Hypesman Watch: Cashing in on Fame

Christmas decorations begin in late August, and now the ClayNation Hypesman Watch (CHW) is here in the first week of May. It's part of a new term, I just coined: Heisman Creep. (And it has nothing to do with Maurice Clarett). We're going to try something radical here, every other week or so we'll drop in and give you a top 10 list for Heisman candidates. Even though most of them are finishing their spring finals right about now. The goal is to ridicule the Heisman obsession, keep us entertained, and write about the Heisman in a way no one else is.

And, plainly, it's never too early to start debating the most over-hyped award this side of a kindergarten valedictorian.

I'm not sure exactly when the "Hypesman" terminology came into popular use, but I first heard it back in 1997 when Charles Woodson stole the Heisman from Peyton Manning. At that point it became clear to me that most voters selected the winner based on emotion, the way the name made them feel, and upon which player had the "hype" at the right moment. Actual statistics, on-field performance, and even, at times, length of stellar play gave way to a sensationalistic rabble of middle-aged, fat white men sitting in a press box agog over one big game or one big play that they'd actually seen. Namely, they bought the hype.

It's important that I bring us the Hypesman because I am a "Heisman Expert." We know this because CBS Sports labeled me one two seasons ago. While I don't have a vote in the actual Heisman, or really, a vote in very many things in my life -- after all I'm married -- being a Heisman expert changed my life. Especially because I was a Heisman expert of international renown (my family's foreign exchange student, Audrey from France, is a big fan of football American) This renown helps to assuage the grief over seeming to be the only writer at FanHouse whose picture is yet to be on the site. (And let me tell you, my picture is fabulous. I'm a cross between a less-athletic, better-groomed Pau Gasol and Jim from The Office with a bigger nose. So you've got that picture to look forward to ... someday) As several readers have already pointed out, I was the pregnant antebellum daughter of CBS Sports. Now I'm the pregnant antebellum daughter of FanHouse. It's nice to know some things don't change.

What we're quantifying here in the CHW is the hype associated with college football. As my NFL training partner, Frank Okam of Texas, taught me, "It's all about the hype. Sometimes you got the hype, sometimes you don't. You don't change yourself." Our goal is to be bowled over by the hype, rendered mute by the spectacular nature of single plays. So if you have a preferred candidate, send me along information about them to increase their hype standing. It may influence me. Or I might be distracted trying to justify what was, admittedly, one of my most shameful moments ever. (The one that didn't involve being seen reading John Jakes' historical Civil War novel, Love and War, without any pants on at the age of 13.) Last week I confessed to believing that if an airplane was about to crash, you would be fine if you opened the emergency exit door and stepped off just before the plane crashed. I believed this to be the case until I was 25. I kept wondering why no one miraculously survived plane crashes using this theory. There, that's my confession. You can share yours via e-mail and if you're fortunate we'll all laugh at you as well.

This week in addition to our top 10 list, in honor of the Teebow panties, I'm also coming up with products that I think each player should endorse to perfectly burnish their Hypesman street cred. Let's roll.

10. Dez Bryant, wide receiver Oklahoma State -- "Dez White, don't you mean Desi Arnaz?" (Kornheiser'd) Dez Bryant is the best returning wide receiver in college football not named Julio Jones or A,J. Green. Fortunately for Bryant, unlike the other two receivers, Bryant has an established quarterback. Last year Dez Bryant caught 87 passes for 1,480 yards and 19 touchdowns. Here's his bio. at Oklahoma State. Unfortunately Oklahoma State has those horribly boring player biographies where all they do is list their statistics. I like the personal section where the players share their favorite things. Unfortunately, we have to surmise what Dez Bryant actually likes. And I know.

Wind turbines.

Just like his boy T. Boone Pickens. (By the way, over/under on percentage of people who use the first initial in their names and are Southern. Gotta be 90 percent, right?)

We should get a nice poster of Dez standing in front of wind turbines. With this catchphrase, "Oklahoma blows."

9. Jimmy Clausen, quarterback, Notre Dame -- I have a theory on the Clausen brothers, their quarterbacking ability peaks, like young female gymnasts, at the age of 14. I believe it is hair-related. Namely, both Casey and Rick Clausen became infinitely worse quarterbacks as their hair continued to fall out. By his senior season at Tennessee, Clausen was spiking his combover and frosting the tips of his hair. Which led to the heretofore unseen frosted blond tips spiked combover hairstyle.

Now Jimmy is losing his hair and rebelling by growing it long in the back. Pretty soon he's going to look like an uglier Macho Man Randy Savage. But he's a Notre Dame quarterback so you have to include him on the list. Primarily because the East Coast media doesn't realize that Notre Dame is awful. At least not until the end of September.

But at least we know the perfect product endorsement: Rogaine.



8. Max Hall, quarterback, BYU -- Hall has to overcome the notoriously difficult BYU quarterback angle, plus the Mountain West connections. Seriously, how many touchdowns would a BYU quarterback have to throw for to win the Heisman in the present era? 65? And play for an undefeated team, right? Max has a much better profile because we learn that he's A) already married to a woman named Mckinzi and B) an Eagle Scout. My wife argued that being an eagle scout was really cool the other day. She was terribly wrong.

What should hall endorse?

Max Hall's Mormon Underpants. By the way, I'm not being derogatory here, I'm just fascinated that a religion has special underwear. And by the fact that no one outside of Utah seems to know this. I think Morman Underwear is awesome. I grew up Baptist. And Baptist underpants are iron chastity belts. But only for women and midgets. Hall's Mormon underpants have a large red U on the seat.

7. Sam Bradford, quarterback, Oklahoma -- Bradford, last year's winner, is going to fall victim to the returning quarterback curse. He's old-hat, he's already won the award and thrown for 4,720 yards and 50 touchdowns. His hype is dead. Recall that last year Tebow improved his passing stats over his Heisman year, played for a much improved team, was a much better leader, and still lost. The same was true of Matt Leinart the year after he won the Heisman.

Bradford would probably have to throw for over 6,000 yards and 60 touchdowns to repeat. And that's probably not going to happen. Probably. But you never know with Oklahoma's offense. Also, how come Oklahoma quarterbacks don't get criticized as "system quarterbacks" like every Texas Tech quarterback does when it comes to Heisman voting? Have you ever heard this pejorative comment lobbed their way? This is a system that got Jason White the Heisman. Jason White! If that's not a system, I don't know what is.

Anyway, Bradford should endorse Native American dream catchers. He's got the Cherokee connection, he's a swashbuckling risk-taker on the field who dreams of the double Heisman. It's a no-brainer. Think of all the weird dudes you knew in college who had a Native American dream-catchers above their bed or hanging from the rearview mirror of their cars because they thought girls would be impressed by them. Which, by the way, they weren't. And that was all without a spokesperson. The sky is the limit with Bradford's help.

6. Eric Berry, safety, Tennessee -- Some small part of me is convinced this is when Tennessee fans get repaid for Charles Woodson winning the Heisman. As a sophomore Eric Berry outperformed Charles Woodson in virtually every statistical category. You can see the breakdown here. Of course Berry didn't get a single Heisman vote or even win the Thorpe Award. Because, of course, he didn't have the hype.

This year Berry is going to have the hype. And he'll have Monte Kiffin as his defensive coordinator. Can this translate into an invitation to New York or, more impressively, a ridiculous hype machine to justify his becoming the second defensive player ever to win the award? I think so. Especially if UT's favorable schedule (Five of the first six, and seven of the first nine are at home) gets the Vols off to a decent start.

Berry's product is fairly easy to identify: Mortuary Services. Pose him beside a grave holding a shovel. Toss a few different colored jerseys onto the ground six-feet below. Yep, you're about to get Berry'd.



5. Terrelle Pryor, quarterback, Ohio State -- Right now Terrelle Pryor reminds me of former Arkansas quarterback Matt Jones. (Stop gasping, I know I've just upset the space-time continuum by comparing a black player to a white player.) Pryor moves with the same upright running style, a glide that makes it look like he isn't running that fast. But then no one can quite seem to catch him. And Pryor does that thing where he always scampers out of bounds while defenders are diving at him.

But right now Pryor seems like he can't throw that well. I say seems like because he completed 60.6 percent of his passes last year. That's amazingly impressive for a freshman starter. But you and me both believe he isn't an accurate passer. We're wrong. Especially when you compare Pryor with the man he is most often compared with, Vince Young. (space-time continuum not broken by this comparison). Young didn't start until his redshirt freshman year, and he completed 59.6 percent of his passes then. If he's anything like Young, Pryor is going to explode on the college football scene in his second year as a starter.

Which brings me to his endorsement product, hearing aids. Let's be honest, there are only two kinds of people left in the Midwest these days: A) people who have moved to Chicago B) people who are too old to have gone anywhere else. Why haven't hearing aid manufacturers tried to market their product like prescription drug companies have? Namely, via an insistent advertising campaign that makes it seem normal for young people to consume the product. Is there a hipper hearing aid spokesman than Pryor? Especially one that's already known for his ears? Of course not. Bang, marketing gold.

4. Jahvid Best, running back, California -- Last year Best became the latest Cal back to take the nation by storm. Only you didn't notice. He rushed for 1,580 yards and 15 touchdowns. Including, wait for it, a 311 yard rushing day on just 19 carries against Washington. That's an average of 16 yards per carry. Seriously, 16. Of course your grandmother could have averaged 12 against Washington last season, but let's not take anything away from him. Sooner or later a Cal player working out of Jeff Tedford's offense is going to win a Heisman ... right?

Best is currently recovering from foot sugery. Why did he have foot surgery? Let's go to the Cal athetic site: The foot surgery was performed Jan. 23 to relieve irritation of an extra bone on the right side of his foot caused when Best bruised the foot midway through the 2008 season.

How do you have an "extra bone" in your foot? Is that even fair?

Best needs to pose with a gallon of milk, "Thanks to milk, I've got bones to burn, baby."

3. Zac Robinson, quarterback, Oklahoma State -- Robinson is ultimately going to fall victim to the same disease that felled Graham Harrell's candidacy: His top receiver is just too talented to give him credit for the success. He threw for 3,000 yards last year, and after early success against Willie Martinez's Georgia defense in the opening weekend, Robinson will surge to the top of the list. But then people will start questioning him and Bryant's star will become ascendant. Then vice-versa. Eventually neither will get invited to New York. But in the meantime Robinson, known as "Z-Rob" on campus, which makes me want to stab my eyes out with cattle branding irons, went to the same high school as LenDale White.

That seemed likely, right?

Anyway, given that connection, there's only one product that Robinson can endorse while posing shirtless: Mounds candy bars. Tagline: Just because we gave one running back man boobs, doesn't mean we give them to everyone.

2. Colt McCoy, quarterback, Texas -- One of the weirdest things to come out of the state of Texas recently, and that's saying something, is Governor Rick Perry's endorsement of secession. Even stranger? Half of all Texas Republicans favor this course of action. Let me repeat that, half of all the Republicans in Texas want their state to secede from the United States.

I have no idea why more people aren't paying attention to this. Anyway, McCoy was born in New Mexico, but his dad brought dirt from Texas so he'd born above Texas soil. Seriously.

Can you imagine what would happen if the secessionists actually managed to secede? I'm picturing McCoy sitting up all night in his Austin dorm room, pacing from one side of the room to the other, the Robert E. Lee of modern college football. On the one hand, he has the nation, on the other hand he has Texas. And you know what, I think McCoy would pick Texas.

Assuming Texas stays in the union, McCoy should endorse arm floaties. He saved a man from drowning before he even took a starting snap at Texas, the least he can do is protect everyone on Lake Travis from making him save them again.

1. Tim Tebow, quarterback, Florida -- Tebow shot an 82 playing with Phil Mickelson earlier this week.

Per that report: "But during a dream round with Phil Mickelson, a fellow lefty, Tebow tore up the Timuquana Country Club in West Jacksonville. I spoke with Robby Tebow, Tim's brother, who said Tim shot a 10-over 82 at the par-72 course while playing with Mickelson (who shot a 6-under 66) and two other PGA Tour players whose names weren't known. Robby said Tim usually shoots high 80s on a good day. Tim got to play with Mickelson because, well, he's got it like that."

Yep, right now the Hypesman is Tebow's to take home because things he does in other sports don't even impress us. He can become the first player in college football history to receive the most first-place votes for three consecutive years. Then he can become heavyweight boxing champion. Without training. While circumcising indigent children between rounds.

In the end, I want y'all to help build the hype. E-mail me candidates, send me links, overwhelm me. In the end, the Hypesman will be glorious.

(You can email Clay at clay.travis@gmail.com. He prefers [Ed. legally] young boob shots, but will take old boob shots if that's the best he can get.)