his information, we'd need a new stimulus package. What if Obama's BlackBerry vanished down the toilet?
I'm convinced that every day in America we throw away the equivalent of the GNP of Moldova in dropped cell phones in toilets. The issue struck me on Saturday as I tailgated and went inside a disgusting port-o-potty. Because a drop here is even worse. How much would it ruin your day if instead of the home bathroom your cell phone went into a port-o-potty? Because, be honest, you might be willing to reclaim a phone dropped at home? But a port-o-potty? It's with the effluvium for all eternity.
What's more, what about if you go to a port-o-potty, drop your phone, and can't find your friends anymore? . We all live with the idea that we're within easy mobile contact. Suddenly, you're the fan with no clothes. Not to mention no idea who is winning games on Saturday. Anyway, with this august question as prelude, let's dive right in to the ClayNation Starting 11.
1. If you're a Cincinnati fan with dreams of a national championship, you need to start rooting for West Virginia and Pittsburgh really, really hard.
Why?
Because an 8-1 West Virginia could come to Cincinnati Nov. 13. Even better, a 10-1 Pittsburgh could loom Dec. 5, the day the SEC and Big 12, other combatants for the BCS title spot, will be playing their conference championship games. I'm starting to believe that an undefeated Cincinnati will end up in the national championship game if there is only one other undefeated team. Why? Because they get two premier games against teams that will, by then, be ranked in the top 15 if they keep winning. In fact, a 10-1 Pittsburgh would likely be a top-10 team.
I can even sketch out the argument for why an undefeated Cincinnati would have dibs over every other team that doesn't emerge unscathed from the BIg 12 or the SEC. They'll have run the table in the Big East and played two major college opponents in the out-of-conference -- Oregon State on the road and Illinois at home. Aside from the Big East being reasonably strong this season, I think this schedule, featuring two would-be powers from other conferences, eliminates the weak schedule argument. Especially since no one foresaw the Illini collapse when this schedule was made. Plus, and just wait for this argument to get trotted out there, Cincinnati beat Oregon State by 10 on the road, while USC won by six at home.
In the ridiculous cake baking contest that is the BCS, that's a pretty compelling argument for why the Bearcats should be in over USC.
2. Iowa, Iowa, my kingdom for Iowa's good fortune.
How many teams come back from a third-and-18 conversion on a hook-and-ladder? How many teams can boast wins of two, two, three and one point in their eight games? The team they beat by a lone point, Northern Iowa, has a 10-point loss to North Dakota State and a touchdown loss to Southern Illinois on its resume. Arkansas State, a team Iowa beat by three, is 1-4 against BCS teams.
And on Saturday, Iowa needed a defensive holding call to erase an interception, and a fourth down touchdown pass on the final play of the game to come away with the win. So, to say you don't believe that Iowa is a top echelon team, has some validity, but credit where credit is due, Iowa is 8-0 for the first time ever.
How does Iowa get to the BCS title game? Losses by Texas, USC and probably Cincinnati (Interesting voter aversion test: Which embattled conference do you effectively vote against, Big East or Big Ten?) and maybe even then a little prayer that livestock per capita becomes an only slightly-less-nonsensical BCS component. And they still have to beat Ohio State in Columbus Nov. 14.
At least they've got luck on their side. Not to mention, an underdiscussed benefit, finishing their season on November 21 and getting to sit around and see what the rest of the contenders can do with all the pressure on them for the final two weeks of the season.
3. Tim Tebow threw two interceptions, played a mediocre game, and bailed on the post-game press conference.
That's unfortunate.
There has never been a college athlete who has received more glowing press coverage than Tim Tebow. I genuinely believe that's true. Even after having a poor game -- by his standard -- Florida still won by double digits. For a senior to dodge out on the post-game was beneath his stature.
Put it this way, Tennessee's Daniel Lincoln went on the road and missed three field goals against the No. 1 team in the country. Any one of those kicks would have won the game for his team. Did he dodge the post game press conference?
Nope.
4. Watch out for Oklahoma State in the Big 12 South.
After their 34-7 win over Baylor, the Cowboys are now 6-1 this season and undefeated in the Big 12. Only you haven't heard a damn thing about them in the past month that didn't involve Dez Bryant being suspended. Look, they lost to Houston back in September, we get it.
There's no great crime in that, Houston is a fine team with a superb offense. Certainly other one-loss teams have lost to inferior opponents, USC ring a bell? Meanwhile in their five consecutive wins, Zac Robinson has been smoking.
Yet, given all the preseason hype, the loss to Houston completely killed all interest in the Cowboys.
Until, guess what, Texas comes to town this weekend. Beat the Longhorns and Oklahoma State is about to set the BCS all aflutter. Would a one-loss Texas that doesn't win their division still have a shot at advancing to the BCS title game without playing in their conference championship game?
Maybe.
Would they have a better argument for playing for the title than a one-loss Oklahoma State team that beat them?
Nope.
5. You think the phone in the toilet business has no applicability to college football players, right? You're wrong.
It's a plague I tell you. Even football players are not immune.
"The Tigers' starting running back Joseph Doss was suspended for the first half because he was late to a pre-game meeting. Doss said he normally uses his cell phone as an alarm clock but couldn't after he dropped the phone in the toilet."
6. Ball State had a 300-yard rusher and a 200-yard rusher in their win over Eastern Michigan.
This was the first time in NCAA history that a team had a 300- and 200-yard rusher in the same game.
Ball State had, wait for it, one yard passing.
Can you imagine being the Eastern Michigan defensive coordinator watching game film on this one? Do you think he changes his resume to reflect the one yard passing? Like beneath his position--Defensive Coordinator--does he list, "Allowed only 1 yard passing to Ball State in 2009."
What about calling a pass defense, do you think he did it the entire game? Wouldn't it be great to hear the headset calls from this game?
7. Is the Landry Jones mustache the college football equivalent of Spencer Pratt's cowboy hat, so compelling you can't look away?
I think so. Every time I think I should hate it, I can't help but admire the bravado.
Also, if I'd had to shave the beard after the Alabama game, I was going to leave a stache with a handlebar that came down the side. It would have looked scary, potentially felonious, but it would have also been pretty awesome.
8. The perception that the SEC is rooting for Alabama and Florida is firmly locked in the fan consciousness.
We can argue about whether a systematic conspiracy is remotely possible ... Actually, we can't. It isn't. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist as a fervent point of belief among certain pockets of SEC fans. We sports fans are great conspiracy theorists when it comes to our teams.
But Commissioner Slive is not firing magic bullets from the SEC gatling as he stands on a grassy knoll. There are several reasons for this. No. 1, Slive has a Montgomery Burns-like strength about him, I'm not sure he could pull the trigger if he tried. No. 2 , well, it's just not happening.
But here's what might be happening, the officials, like many of us, have bought into the idea that Alabama and Florida are vastly superior teams to the rest of the conference. Once you buy into that argument you're more likely to notice opposing teams playing in the margin of the rules than you are the dominant teams.
And I'd argue that's what we're seeing take place in games that feature those teams, not an intentional bias in favor of them when it comes to the calls, if there is, in fact, any bias at all, but just a preconditioned perception of superiority that allows those situations to occur.
9. What the funnel is up with Chris Todd and Auburn? A thesis for you.
Early in the season I thought Gene Chizik was a miracle worker given his ability to make Todd a star, but now Todd looks incapable of leading his team to victory against anyone.
Okay, maybe Furman.
But I think Todd offers an interesting illustration of what happens in the SEC. The defenses catch up to and eclipse the offenses every year about this time in the season.
New thesis: the defensive SEC coaching staffs have become so good at what they do, that much like the NFL, merely being good at one or two things doesn't allow you to succeed on a consistent basis. You have to evolve during the season, and most offenses aren't that good at evolving. So Auburn's offense has been quashed. Same with Arkansas and Alabama and Florida. Same with virtually every team in the conference.
Don't believe me?
There are only two offenses in the top 30 in the SEC: Florida and Auburn. The latter is rapidly plummeting and will be outside the top 30 soon if things hold true.
10. I'm not sure I would have gotten out alive if the ref had called Alabama's Terrence Cody for excessive celebration after his blocked kick.
I had on orange pants. The refs would have been safe. Me? Not so much.
Look, I know he ripped his helmet off, and I know there has been a dispute about whether the penalty should have been called and what the impact would have been. The end result would have been negligible. But what if they'd called the penalty and misapplied the rule so that Tennessee re-kicked for the win?
Would you really be surprised if that happened?
Which leads me to this...
Meanwhile there are five defenses inside the top 22. Five! Florida is first, Bama is fourth, Tennessee is tenth, Ole Miss is 20th and LSU is 22nd.
Remember the old thesis that defenses were better than offenses when the season starts? The idea was that offenses would work into their rhythm and get better as the season progressed while defenses wouldn't? I think we might have flipped the cliche in the SEC, the defenses are quicker to react and shut down things that work offensively than they ever have been before.
Keep this in mind as the season progresses, because those dominant defenses perform well in bowl games. Offenses? Often, they don't.
11. Last, but not least, I give and I give and I give.
Wet phone survival tips.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
10-27-2009 @ 2:43AM
Austin said...
As a steelworker, I've seen guys leave cell phones on trucks that were going cross-country, in the rain, etc. One guy dropped his phone in a port-a-potty, and yes, he fished it out. No one would go within 30ft of him for well over a month. We did continually dye his gloves and hardhat blue, though.
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10-27-2009 @ 9:53PM
gab850 said...
Clay,
Nice column.
I have to comment on something you said in item 8: "...the officials, like many of us, have bought into the idea that Alabama and Florida are vastly superior teams to the rest of the conference. Once you buy into that argument you're more likely to notice opposing teams playing in the margin of the rules than you are the dominant teams. And I'd argue that's what we're seeing take place in games that feature those teams, not an intentional bias in favor of them when it comes to the calls, if there is, in fact, any bias at all, but just a preconditioned perception of superiority that allows those situations to occur."
I've been reading a plethora of news stories and blogs over the past 3 days about how the ratio of penalties between Bama and Tennessee PROVES the refs are conspiring to help Bama win. That's one theory.
If I understand you correctly, your theory is that the refs aren't *trying* to give Bama an edge when they throw flags -- they just can't help it because they're brainwashed into thinking "better" teams shouldn't get penalized.
I have to call bullsh*t on both theories.
Kiffin and other Tennessee partisans say there's no way that impartial refs could give the Vols 8 flags while Bama got only 1. However, aside from Cody's helmet, I haven't read anyone give specific examples of plays where a Bama penalty was overlooked or a penalty against UT was bogus. The lack of such examples helps disprove both theories. (Btw, I agree Cody should have drawn a flag, but it would have been rendered moot since it would have been a dead-ball foul after the play was over, so that one wouldn't matter anyway.)
Secondly, everyone seems to forget that only seven days earlier, Bama was called for a total of (wait for it) TEN penalties for 113 yards in the South Carolina game, while the Gamecocks got only five flags.
I just don't see the conspiracy or brainwash theories holding any water. Speaking of water, I need to put down my Blackberry now before I visit the men's room.
Later.
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