Urban Meyer's Rejected Discipline Ploys

Over the weekend, the Florida Gator brain trust decided one way to respond to the 24 football player arrests in the past four years was to send the football team on ride alongs with the local Gainesville police. The theory, apparently, is that if players can see what police do on a daily basis from the front seat of a police cruiser they'll be more likely to stay out of the back seat.

Of course, it also makes it more likely that the police will know the name of the player they happen to be arresting. So everybody wins.

The ride-along gambit is the latest salvo fired by Urban Meyer in response to recent media inquiry's into the state of his program. While I don't believe that any Florida fans really care that much about the arrests, the effort to keep Gators out of the slammer is much appreciated, at least from everyone not making a living on the criminal defense bar in Gainesville.

Prior to the recent onslaught of attention, Meyer quietly disciplined those players who were arrested, dismissing the most egregious offenders and allowing second (or third) chances for those who hadn't run that far afoul of the law. As Meyer and the Gators embark upon their quest for a third national title in four years, uneasy is the head that wears the coaching headset.

Surrounded on all sides by challengers, Meyer has revealed himself to be a prickly champion, more cantankerous in victory than defeat. As Meyer's victories have piled up he's been quick to overreact to any perceived antagonists, be they in the coaching ranks, Lane Kiffin, or in the ranks of Gators past, Shane Matthews. Now he seems fixated on what he believes is a misperception about the Gator football team, namely that they're all thugs. He's marshaled the tremendous might of Florida Gator public relations. Unfortunately, they flubbed the talking points. "The 24 arrests," one talking point states, "represent 19 different players." Whew! That's a relief.

Later Gator PR helpfully broke down the arrests by recruiting class:

"Eight in first class
Seven in second class
Two in third class
One in fourth class
None in fifth class"

Did they really need to include the fifth class? Those players signed in February. Most of them have been on campus for a week or two at most. A few of them hadn't even graduated from high school yet when this statement was released. For the love of God, give them some time!



Florida's brilliant PR system might as well have gone ahead and included the sixth and seventh recruiting classes. They also haven't been arrested yet. Of course they won't be able to sign scholarship papers until February 2010 and February 2011, but if you combine the three classes from 2009-2011, Florida has zero arrests. See, this is all just a big misunderstanding.

And, by the way, is it really a statistical surprise that the longer you've spent on campus the more likely you are to be arrested? Because that's basically what these stats show.

Notwithstanding our tremendous misunderstanding about the Gator football team, Meyer's new get-tough approach of letting players ride around in police cars and run the siren at red lights will work wonders on team discipline. It better. Because thanks to my impeccable contacts within the Florida Gator program, I can report the list of potentially draconian discipline methods that Meyer is prepared to adopt if things don't change in a hurry.

1. Watch Tim Tebow circumcise Europeans studying abroad at Florida. The University of Florida is the second best academic institution in the SEC (which is kind of like being the second smartest kid repeating third grade, but, still, credit where credit is due.) As such, Europeans flock to the school. Where they come face to face with Tim Tebow's scalpel.

2. The Congresswoman Corrine Brown Memorial Internship. Of late, Corrine Brown has proven herself quite the scholar and orator, first with her "gradulations" to Corch Urban Meyer (or perhaps Irvin Myer and quarterback Tim Tivo) and lately with her scene-stealing role while wearing an Orlando Magic jersey alongside Congresswoman Maxine Waters. Honestly, the fact that only 64,000 people combined have watched these two videos is a crime against humanity, one every bit as bad as Brown being elected to Congress multiple times. As Brown's intern you will be responsible for reviewing every public statement she makes and correcting the grammar. Also, four-times weekly hair appointments.

3. Force the players to transfer to South Carolina and play for Steve Spurrier. Right now, Spurrier is like the Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino. He's old, angry and embittered, and probably spends most of his time in the garage polishing his old trophies. The only difference is Eastwood's character never won the Heisman. I'm not sure what Spurrier's grand exit is going to be, but I think it's going to be every bit as explosive as the final scene of this movie. If you haven't seen Gran Torino? Well, this number will make less sense. Go back and watch Corrine Brown again. You know you want to.

4. If you have an illegitimate child, you have to raise it and pay child support. This is why Florida native Travis Henry went to Tennessee. Because he heard a rumor Spurrier was going to institute this rule.

5. Ban sleeveless T-shirts in the football offices. Meyer was thinking about hair gel, but then Tebow would have been penalized too severely. This way the pain falls equally on the team. Meyer: "You know how serious firing an AK-47 on a public street is? You have to wear sleeves. That's how serious, it is." Team groans as one.

6. Rub ointment on Bobby Bowden's liver spots: Some people believe that Florida and Florida State have a poor relationship. That's not true. Meyer is always looking out for ways to honor his elders. Like when he sent a birthday card to Bobby Bowden last year that said, "You're old, and I've already got as many national championships as you. Loser." Bless his heart, that was so thoughtful.

7. No guns on road trips. Some of those five-star hotels are rough, man. You have no idea who might step to you. Asks tailback and NRA disciple Chris Rainey, "What's next, our throwing stars?"

8. No matter how long it takes, you have to correctly spell Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and, that's not all, you have to be able to locate Iran on a blank map. To be fair, I'm still not sure I spelled his name correctly. And I've been watching CNN for three years and I still can't pronounce his name correctly either. I'm not going to lie, this is pretty strict.

9. He's set the score limit at 84 for the Tennessee game. "I know I told y'all we were going to hit 100 on Sept. 19, but you need to learn. So we can only score 84. See, life is all about hard lessons. Like, don't punch women."

10. Suspensions for the Charleston Southern game. Nothing says I care about discipline like suspending a member of the national championship team for their home-opener against a Baptist college that enrolls 3,000 students. Tough love men, tough love.