In War of Words, Kiffin Already the Victor

At some point Tuesday, the line for the Tennessee-Florida game passed 30. Think about that for a second. Thirty points!

That is the biggest underdog the Volunteers have been in any game in the modern era. The only teams playing football anywhere in the country that are bigger dogs than Tennessee this weekend are Rice and North Texas. They're playing at Oklahoma State and at Alabama. For Florida fans, the huge line is early payback for Lane Kiffin's brazen talk in the offseason, prelude to the time when he comes to understand what The Swamp is all about.

But for the nation at large, Kiffin's talked this game into his favor. How? Lose and it's expected. Merely cover the spread and he emerges as a victor of sorts, he's avoided the horrid beating so long predicted. When can you last remember that being the case? That Tennessee could lose to Florida, and so long as they do it in a respectable manner, the losing coach wins?

Welcome down the rabbit hole of college football expectations, where perception governs reality. Kiffin is Brer Rabbit and he lives in the briar patch.

Meanwhile, Kiffin's comments have gotten so much attention that it's worth asking if a coach's words have ever moved the line more significantly in college football history. But the truth is this, no matter how much bluster gets published about Florida having a bee in its bonnet and no matter what Lane Kiffin had said in the offseason, Tennessee was going to be a three-touchdown underdog in this game. They just were.

After all, in 2001, Tennessee went into the Swamp as the nation's No. 5 team taking on the No. 2 Gators. Pretty even match-up, right? Nope, the Vols were an 18-point underdog, even on a team with future NFL All-Pros Albert Haynesworth, John Henderson, Donte Stallworth and Jason Witten. With a team Phil Fulmer called the best he ever coached at Tennessee going against a Florida team that probably isn't as good as this year's edition, the Vols were picked to lose by almost three touchdowns.

So even with a team on par with Florida headed into the Swamp, Tennessee can be a heavy underdog. When it's a rebuilding program with a head case at quarterback going up against against a national championship contender with a saint at quarterback, why should there be any surprise the line is as large as it is?

As for the idea that Florida typically treats Tennessee with kid gloves, like a little brother who wanted to wrestle, it's completely wrong. Florida has always tried to choke Tennessee into submission and would've tried again even if the coach was Mother Theresa reincarnate (also known as Mike Shula). I know, I was at the 59-20 game when Meyer scored 21 fourth-quarter points to run up the score in 2007.

Add in the loss to UCLA last weekend and the talent disparity between the teams and 30 points doesn't quite seem that far out of reach, even before Kiffin made his quip about singing Rocky Top all night long in Gainesville.

So when you get right down to it, what's the actual value of Lane Kiffin's talk? The foot-in-the-mouth transgression columnists have equated to calling down the thunder?

Three or four points, a field goal in the spread, hardly the fire-and-brimstone differential everyone is talking about.

But what Kiffin has managed to do is stir up Florida's fan base so much that they're going to be using a cannon to kill a fly. All the Gators need to do to win this game is grab a flyswatter, lean over and smash the Vols. But that isn't good enough anymore, the Gator blood is up, they're demanding complete and total evisceration of all things orange. The same is true across the country, people are tuning in on Saturday because they're expecting to see carnage of a Biblical scale, Meyer turning to the television screen, baring his fangs above his absent chin, and every male child under the age of six dying at once in the state of Tennessee.

Anything less and the expectations don't live up to the hype. All Lane Kiffin has to do is stay within four touchdowns of the Gators and he wins the perception battle. He's Sarah Palin -- a great analogy by Tim Brando -- entering the first Vice-Presidential debate. The bar has been set so low that Kiffin can't help but clear it. Don't believe me? How would you react to a 35-7 loss for the Vols? That's 28 points. Only five times since this series started play in 1916 has one team beaten the other team by that many points.

Yet, this year, that's not enough to make real news, is it?

The main storyline out of the game would be Kiffin surviving to fight another day. And, yet, even with all that said, Tennessee fans are really nervous as the week nears.

Talk to a Tennessee fan about Saturday's game and most acknowledge that they won't be seen publicly while watching it. This isn't a gather 'round and watch the game with your best group of friends while eating nachos and pounding beers kind of game; this is a bar the door, turn off the cell phone, unplug the computer, crank open a bottle of whiskey without showering or shaving, hunker down on the ground in front of the television and beg for good things to happen. It's kind of like being on death row and waiting to see whether your appeal for a stay and DNA testing will be granted. It might end well, but there ain't anything fun about it.

All over the Volunteer state, tumbleweeds are going to be blowing through sports bars. It's the Volpocalypse ... maybe.

So having broken down the expectations game I wouldn't be honest if I didn't bring you the Volunteer state of mind as kickoff nears. Here's nine ways Tennessee fans are preparing for the Florida game.

1. Rooting for odd weather patterns to emerge.

The fact that rain might materialize on Saturday has been the fervent hope of Vol fans. Exactly why is uncertain. It's almost like everyone has already forgotten what EDSBS termed the "Braveheart game" in the rain against Florida State last year. If I'm Florida I like my chances with Tim Tebow on any continent on earth, weather patterns be damned.

Antarctic blizzard?

Tebow's blood doesn't freeze.

Advantage Gators.

2. Trying to make Jonathan Crompton think the actual game is practice.

For whatever reason Crompton is a practice all-star. In an effort to reverse the karma of game collapses, I think Kiffin should put Tennessee's defense in Florida Gator jerseys and uniforms this fall. It doesn't make sense that Crompton can perform against Tennessee's top-ranked defense in practice, but falls apart when lesser defenses take the field.

Incidentally, Kiffin said that Tennessee fans were overcome with hatred for Jonathan Crompton yesterday. I think he misspoke. Tennessee fans don't hate Crompton, we're just resigned to Crompton's failings. There's a big difference. Watching Crompton play quarterback is what I picture sex is like for 60-somethings who have been married four decades: everyone doing the act is pretending someone else is involved.

3. Hoping the Rapture arrives.

Everyone might not ascend to the heavens, but it would be the biggest upset this side of the Miracle on Ice if Tebow didn't move skyward.

Urban Meyer won't even blink. Or levitate. "Get me Brantley," he'll say.

4. Wearing the white UT shirt with the tiny T over the left lapel, then carrying a fanny pack full of whiskey over our left shoulders.

Prediction: There will be more white and blue among the UT faithful at the game than ever has been seen before. Also, people making the long trip to Gainesville are true fans. It's easy to go on the road when you think your team is going to win, much more difficult to go on the road and watch an expected bloodbath.

Right now, Tennessee fans en route to Florida are like Christians volunteering to meet the lions in ancient Rome.

5. Dreaming about UT tackling Brandon James before he reaches the end zone for the first time in James' career.

No one else mentions this, but are you aware that Brandon James is attempting to pull off a punt return for a touchdown in four consecutive years against the same team? He did it in 2006 (It was called back for a phantom penalty), and he did it on the scoreboard in 2007 and 2008.

Let's be clear, this is more impressive than Babe Ruth calling his shot and every bit as astounding as Usain Bolt's speed.

The punt return for a touchdown is one of the rarest of feats on the football field. And James has pulled it off three consecutive years. If he does it for a fourth year in a row no Volunteer fan will be surprised, but James should get all the credit in the world. It's truly unprecedented in today's college football universe.

If he does this, I'm writing an entire column about him next week where I try to place into context how amazing this athletic feat is.

6. Kind of halfway hoping that Lane Kiffin calls Urban Meyer and offers to forfeit to save on the cost of gas.

Even better, what if Kiffin called up and claimed he was nervous about taking his players into a hurricane-prone area? The press conference would be classic.

Reporter: "Coach Kiffin, no one else has a hurricane on the radar. The National Weather Service isn't reporting any danger, where is your information coming from?"

Kiffin: "I trust my meteorologist, you should trust your meteorologist too. If we all trusted meteorologists more, OK, the world would be a better place, OK."


7. Looking at Vol freshman wide receiver Nu'Keese Richardson and thinking, "You were really worth all this?"

So far, here are Nu'Keese Richardson's stats in two games: Three catches for 30 yards, one rush for eight yards. He's also returned four punts for a total of 36 yards.

The UT crowd coos Nuuuuuu, while he prepares to return kicks. This has to be the most over-extensive cheering for one player that I've ever seen, the little league basketball equivalent of naming your white point guard son Allen Iverson (insert your last name) and bouncing up on and down on the sideline screaming, "Hit him with the killer cross, Allen, hit him," while pounding "The Answer" tattoo on your left bicep.

You'll recall that it was Richardson signing with UT and rejecting Florida at the last moment that set Kiffin off on his "Urban Meyer cheated" charade. From there, things escalated to a latter day football version of the Trojan War with Nu'Keese adopting the role of Helen of Troy.

Yep, Nu'Keese is the apostrophe that launched a thousand ships.

8. Suggesting that CBS make a run at the primetime television market in the Phillipines and move kickoff to 3:30 AM ET.

I read the other day where most of the orphans that Tebow circumcised have never seen him play. I thought this was a travesty of epic proportions. The least they should receive for giving up their foreskin is a chance to see Tim Tebow toss around the pigskin.

It's time to make Manila proud. Move the time for the game CBS, move it.

9. Refusing to touch the line even though we're 30 point underdogs.

Generally on a spread this big, with two huge fan bases, the line moves down. instead this line has moved higher since opening at 28.5.

The only thing worse than losing by more than 30, is starting off with 30 points in your pocket, losing by more than 30, and having to explain to your wife how you lost the money.

Time to hunker down boys, a storm is brewing, even if it's only metaphorical.


Clay Travis is the author of three books. His latest, "On Rocky Top: A Front Row Seat to The End of an Era chronicles the 2008 Tennessee football season," is on sale now.