'Is Tim Tebow a Virgin?' and Other Burning Questions for SEC Media Days

Wednesday, the annual circus known as the SEC Media Days kicks off in Birmingham, Ala. As college football has become a year-round sport, the three media days down in Birmingham have become the official launch date for SEC football fans, a time when our region's football obsession officially begins anew. Even if, you know, it never actually dies. Last season then-Tennessee coach Phil Fulmer arrived and was immediately served with a subpoena in a lawsuit brought by my favorite people on Earth: disassociated Alabama boosters. Getting disassociated from the Alabama football program is like being the only guy in a prison who no one will share a table with.

This season, 25 radio stations will be broadcasting live from inside the event, and over 800 members of the media have been credentialed. It's like Woodstock for people who use the word, goll-durn. And we'll be there for the ride. Goll-durn.
What will I be doing? Liveblogging away with y'all. You can minimize your screens at work and come hang out with us. Because, trust me, I know you don't really care about work when media days arrive. You're just pretending. No one will know. Your secret is safe with us. So is the fact that you don't really care about work when media days aren't going on either. That's why you've already spent 45 minutes this morning searching, "Erin Andrews video."

You pervert.

Here's a list of the 24 players that will be appearing to field questions along with the times that the teams will be appearing over the next three days. Note that Lane Kiffin was given the last time-slot on Friday. Is this to keep his comments from overshadowing everyone else's and in hopes that whatever he says floats into the weekend oblivion? I think so.

Below are 10 burning ClayNation questions that need to be asked in advance of media days. By the way, we need a phrase that's better than "burning questions." That sounds like something your doctor asks after a long weekend in Bangkok. So shoot me your ideas.

Here goes:

1. Is Tim Tebow a virgin?

I think everyone is afraid to ask, but wouldn't this be the ultimate testament to his religious faith? Even if you accept that your average Florida girl is carrying six-to-eight extra pounds of fat on her arms, how many women would Tebow have turned down carnal relations with over the past three years of college? Fortunately, I know.

3,468,946,253.

Yep, Tebow turned down your Mom!

And my mom.

And if he wasn't a virgin wouldn't this at least prove that Tim Tebow has violated a Bible verse? Something that, to be honest, there is no evidence of thus far. Put it this way, if Tebow got shot and we all thought he was dead, and then he came back to life, wouldn't you be convinced that Revelations was unspooling before your eyes? (And, if so, would you expect the disciples to be wearing jorts?)

2. Will Les Miles prove he's a bona fide long-term fit at LSU, or will this be the season when he demonstrates that a temperament consisting of equal parts insanity and supreme self-confidence doesn't work in the SEC?

Miles went 19-5 in the SEC his first three years with an SEC and national title. But then he went 3-5 last season, equaling the SEC losses that he put up in his first three seasons combined. As if that weren't enough, the LSU defense imploded, allowing over 50 points to Georgia and Florida and going 3-5 in the final eight games of the regular season.

The Tigers rebounded to smoke Georgia Tech in the bowl game, but was that indicative of what's to come or was the preceding eight weeks more representative of what LSU has become? We'll know soon.

Secondary question, how much less fearsome would Les Miles be if he went by his given name, Leslie? Is he even a head coach right now? I mean that honestly. Do you think someone gave him advice on this years ago? The name Leslie standing alone probably disqualifies him from coaching everywhere in the SEC except Vanderbilt.

3. Is the SEC still Southern?

I'm going to write on this later this week, but in an era when non-Southerners like Urban Meyer, Bobby Petrino, Lane Kiffin, Dan Mullen, and Nick Saban (although my editor says West Virginia is like Mississippi in the mountains) are five of the most recent seven hires in the SEC, what percentage of coaches would use the word fixin' or y'all and not sound like they were doing it to fit in? Like politicians who develop accents as soon as they leave Washington.

Everyone but Spurrier is my call.

In the ultimate kick in the groin to Southern regionalism, have we outsourced our coaching to the rest of the country?

4. Does Dan Mullen ever watch Mississippi State practice and think to himself, "Dear Lord, what have I done?"

I know that getting an offer to become a head coach is tough to pass up, but why would you leave Florida before this year? You have the potential to be associated with a three-time national championship winning team, lock down another SEC title, and further burnish your credentials as offensive coordinator by coaching Tebow for another year of offensive explosions.

Or you can take over the only SEC football team with an all-time losing record. And, oh by the way, the last SEC title the team has won? 1941.

Isn't this an easy decision? Or does Mullen worry that he's never going to get a head job because everyone will believe that Tebow's success carried Mullen's offense.

Regardless, I guess it could be worse, Mullen could have been ridiculously successful as a coordinator for 10 years and not gotten a head job because he was black and married a white woman. (See, Strong, Charlie)

5. Of John Chavis at LSU, Gus Malzahn at Auburn, and Monte Kiffin at Tennessee, which highly paid, highly touted coordinator hire will have the most early success?

There will be a ton of focus on Auburn's Gene Chizik, Tennessee's Lane Kiffin, and Mississippi State's Mullen, but arguably the three men hired as big-money and big-name coordinators will have more impact on the first-year results of their teams than the head coaches will. Now, down the road the head coaches have more influence, but in a one-year context I think a real argument can be made that coordinators have more impact. Put it this way, if Tommy Tuberville and Phil Fulmer don't hire Tony Franklin and Dave Clawson as offensive coordinators, are they both still coaching at their schools?

I think so.

Given that premise, who will be the most successful? Here's a vote for Chavis. While LSU loses three of their starters on their defensive line, they return the guys in the secondary who were so awful and the linebackers as well. They'll be improved. More importantly, Chavis will instill an attitude that doesn't allow consistent failure. I still think Auburn will be awful on offense even under Malzahn and I still think Tennessee will be good on defense. But LSU will go from awful to solid in the first year under Chavis.

6. How badly could Florida play and still win the league?

I said this last week, and I firmly believe it. Florida is better than the rest of the SEC by a greater margin than any team in the SEC in my lifetime. Florida, in 1996, the year they won the national championship, was dominant, but the second-tier teams were better. This year? Even if you buy Ole Miss as a top-10 team (which I don't), there isn't anyone else within hailing distance.

There hasn't been much attention paid to this issue, but it might be better for the SEC's league image if someone hangs a loss on Florida. Maybe. As it now stands, write this in: the Gators are going to be double-digit favorites in every game they play this season. Including the SEC championship game and Oct. 10 at LSU.

In fact, look at the Gators schedule, and tell me where the upset is coming.

Has any SEC school ever been favored for an entire season by double digits? I doubt it. In fact, there have only been two teams in the past decade to march through the SEC without a loss, Tennessee in 1998 and Auburn in 2004. Both of these teams came out of nowhere to go undefeated. This year, not so much.

Florida may lose a game in the league, but if they do, it will be a bad loss.

7. Who will be the third and fourth best quarterbacks in the SEC?

As noted last week, Kentucky's Mike Hartline and South Carolina's Stephen Garcia tied as the coach's picks for third-team quarterback. I think neither of these guys will actually end up being the third best quarterback in the league. Who are my picks instead?

First, Ryan Mallett at Arkansas. Why? Because Bobby Petrino managed to get Casey Dick to throw for almost 2,600 yards last season. (If you've ever seen Casey Dick throw, this will make more sense to you. Picture your four-year old daughter. Then imagine you just made her carry a block of granite for 10 city blocks. Then ask her to throw. Bingo: Casey Dick's arm strength.) Mallet will go for over 3,000 in a much-improved offense. Book it.

Second, Jonathan Crompton at Tennessee. Don't laugh. The Vols' new Tecmo Super Bowl offense -- four pass plays, four run plays -- may not be complicated, but it will be efficient. Crompton bore the brunt of the criticism for Tennessee's collapse last year, but in reality the entire offense stunk. Every player, no matter their position, was awful. Even with the putrid stench that was Tennessee's offense 2008, Crompton threw for 889 yards and four touchdowns in six starts. Those were better stats than Garcia. And Crompton will have more weapons on offense and a better returning offensive line than Garcia or Hartline.

8. According to the Golden Nugget casino, Florida is currently favored by 27 points over Tennessee for their game Sept. 19 in Gainesville. How much of this line is directly attributable to Lane Kiffin's comments?

Further, have a head coach's comments ever swung a line this much? And by this question, I mean comments that are entirely based on off-field issues and not a press conference where a head coach announces that he's suspending a star player, that someone is injured or that someone just molested a fowl (We haven't forgotten about you, South Carolina).

I don't think so.

Putting this line into context, it's the biggest underdog that Tennessee has been in over three decades. Maybe ever. Nice work, Lane.

9. Is Georgia defensive coordinator Willie Martinez the worst defensive coordinator in the league? And will Mark Richt be forced to make a change there after this season?

Last year Georgia's defense gave up 40 touchdowns. You might not have noticed if you live outside the state of Georgia because most of the attention was gobbled up by Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno on offense. Georgia scored an awful lot of points last season. But as good as their offense was, their defense was just as bad.

How bad?

Kentucky hung 38 on Georgia. Alabama put up 41. LSU nailed down 38. Florida snatched 49, and in the final hobnailed boot to the groin, Georgia Tech came into Sanford Stadium and scored 45 points. The latter was particularly painful, because it came after a bye week when the defense should have been able to prepare for Georgia Tech's offense.

Bulldog fans will hate me for saying it, but Georgia right now has an awful lot of similarities with Tennessee before the wheels came off in 2005. They've been winning close games under Richt for a long time. But what if they get a few bad bounces this coming year? The offense isn't there to rescue them. Change one play in the Kentucky, South Carolina, and Auburn games and the Bulldogs slide from 9-3 in the regular season to 6-6. That's with last year's offense.

Is Martinez the Randy Sanders of Georgia football? Richt's first fall guy?

We'll see.

10. Finally, we want your questions. We'll feature the best. Or at least I'm told by my fearless editor that this is possible. I have no idea how it will work. But it should be fun. Submit them in the comments section.