Starting 11: When a Wedding Causes a Football Separation

On Saturday, I didn't see a single snap of a single college football game. Not one. This has never happened before in my life. Instead I was an usher at my friend's wedding in Atlanta. This means that this week's ClayNation Starting 11 is going to be a primer on my day in a fall wedding.

The wedding featured a bride who had graduated from Auburn and a groom who had graduated from Kentucky. Are the alarm bells going off yet? The two teams played Saturday night. Seven of the 11 groomsmen and ushers graduated from Kentucky, all of the bridesmaids went to Auburn. The result was a near riot. But that comes in the future. First, the beginning.

9:30AM CT

Departure from Nashville. It's freezing. Seriously, freezing. It has to be the coldest Oct. 17 in the history of Tennessee. Another couple arrives to ride down to the wedding with us, my friend Kelly, and his girlfriend Erin. Kelly is also a groomsman. As we load up for the trip, my wife asks me to clear out the rear of the car so we can put the third seat down and someone can sleep on the way back.

I forget.

As we walk to the car, I realize this fact, and tell the other couple to say they asked me not to put down the third seat or clear out the trunk. We arrive at the car.

My wife immediately notices: "Clay! I told you to put down the third seat."

"They said we didn't need to do it." I nudge the other couple.

They both nod.

My wife narrows her gaze, fiery in my direction. "Did he tell you to say that?" she asks.

Kelly changes the conversation, "How come our tuxes cost $150?" he asks.

Interlude:

Has anyone ever had to pay $150 for a tux before? Here's a comparison. In 1999, oral sex cost $50 in Amsterdam. So a decade ago, you could leave the red light district with a smile on your face for $150. Now I can rent one tux to be an usher at a wedding?

Takeaway: The tuxedo rental business is insane. How are the margins this high for a 24-hour rental? Why isn't there an online tux rental place that FedExes you the tux, does away with the physical store location, and charges like $50?

Basically, why doesn't Amazon rent tuxes?

And if they do have physical stores, why are they such pussbuckets at these places? Do they really need your overarm measurement? Who am I, Tony Siragusa? How many people have ridiculous overarm measurements that change what size jacket they should be wearing?

And why are their hours so bad? The place in Nashville is only open from 10-5 every day.

10-5!

The bank is more convenient. I don't really have any reason to complain about this since I work from home, but my friend Kelly has to take off work to get measured for his tux.
Meanwhile, I tried to submit my measurements online. I'm a normal-sized guy. Give me a 34 waist, a 42 regular jacket, and I'm ready to go. Yet the measurements won't submit until I give an overarm measurement?

I entered seven feet. Or seven inches. I'm not really sure how that form worked.

10:15

I'm pulled over for speeding, going 90 in a 70. Bad news, it's a Tennessee state trooper. Worse news, my tags and registration are expired. Also, I don't have my insurance card in the car. Basically, all I have is my driver's license.

My wife fumes in the back seat. "I hope they don't arrest you," she says.

"If you did get arrested," Kelly says, "that would be pretty funny."

I attempt to make friends with the state trooper, a man with a shaved head, one working eye, and a slight stutter. My tax dollars at work.

"We're on our way ..."

He cuts me off. "Sign this, please."

In my entire life, I've only gotten away with speeding once after being pulled over. Why then? Because I had a Virgin Islands license plate on the car and the cop had no idea how to write me a ticket. I considered keeping the Virgin Islands plate for the next decade. The only time I ever wish I was a woman is every time I get pulled over for speeding.

Also, if a war happens.

Anyway, and I'm not making this up, the speeding ticket and other two violations add up to $784.48.

How is this not cruel and unusual punishment? People pay lower fines for murder.

Truly.

10:30

My wife has spent the past 15 minutes ridiculing my driving. She has been in two car accidents in the past year. But if I mention them, she gets very angry.

In one of them she totaled a car, in another "accident" she lightly bumped a car in front of her at a stop sign. There was not a scratch on their bumper, yet the entire family went to the hospital on a stretcher.

11:00

We stop for lunch. The best part of my day? The Mushroom Swiss Angus burger at McDonald's, number 14 on the value meal. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's the greatest sandwich in the history of fast food. It's like sex meets McDonald's ... aka Louisville basketball.

11:45

We plug in the GPS to check our time situation. After 10 minutes my wife says, "Uh oh." We're scheduled to arrive at 2:55.

The bus taking us to pictures departs the hotel at 3:00.

Now, we have to arrive, get changed into our tuxes, and depart in five minutes.

1:05 PM

Twenty minutes later, the time changes. We're now on the East Coast.

I hate the timezone change.

Firmly.

For my entire life as an adult, I'm only ever driving from the central time zone to the eastern time zone. I'm always losing an hour. And don't give me that crap about gaining it when you come back. I never need to rush back to something in the central time zone.

Nashville is fairly close to the time line. It gets dark early in winter, the sun goes down earlier in summer, basically the only thing worth gaining in the central time zone is an hour earlier late-night television. And now that I have a kid I'm too tired to stay up for that anyway. Plus, thanks to dawn arriving in Nashville at 4:55 every morning, he gets up as soon as the sun rises.

So, as you can see, even time is lined up against me.

1:15 PM

My iPhone is losing battery life, which means I may not have any ability to keep tabs on the scores. Two issues with the iPhone. A.) The battery life is shorter than a Wizard of Oz munchkin and B.) You can't read anything when you use the Internet browser. How do you zoom on Web pages if you don't have the app downloaded?

Yeah, it's great that there are 85,000 apps, but if you could just read a Web page by using the Internet browser you would need like 18 apps.

For instance, the only app I have that is designed to do anything other than read a Web page is paper football.

How is this not noted as a flaw?

1:15-2:50 now ET

My wife says, "Stop driving so fast." Repeatedly.

2:51

We exit near the hotel. The road to our hotel is only there because the Perimeter Mall is also there. The entire road, and this is the complete truth, is just a loop around the mall.

This is my issue with Atlanta, the entire city's road system seems to exist so you can reach a shopping center that didn't exist before.

We stop at eight consecutive lights, all bordering the mall. With this rate of speed, now I know what the immigrants felt like crossing the Atlantic.

2:57

Arrival at the hotel. I leave the car running and go digging through my bag for black socks. Unfortunately, I mistakenly brought blue socks.

With tiny penguins etched on them.

2:58

Kelly beats me to the hotel desk and gets his key first. Our tuxes are waiting in our rooms.

3:01

The desk clerk takes her time checking me in. I learn that the hotel has a free breakfast, something about Wi-Fi, and am tempted to strangle the clerk with my penguin socks.

Here's the only thing I've ever wanted other than a hotel room: a toothbrush in my hotel room. If you don't have toothbrushes, I couldn't care less about the other accoutrements.

In fact, a promise, the next hotel chain that starts providing disposable toothbrushes and toothpaste, I will stay in for the rest of my life.

3:06

I'm dressed in my tuxedo and nonchalantly waiting in the lobby as if I've been here all morning. Several other groomsmen arrive to inform me that Oklahoma and Texas, while poorly played, is currently tied at 13.

3:10

We all climb into the shuttle en route to the church. Beers are opened.

The groom says there is a television in the church but it doesn't work. "It's only for videos."

Videos of what?

3:15

The groom says there will be no televisions at the reception because the bride believes they would be a "distraction."

The Kentucky grads all groan.

Question: If millions of people choose to do something, i.e. attend or watch a football game, and 125 do something else, say, attend a wedding, doesn't that make the wedding the distraction?

3:31

Drinking inside the church is forbidden. So everyone stands on the curb outside and drinks. Kerry wins the BlackBerry, iPhone shuffle and becomes the first to report that Texas has beaten Oklahoma.

3:55

Florida and Arkansas are scoreless midway through the first quarter. We're seated in a large room with two televisions. A groomsman begins to work on obtaining a signal from the television.

"Who has a flat screen," he asks, "only to watch videos?"

4:05

We confirm the church has a flat screen only to watch videos. Arkansas leads 7-0 on Florida.

4:15

Picture time!

We take eight photographs. In one of them the groom is walking 10 feet ahead of us and we're supposed to chase him. It's only the second most homoerotic shot.

In the most homoerotic shot, the groom stands in front and everyone gets in a straight line behind him and raises their arms in different directions. "I promise it looks really cool," the photographer says.

Kelly shakes his head, "I don't know about you," he says, "but I'm opting out of the teabag shot."

4:25

Most of the groomsmen relocate to the parked bus and, in a silent effort to reclaim their manliness, begin drinking beers heavily.

There is also a flat-screen television on the bus.

But, you guessed it ... no satellite signal.

It's for videos or DVDs as well.

4:59

Outside the groom's room hangs a picture of Jesus that appears to focus on His nipple. I stand looking at the painting for a few seconds.

Another man passes, "You don't really think about Jesus' nipples that much until you see a picture like that," he says.

5:30

Florida leads Arkansas 13-10. Southern Cal is up two scores on Notre Dame. Virginia Tech is down to Georgia Tech.

My iPhone battery hangs perilously on the living side of electronic life, bars vanishing at a rapid rate.

5:35

" 'Can you keep up with the game during the service? ... Here's what you do, if Arkansas scores, give me a thumbs up, if Florida scores, flick me off.' Welcome to a Southern wedding."
We line up to begin ushering guests into the church. Things begin ominously, I take a woman's arm and her mentally handicapped daughter throws a screaming fit.

She pats me on the arm. "It's okay," she says.

As I walk down the aisle, I'm expecting to be tackled from behind. My mind is racing. What's protocol? I have to take the beating without resisting, right?

If I bleed do I owe more money for the tuxedo rental?

5:51

A grown man who shall remain nameless, but who does not have a BlackBerry or an iPhone pulls me aside when he sees me checking scores. "I hate Florida" he says.

I nod.

"Can you keep up with the game during the service?"

I nod again.

"Here's what you do, if Arkansas scores, give me a thumbs up, if Florida scores, flick me off."

Welcome to a Southern wedding ladies and gentlemen.

5:55

We take our seats in the pews. I silence my phone and set it on auto-refresh.

6:02

The bride is lovely.

6:04

Hot damn, Arkansas kicks a field goal to tie the score at 13. The priest has just told a five-minute story that involves a three-word punchline, "Aisle, change, hymn."

"I'll change him," get it!

Are you rolling yet? Priest humor is gold.

Seriously though, how are these homilies so bad at weddings? Think about this, if you did a 20-minute wedding forty times a year, couldn't you have a killer homily? I mean a story that either made people stand up and rend their garments from the emotional power or one that made people roll into the pew floor laughing?

Maybe even both?

I mean, you have enough practice to know what works, right?

Yet why are they all so bad?

6:25

My phone vibrates with a text message. It says only one word, "Petrino."

Moments later the score updates on my phone, Arkansas has scored on a 75-yard touchdown pass on third-and-17. It's 20-13 Hogs.

The wedding ends, the gentleman passes me in the aisle. I give him a thumbs up. He raises his eyebrows and smiles appreciatively.

6:45

Time for the after-wedding photos. The groomsmen and ushers gather in three rows of pews. All of us are madly hitting refresh on the Arkansas-Florida game.

Everyone is rooting for Arkansas.

Play by play spools out from different locations as people get updates at different rates of gametracker speed depending on a variety of factors. Everyone tries to be the first to update the latest play, it's like competitive sports reporting; we're all John Clayton.

My iPhone is running updates slower than everyone else so I take a chance on Twitter.

Paydirt.

I break the news that Arkansas misses a 38-yard field goal before anyone else. I feel like Cronkite delivering the news that Kennedy had died. "He missed it," I slowly intone.

"No!" scream eight voices in unison.

Predictably, after the miss, Florida goes down and scores. As each play is announced to the group, our faces become more dejected.

Our actual conversation after he made the field goal is unprintable on an upstanding-ish site like this, but it involved Jesus, Urban Meyer and a sex act that, impressively enough, has its own Wikipedia page.

7:45

The photos are finished. The groomsmen and ushers have been used for 15 minutes of photographs. We've been here for four hours.

In terms of efficiency, I feel like I'm in the law firm again.

Only then I would have billed for 8.6 hours.

We enter the bus and begin to drink heavily. The Kentucky fans all pull out their phones as kickoff nears. But, wait, the bridal party advances onto the bus singing:

War Eagle, fly down the field
Ever to conquer, never to yield
War Eagle, fearless and true,
Fight on you orange and blue
Go! Go! Go!
On to vict'ry, strike up the band
Hit 'em high, hit 'em low,
Stand up and yell, Hey!
War Eagle, win for Auburn,
Power of Dixie Land!

"I did not f'ing sign up for this," says a UK grad sitting across from me.

"I'm going to throw up," says another. "I hope we beat them by 50."

"I hope Gene Chizik dies," says yet another.

8:03

We arrive at the reception.

Kentucky is lining up for a field goal as we prepare to enter the event. Kentucky fans are madly hitting refresh.

At this point, I get distracted focusing on the Bourbon drinks. But no one says anything for a long time. Finally, I ask my friend Tardio what happened.

"Auburn blocked the kick and returned it for a touchdown," he says.

Kentucky football in a sentence.

8:15

We begin to drink inside the reception.

Heavily.

At some point, I learn that it's 14-7 Auburn at the half. "Should be 10-7 Kentucky," says Tardio.

9:20

I can't find four of the groomsmen.

Then my phone buzzes, "At Mellow Mushroom watching game. Come over."

They've walked across the parking lot to a restaurant. I contemplate leaving, but then get distracted by more drinks and Young MC's 1989 opus Bust a Move coming on.



Kelly's girlfriend, Erin, is six years younger than us. She stands watching us as we dance. "You don't know Bust a Move?" I ask.

"No," she says. "I was 4 in 1989."

1989 was Ken Griffey's rookie year, the magical No. 1 card in the Upper Deck set. There are people who can drink and don't remember this?

Time grows fuzzy.

At the finale of the song, Kelly suggests I attempt the splits.

So I do.

After this I forget about my intent to leave and watch the game.

10:15

The groom takes the mic. "I love you honey, but time for a score update. The Cats have a first-and-goal with under five minutes to play and the score tied 14-14."

Half the crowd erupts. The other half hisses.

Moments later comes the cheering. Kentucky has taken the lead 21-14. There is less than two minutes remaining from the Cats' first victory over Auburn since 1966.

10:45

Several groomsmen return from across the street and begin running around the reception hall doling out high fives like they have just won the Super Bowl. I know, it's happened, Kentucky has won at Auburn.

"Our best road win in decades," exults one Cat fan.

The groom takes the mic and leads the crowd in a cheer. "C-A-T-S, CATS, CATS, CATS," he screams.

Then he gives his bride a kiss.

My wife takes my arm amid the bedlam, "I'm so proud of you for not leaving to watch the games," she says.

I give her a kiss. "Weddings are so much more important than football," I say.