It's come to this, Alabama fans are tailgating outside of a new play based on Bear Bryant's life. Which is an improvement over what they would have been doing if Mike Shula was still coach, lighting themselves on fire with their red and white pom-pons in the parking lot. The play, entitled Bear Country, will be playing at Birmingham's Shakespeare Festival from August 6-20. It's already debuted to rave reviews and sellouts in Montgomery, Ala. In honor of the Bear, I decided that nothing would make more sense than a play about four fans tailgating before Bear's play begins. So here goes. Characters:
Dale -- A 45-year old owner of an auto-body repair shop who fixes cars while wearing a houndstooth cap. His first child was named Bear, his second was named Bryant. He is now divorced.
Bryant -- The 21-year-old son of Dale. Enrolled at Alabama for one semester but left to focus on wakeboarding and selling pot.
Chris -- A 42-year-old Alabama fan who operates a wrecker at Dale's repair shop. Never married. Secretly keeps a shirtless photo of Nick Saban in his bedroom.
Raj --- Indian immigrant from Mumbai who owns a gas station next door to Dale. He has lived in Alabama for 28 years and currently roots for Auburn although he "likes Alabama too."
Scene:
All four men are sitting in crimson folding chairs outside of Dale's crimson red F-150 with vanity plates that read "Bamaboyz." Each man is holding a beer as the final hour before the play nears.
Dale: This play's gonna be so awesome. Awesome, man! I almost went to a play once but it was called "Jesus Christ Superstar" it was anti-religion.
Raj: What about the play was anti-religion?
Chris: Raj, you wouldn't get why it was so offensive. See, Jesus is not a Superstar, he's Jesus. Which is so much more than being a superstar. Like, would you go see a play that was called Hindu Is a Superstar?
Raj: What?
Chris: Hell, you don't even eat steak, what am I trying to make points to you for? Roll Tide, roll.
Dale: That's alright Raj, you're just a dumb ole 'Barner. You can take us to go see Gene Chizik's play someday.
Bryant: Dad, we say RTR now. (His cell phone buzzes. A text message arrives.) Nick Saban just sent me a tweet.
Raj: What does it say?
Bryant: I'm Nick Saban and I tweet. RTR!
Dale: Nick Saban is a goll-durned genius. Do y'all remember when we hired him and I said that? I did, I said that right there. I said, Nick Saban is a goll-durned genius. Am I right?
Chris: No, no, you're right. You said it. (High fives). Can you imagine how many recruits we're going to get today? Right now recruits all over America just got a tweeter from Nick Saban. And they probably all got all tight in the britches just like I did. Hell, even Raj did and he's a durn 'Barner. Raj, why'd you come anyway? If Bryant's girlfriend could travel across state lines, she'd be here right now instead.
Dale: She's a hot piece of tail. Looks like David Palmer mixed with Leigh Tiffin. With lady lumps.
Chris: Christ, that's hot.
Bryant: Her probation is up in a few months. Then she'll be able to come back to God's Country. Right now she's stuck in Louisiana. When she gets back, we're gonna head back up to Tuscaloosa and sell more pot. Lots of pot. I'm gonna get rich and go to the LSU game ... lower level. Sometimes, I think I shouldn't have run when we got pulled over.
Dale: Hindsight is 30-30 Bryant. Hell, Bear Bryant ran the wishbone one season too long. And he's sitting by Jesus' right arm right now drawing up plays for the angels to run during practice. Little angel football players scoring touchdowns. It'll work out.
Raj: I came because you gave me the tickets! You said, I don't have any friends, do you want to go? So I'm here. Bears are mystical creatures where I come from. When I came to Alabama, Bear Bryant had just died. I wondered why this giant of a man who was always drunk and spoke in mumbles was such a hero to a state. Now I know. He is like a plaid Jesus.
Dale: Goll durn, that's eloquent for a 'Barner. Gene Chizik is like a Pontius Pilate that can't recruit. He-haw. I'm just funnin' with you Raj. I'm sure Pat Dye will get a play. (Giggles).
Raj: You're very funny.
Chris: I just hope they let Bear talk about all of his 63 national championships. It's really amazing, he doesn't get the credit he deserves. Man coaches for 38 years and wins 63 national championships. The math don't even add up.
Dale: Bear Bryant won one more bowl game than he lost too. You know how hard that is to do? Play in 29 bowls and win 15 of them? I've been saying for a long time that we need to build a Tower of Babel of Coach Bryant. Right there beside the stadium. Biggest statue ever built. So you could see it all the way from Huntsville.
Chris: That's a great idea.
Dale: You could ride to the top of the statue and walk out on the houndstooth cap and you'd be able to see all the way to the moon. Kids would see what's important in life. Football.
Bryant: We could call it the Taj Ma-Bear. Right, Raj?
Dale: Damn, that's smart. That's how you can tell he went to Bama for a semester. (Rubs son's head.)
Raj: The Taj Ma-Bear is a great idea.
Chris: I heard Paul Finebaum came to see this play and peed off the second deck right on the Bear. Urine dribbling off the Bear's hat. It was awful.
Dale: I'd sooner burn the United States flag than pee on the Bear's hat. And you can tell every 'Barner you know about that. (Points to Raj, then his own houndstooth hat.) This hat don't run.
Bryant: (Phone buzzes as a text arrives).
Chris: Did Nick Saban Tweeter again? I bet he just said, I can pee across the Black Warrior River without breaking stream. EIther that or, Julio Jones ate Kodi Burns for lunch.
Dale: Ain't Julio a fun word to say? I swear to God, I never get tired of it. Put Julio in front of anything it sounds better. See, like, I love you, three words, kind of plain. But, Julio, I love you. Now that's better. Whoo-lee--O, say it with me.
Chris: Whoo-lee-O. Damn, you're right. Raj, you too, say it. Whoo-lee-O.
Raj: (Softly) Whoo-lee-O.
Dale: Don't it feel good way down in your chest? Like hearing Jesus tell you not to vote Democrat. Or the time Bear Bryant shoved me on his way into the bar. What's the tweeter say?
Bryant: It was just a text from someone else. "I need we*d." Nothing major. I tell them not to spell out weed. Throws the police off the scent.
Chris: You got a smart boy, Dale. All this beer is making me have to pee. You think there will be a line inside?
Raj: Very smart. With an IQ that would keep the courts from ever executing him.
Bryant: (Blushes) I'm gonna draw up the plans for a Taj Ma-Bear one day. Go back to Bama and major in architecture. I bet Nick Saban could do a 1080 on a wakeboard.
Chris: All I know is Nick Saban would look great in a wetsuit. Got washboard abs, nice clean line of legs.
Dale: (Raises his eyebrows in Chris's direction, changes subject). We should build a theater between the Bear's legs. The Taj Ma-Bear Theater. It would be beautiful. A real tribute to the state.
Raj: Beautiful. Like the effluvium on the River Ganges at dusk.
Chris: That's beautiful, Raj, beautiful.
Dale: I just want to propose a toast, y'all stand with me now. All of you. Even you Raj, you ole 'Barner. Lift up your Buds.
All four men stand in the fading afternoon sunlight and hold their beer cans high into the air.
Dale: To Alabama culture. Now let's drink. Roll Tide roll.
