Mark Smith's Firing Proves Even Assistant Coaches Are Now Celebrities

On Friday I sat down to do a radio show here in Nashville with my friend Chad Withrow. As we were going on the air, ESPN brought in a reporter to discuss a seismic story breaking in the college football universe on the televisions hanging above us. Tennessee was firing its strength and conditioning coach, Mark Smith.

Seriously, this was the story. We were about to go on the air in Nashville and we weren't going to lead with this story, but ESPN was. A year-round sport demands controversy, even if there's no real controversy.

If you've ever doubted how much the internet has changed college football, this was a tipping point of epic proportions.

The nation's largest sports voice was reporting on the firing of a man the average Tennessee fan couldn't even name. But the fact that the average Tennessee fan didn't know his name wasn't the story. It's come to this, no one associated with a major college athletic program is anonymous anymore. The universe of sports knowledge has expanded so fast most of us have forgotten what sports used to be like. In fact, it's a cliche to talk about the dumbing down of America, but think about it for a moment, how much more sports knowledge about your favorite teams do you actually know today compared to 10 years ago?

Put it this way, how many assistant coaches on your favorite college football team could you have named a decade ago? I'll be honest, I didn't know the majority of the staff. I knew the offensive and defensive coordinators, and I would have recognized the names of the other guys, but I wouldn't have been able to place them at their correct positions. And I would have hardly known any position coaches of other SEC teams. Be honest, you didn't either. Fast forward 10 years and assistant coaches are stars, pocketing big salaries. What's even more ridiculous is that we have opinions about our assistant coaches now. There are guys we think are particularly strong and guys we think are particularly weak. I've accepted all that.

But now, seriously, strength trainers being hired and fired is national news?

I went to college at George Washington. Our basketball team had a Russian strength trainer named Vasily (or something roughly similar.) He had perpetually spiked hair, a drooping lip, and he was rumored to have either won a gold medal in shot putting or the high dive. No one was quite sure. He spoke in a thick accent and said things like, "I have abdominals like hide of cow." I don't really remember his training philosophy, just that he always wore the same blue warm-ups everywhere. To basketball practice, dinner in the hotel, I pictured him showing up at GW's inaugural ball in 2000 wearing a bow tie over the blue warm-ups.

Now one of the big issues with strength trainers is what their "philosophy" is. Hardcore fans who haven't gotten off the couch after work in 26 years, sit around and debate with one another about what the most effective way to train players is. I love this. That and the fact that trainers have something in common with the ancient Greeks, Socrates in athletic shorts.

The only real exercise I remember Vasily leading the team in was crunches. His philosophy was pro-crunch. At the end of practice, Vasily would take over and the guys would groan. He'd clap his hands, adjust the sleeves on his blue warm-up and with a gleam in his eyes say just one word, "Abdominals."

Our team should have had the greatest abdominal muscles on the planet. Instead they groaned and cheated during the exercises. So far as I know, the 26 hardcore GW basketball fans never discussed Vasily or his training philosophy on the GW message board. That's not a surprise because some of the GW coaches didn't even know his name. All of them were behind the curve. Clearly his every move dictated whether the team would be a success or a failure. And when it comes to fan knowledge of their favorite team, there's no bit of minutiae that is too small to overanalyze.

Don't believe me? I've already confessed that 10 years ago I didn't know most assistant coaches on my favorite football team. Now assistant coaches are bona fide celebrities. Several in the SEC are making more than the $400,000 a year President Obama pockets. It used to be these guys worked for peanuts hoping to cash in on the head coaching dream. That's all changed.

Why?

Because fans are aware of who these guys are now thanks to the internet. In the old days of print media and limited column inches, reporters barely had room to focus on the head coaches, the players, the opponent and the games themselves. There was no way on earth they could possibly write about the assistant coaches. Now that's flipped. The Internet message boards drive coverage, and college football has become a year-round sport. What does a year-round sport demand? Characters and storylines to fill in the longest off-season in America.

It's one reason Lane Kiffin, a guy who hasn't even coached a game, has gotten more attention this offseason than any coach in America. And now we're drilling farther and farther into the depths of the college football universe to gin up controversy. The strength coach is fired! Even if, you know, most people have no idea who he is.



But even with college football turning into a year-round sport, somewhere you have to draw the line, right? At some point you reach a level where fan obsession has met its match, there's no way some people associated with a football program could actually have an impact on winning or losing, right? I thought that line was the strength and conditioning coach, but then ESPN broke down that barrier with live coverage of the firing.

Who's next?

I've got some hypotheses along with the philosophical questions that can drive coverage:

1. The coordinator of football operations: If you include coordinator in the title it sounds like it's incredibly important. Even if this person is a glorified personal assistant who remembers anniversaries and the childrens' birthdays. But if he leaves, can the coach still function? Will his married life start to slough away the amount of time he can spend on the team?

2. Twitter/Facebook/ social media updater: Do you have a good one or a bad one? A guy who can string together pearls of wisdom in 140 characters or less or someone whose post might lead to NCAA violations? Mike Leach went on our radio station and was refreshingly candid about his lack of knowledge when it came to social media. "I don't even know my Facebook password anymore, but they've always got me saying something," Leach said. No matter, this is epically important.

3. Head cheerleader: Will she be hot enough to seduce the quarterback this year? Will she play hard to get? Is she so hot that the quarterback will be distracted? Is she already pregnant? Does she pretend to be slutty or is she actually slutty? Is one preferable as it pertains to motivating the football team to attain peak performance? Does she believe in letters being held up to the crowd or rolling with straight megaphones?

4. Team chef: What's his food philosophy? Is he about increasing bulk or lean muscle, a core strength guy or a big biceps guy? Will he serve new-age food like sushi and salsa? What about knives? Is he in favor of really sharp knives for steak-cutting or really dull ones? Cobblers or cakes? Ice cream with colored sprinkles or chocolate only? On fourth and goal this will decide things.

5. Head student manager: True story, once on the road for a basketball game, I forgot to dry the uniforms. So they were all wet and beginning to mildew before a game against Fordham. It was time for drastic action. What did I do? I turned on the bathroom heat lamp and managed to fashion hangers that allowed the uniforms to bake. Plainly, problem solving was my specialty. Will the new student manager be this adept at solving the problems he creates by his own idiocy?

6. Recruiting Hostess: How hot is she? How does she compare in hotness to the hostesses at (insert school here)? Does she have a protective boyfriend? What's her philosophy on hotness? Is she a floor to ceiling viewer of hotness -- body to face --or vice versa? Will the skirts be shorter or longer than they were last year? The heels? If, perchance, a hostess sllps and falls into bed with a recruit will this be frowned upon or rewarded?

7. Head janitor: Is he a broom guy or a mop guy? Mop guys get things cleaner, but they also leave it wetter, making a slip more likely. But the mop kills more bacteria. Brooms are boring but efficient, like the quarterback sneak of cleaning products.

8. Athletic trainer: How good is he or she at applying ice? Does he or she travel with a special kind of ice? Do they have the fancy ice trays that girls make jello shots with, so the players can use ice that comes in funny shapes and colors? Do you think that the new guy has read the studies proving that men's sports teams recover from sprained ankles much slower if required to use the bachelorette party penis ice? No? My God, what have we gotten ourselves into.

9. Charter plane pilot: Does he give out the wings to players after every road win or just big road wins? Will that wing policy coddle players too much or make them resent how hard they have to work for his approbation? If the plane is struck by lightning, does he turn back or keep going? What is his policy on allowing the playing of the school fight song on the intercom system?

10. Mascot: Is he bringing the funny mascot heat or the swaggering, cocky mascot heat? Can he go both ways? What's his philosophy when it comes to engaging the opposing team mascot? Does he avoid them? Sneak attack? Play to the crowd using a miniature version of the opposing team mascot? Is he likely to incite crowd noise among children under 8 who are virtually his only target, or keep them quiet?