If I Signed For as Much as Stafford ...

In the fall of 2004, I moved to the United States Virgin Islands to practice law. Within a month, I'd embarked upon a pudding strike to protest the lack of availability of the NFL Sunday Ticket. (DirecTV didn't service the island at all and it was impossible to watch my Tennessee Titans play at any sports bar. Or any other team play for that matter that wasn't on regular broadcast networks.) So I decided the only responsible solution to that dilemma was to embark upon a pudding strike.

Yep, I only ate pudding.

Fifty days later, I stopped eating pudding after we pirated a DirecTV feed through a satellite registered to Trinidad. Since that time I've started my own Internet site, moved on to write the ClayNation column at CBS for three years, become an associate editor for Deadspin, and published three books. At least if you count On Rocky Top: A Front-Row Seat to the End of an Era, which will be out in August. (Yep, that's a shameless plug. Most non-authors aren't aware that the book selling business is the only thing on Earth that can make credit default swaps seem like an honorable profession.)

Now I'll be with you every day of the week here with FanHouse. As you can tell, the pudding strike has led directly to this august moment. Otherwise I might be all set to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. Or, since I turned 30 a month ago and am now eligible for election, gearing up for a Senatorial campaign in my home state of Tennessee. Plainly, a pudding strike isn't the traditional route to anything, and the ClayNation column/post/blog/article/insert your own term here will be quite a bit different from anything you read other places.

Having said that, introductory columns are notoriously awkward, like blind dates with syphilitic lepers. So just to clear the air, I'm a huge college football and basketball fan, love the NFL, golf, and the NBA playoffs. I wish I was Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights, or General George Patton, or Thomas Friedman, or that I had the wisdom of Morgan Freeman's characters. I think poonhound is the most underused word in the English language, and "she plays the slot well" is the most dirty-sounding way to describe a girlfriend without actually knowing why it sounds dirty.

I once had a gold necklace with a Cincinnati Reds pendant, but if asked about it in person I will deny any knowledge of said necklace. At one law employment review, I was told that I did good work but should at least pretend that I cared whether my clients won or lost. I've been shot at, accidentally spit a peanut shell on UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel, and love nothing more than old white women who claim to like Soulja Boy's Superman.

I've challenged the Reverend Pat Robertson to prove that he could leg press a ton, broke Mike Jarvis' family blender while serving as a student basketball manager at George Washington, was once reported to the FBI by a parent angry that I ripped the soapbox derby in a column, and believe this reporting is further evidence that most children today are incurable pansies thanks to a feminized society. But, to be fair, I did cry during the last four Friday Night Lights episodes.

I find it inexcusable that Kenny Powers of Eastbound & Down throws like a girl. Seriously, you base an entire comedy on a washed up former baseball pitcher and you can't find a single person who can throw a baseball normally to play Kenny Powers? However, I do respect that Powers outkicked his coverage when he snagged Amber as his girlfriend. Thanks to the fact that the most average looking women in the South would be the hottest girls in New England, I respect the honesty of the show when it comes to Southern men's ability to always outkick their coverage.



Also, while I'm not a pro athlete, I know exactly how I'd spend $41.7 million to make the world a better place if I'd just signed the contract that Matthew Stafford did:

1. $8.7 million: Advanced apostrophe research. I believe that names with apostrophes are slowly taking over our country. In the year 2249, the last person to be born without an apostrophe in their name will die. Until that time, we'll do our best to understand the power of the '. For instance, were you aware that about 20 years ago some white people got bored with the name Emily and started spelling it M'leigh. No? Well, now you are. Meet M'leigh.

2. $6.2 million: A tax break for men with beards. As we move further along in this great Internet walk, hand-in-hand while Blur's Song 2 plays in the background, you'll learn of my firm belief that men with beards get it done. BGID (Ed. - That's Beard Getting it Done for those of you who don't get it, and therefore almost certainly don't have beards to stroke knowledgeably right now. Scott Niedermayer is on his way to your home to beard-butt you as we speak.) But for now, rest assured that a tax break for men with beards would lead to an economic recovery, fuel our country with testosterone, ensure more sex, more babies, and, surprisingly, the ozone hole would completely disappear.

3. $3.4 million: In the spirit of altruism, I'd pay John Daly's outstanding bar tab at nationwide Hooters.

4. $4.8 million: Eliminate all sports coverage featuring East Coast teams from Washington to Boston for an entire week. Zero, radio silence. The sports world would be a blessed place. For once we wouldn't have to read about the 138th regular season match-up between the Red Sox and the Yankees.

5. $6.4 million: Cloning Tim Tebow. If scientists can make glow-in-the-dark dogs, why can't they make a million Tim Tebows? I actually think this is Kim Jong-Il's ultimate master plan. We're focusing on his ability to get nuclear weapons, meanwhile he's got the brightest minds in trying to figure out how to recreate Tim Tebow based on 18 used mouthpieces he bought on eBay.

6. $3.6 million: Rescuing orphaned pink dolphins and housing them at the ClayNation Aquarium. At noon every day NFL cheerleaders will ride the dolphins. How will I manage this? I'll double their team cheerleading salaries, $100 per ride. Everybody wins.

7. $1.4 million: Decide the lingering Senate election in Minnesota between Norm Coleman and Al Franken with a spirited Tecmo Super Bowl best-of-7 contest. Put it on C-SPAN for the highest ratings in the history of the network. All disputed elections should be decided this way. Especially in Zimbabwe.

8. $5.3 million: Finding a cure for either 'Bama Bangs or the swine flu. Both are pandemics incapable of being stopped. Except, you know, the swine flu isn't actually that dangerous. I traveled this weekend. If you had a mask on, and a few of you did, we all wish you actually had the Swine Flu.

9. $2.9 million: Ensure that the 12 percent of women at the University of Georgia who don't already have C-cups are taken care of. Athens is the cleavage capital of the country. And a rising tide should lift every chest.

10. $11.2 million: Found a lobbying group for the sole purpose of colonizing the months of August and February on behalf of college football. Despite being the best sport in , college football has the shortest season. Your team only plays a little over 20 percent of the weekends in a given year. How much better would it be if we added August and February to the autumnal bacchanal? Yep, thought so.

Unfortunately, this adds up to $53.9 million, which probably means I'd have to holdout for more guaranteed

Straight cash, homie, straight cash.