Is Kiffin Besting Meyer in Coaches' Spat?

Just when you thought Saturday's Florida-Tennessee game would end the Urban Meyer-Lane Kiffin feud for a few months, the coaches couldn't leave it well-enough alone.

Asked about Tennessee's game plan, Meyer responded: "When I saw them start handing the ball off, you didn't feel like they were going after the win. They wanted to shorten the game. I remember looking out there and there's 10 minutes left in the game and there's no no-huddle, they are down, I think it was 23-6, and [there's no] urgency."

Meyer then said that his team didn't play as well as anticipated because several players had the flu.

Cue Lane Kiffin.

"This offseason the commissioner made a big deal of renewing vows in terms of what we say about other teams and other players," the Tennesee coach said. "Obviously Urban feels he doesn't need to follow that. We won't say anything else."

After saying he would say nothing else, Kiffin couldn't help himself when asked about whether he was concerned about his team catching the flu. "We'll wait and see, and after we're not excited about our performance we'll tell you that everybody was sick."

Somewhere SEC commissioner Mike Slive is treating himself with the vapors. I picture Slive, who looks vaguely like a vampire who has been out in the daylight too long, lying with cold compresses placed on his face and hands while an underling waves an oversized fan, probably a giant peacock feather, as he rests on a settee.

"Are they at it again?" Slive asks tremulously.

"Yes, commissioner, this time it's about the flu."

"Dear Lord, the flu? Has neither man no decency? Fetch me my quill and ink."

Nope, commissioner, no matter what you do, the trash talk is not ending anytime soon. Especially not with ratings up 60% over last year's Florida-Tennessee game on CBS. Conflict sells, baby. Later in his conference call, Meyer went on to suggest that his team wasn't trying to win the game by an impressive margin, and Kiffin said he'd never accuse one team of trying not to to win and that he wished both teams played more than once a year because he'd like another crack at the Gators.

But here's the real surprise that's underlying all of these stories from Saturday. Kiffin had a smarter gameplan than Urban Meyer and I think that surprised Meyer. For all his bluster and big talk, Kiffin's game plan was remarkably conservative -- run the ball on offense and take away Florida's potential for big plays on defense. In so doing, Kiffin limited his team's weaknesses while restricting the other team's strengths. The only real way Tennessee could win this game was by scoring off Gator mistakes. And what's the best way to create mistakes? Make the opposing team run as many plays as possible against the best unit of your team, the Vol defense. If this game was a shoot-out, only one team would have been firing their weapon. And that team wouldn't have been Tennessee.

This brings up an interesting dichotomy, Kiffin's undisciplined off-field comments belie a team that is actually very disciplined and focused on game details. The upshot of Kiffin's gameplan was that Tennessee controlled how Saturday's game was played for the first time in five years.

I think that surprised Meyer. I really do.

And ultimately all the continued media attention has a rattled Meyer embracing a desert island fantasy. Meyer actually said this:

"If there's a way to do this, let's go move the Florida Gators to a deserted island somewhere and let's go play football and not worry about all this nonsense and just go play the game," Meyer said. "I've never seen anything like it this past week. You just try to shelter them and make sure they focus on what's important and not this silly nonsense."

This might be my favorite Meyer quote ever. Let's deconstruct this quote. What Urban wants:

A.) His team on a deserted island somewhere
B.) Where they can play football -- presumably against themselves since the island is deserted
C.) On the island they would not have to "worry about this nonsense," and ...
D.) Could just go play the game. Off the deserted island or on the deserted island?

Fantasy quotes like this confirm that if nothing else, Kiffin is in Meyer's head. How so? You've got a two-time defending national champion coach with the No. 1 team in the country, the best player in the country at quarterback, and he's wishing his team would get less attention.

And who's frustrating him? A guy with a lifetime head coaching record of 6-17.

Seriously, how ridiculous is this?

Somehow Kiffin has hit at Meyer's vulnerability: He doesn't like to be questioned about anything. We've seen this before. Remember when Shane Matthews questioned Meyer's play-calling and Florida threatened to banish him from all things Gator? Now Meyer's just beaten Tennessee by 10 points and Papa Smirk Kiffin has got him all flustered again. You get the feeling that Meyer's just one step away from publicly announcing that he will never mention Kiffin's name again.

But that's in the future; until then, Meyer has to win nine more games and fight the expectation battle with his team. Unless, that is, they head off for the deserted island -- Robinson Crusoe meets Lost in football pads. So I've provided Meyer with a handy list of excuses for each team on the Gator schedule. Fail to perform up to expectations? No worries. Just consult this list for the post-game press conference talking points.

Sept. 26 at Kentucky

"Tim Tebow is afraid of horses because once in the Philippines he saw a horse fall into the ocean after stumbling on loose dirt. I don't know how you could possibly expect a man to play well when he's got such a strong case of equinophobia and there are horses all around us here. All of you disgust me; we don't make a big deal of it, but equinophobia is real, it impacts him. You jerks wouldn't understand that because you all ride side-saddle anyway."

Oct. 10 at LSU

Meyer addressing team's last-second field goal victory. "I want y'all to know what we heard from the CDC before we got here -- that Baton Rouge in general and LSU in particular recently incubated a new virus, herpes that spreads via sneezing. That's why we played underneath the protective canopy on the sideline and why our players wore spacesuits. Everybody knows that it's easier to fumble when you play in a spacesuit. But herpes is for life. And I'll be damned if we're all going back to Gainesville and spreading any more herpes around campus than this team has already spread."

Oct. 17 vs. Arkansas

"People in Arkansas are dirty and they spend a lot of time around swine. That's their prerogative. If you have a Florida degree you don't have to spend time around pigs, that's a benefit. If it was up to me that state would not exist. So we didn't tackle very well because I was concerned about the swine flu spreading. And earlier in the week Brandon Spikes came up to me and said, 'Coach, is it OK if we tackle using our helmets instead of our arms?; And I told him, 'Yes, of course. They're dirty.' So the close game is on me. Also, the fifty points they scored. If you want to be really honest, give forty of them to the pigs."

Oct. 24 at Mississippi State

"I apologize in advance for the fact that my team didn't arrive on time. In fact, we missed the first quarter and fell behind 14-0. Thankfully, fumbled snaps led State to punt four times. We should have arrived on time, but the pilot just kept flying around in a circle trying to find Starkville. Eventually I telephoned Dan Mullen and he set downtown Starkville on fire so we could find the place. That worked OK, except we initially landed at Billy Ray Mullen's brush-fire. Which I apologize for. The brush fire and the town burning sent off similar amounts of smoke."

Oct. 31 vs. Georgia

"First, before any questions, are asked, I'd just like to say, there's no way my team could have been expected to play well today. Not with the slutty Halloween costumes that girls wear. My team was unfocused. Have you ever seen so much bosoms and behind? In my day, there wasn't so much bosoms and behind."



Nov. 7 vs. Vanderbilt

"Vanderbilt last beat Florida in 1066. Some of you may remember that's when Guillaume le Conquerant took England for France. You tell me, how you get a team fired up to play when they've won for nine-hundred and forty-three consecutive seasons. Every now and then you're going to have a letdown. It happens."

Nov. 14 at South Carolina

After a loss to Steve Spurrier and South Carolina: "My guys were really upset with Mike Vick's dogfights. And I think it's just, hold on a minute, I'm choking up, really a damn shame that we countenance the Gamecock mascot. That's not just a bird, man, that's an animal. A real, live animal with a beating heart. Do you breathe? I breathe, it breathes, and we let them breed these birds to fight. I think it's a sad, sorry sign of where our society is that you can even ask me about a game when there are animals out there dying every day. Excuse me." Muffled crying sounds. Shelley Meyer escorts him out of the room.

Nov. 21 vs. Florida International

"This one is on me. When the guys saw this game on the schedule, they thought we were going to Cancun for the weekend. I should have picked up on the signs earlier. Jeff Demps bought a pet monkey and Chris Rainey started wearing a coconut bra during practice. Joe Haden said he was saving up money so he could buy off the police if he got arrested. Again, the signs were there, I apologize for missing them. Turns out Florida International is a real place. Who knew?"

Nov. 28 vs. Florida State

"I know we were supposed to win this game by 20 points, but Bobby Bowden is old. I didn't want that on my conscience if he died on the sideline. I just didn't. Every time I look at Bobby Bowden I can only think about two things: national championships and liver spots. And today, by God, I focused on the liver spots. I didn't want him dying out there in the Swamp. I'm not putting that on my conscience. No sir."