NCAA Football

This Week In Schadenfreude: We Must Ignite This Coach

Posted Sep 23, 2008 4:26PM By Brian Cook (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Auburn, Kansas State, Notre Dame, Oregon, Syracuse, Tennessee, UCLA, West Virginia

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scha·den·freu·de
–noun
satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.
[Origin: 1890–95; < G, equiv. to Schaden harm + Freude joy]
On This Week In Schadenfreude we explore the sputtering rage, gibbering condemnation, and resigned ennui of the college football fan who has recently undergone humiliating defeat. Because even in your darkest hour, someone else is suffering too, and probably worse than you. Unless you are a Michigan fan who has just finished watching the Appalachian State game.

This column tries to vary the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness award recipient in order to not pick on any one unsuccessful team unduly, but... uh...



We ain't gonna make it when West Virginia fans throw up a video featuring a dozen photoshops of a paint-wielding, Gomer Pyle tee-wearing Bill Stewart and a YTMND that asks HOW DO I TIMEOUT. (HT: EDSBS.) West Virginia, mountain momma, take it home.

The rest of the week in spleen after the jump.

BIG TEN

Notre Dame figured out what happens when they don't play one of the worst teams in D-I or pick up five free turnovers: they lose. Rakes of Mallow isn't freaking out quite yet but does get in some jabs:

Any time the Irish were successful against the Aztecs or Wolverines they were chucking the ball around, so Weis and Haywood decide it's a good idea to run right at Michigan State? Conservative play-calling on the road be damned, Notre Dame needed to score points and put Javon Ringer in a hole. Along those lines, who would watch the last two seasons of Notre Dame football and say, "Hey, let's try kicking a 51-yard field goal on fourth and manageable!". It's hard to establish an identity when your coaching staff is like Guy Pearce in Memento.

Who wants to see Weis's tattoos? They read "go for it on fourth and eight no matter what," "if you don't eat a ding-dong RIGHT NOW you will die," and "make the other team drop the ball for no reason." They're really cool.

Anyone? Anyone?

Meanwhile, West Virginia lost to Colorado to fall to 1-2 on the season, and Bastard Sons of Pinfall Marks is already looking for a new offensive coordinator. This candidate seems the strongest to the geniuses running WVU's athletic department:

5. Lump of coal.
Pros: From West Virginia

Cons: Who cares? It's from West Virginia (see Bill Stewart).

Maybe next time they'll expand their search to encompass the vast breadth of states with Virginia in their name.
PAC 10

UCLA got blown out by Arizona, and we'll be closely monitoring Bruins Nation for any hint of the wildly entertaining bile they flung at Karl Dorrell day and night for three years. As of yet:

Right now, I am not sure if there is any use for UCLA fans to get upset every loss this season and probably the next one. I agree with Telemachus that more than ever we need to stand behind our team and with Class of 66 that we need to circle the wagon by getting behind the kids we have in our program, while we wait for the recruits CRN, Chow and Walker bring in next few years.

Bupkis. I'm telling you, new coaches are no fun.

Oregon lost to Boise State but got down to their fifth string quarteback doing it. (Michigan's fifth string quarterback is... uh. Running back Carlos Brown.) As a result, people are relatively sanguine:

I have never felt so OK with a loss.

Next.

West Virginia lost to Colorado to fall to 1-2 on the season, causing one fan to explode in a fit of rage, then return the next day to offer sincere apologies:

I'm sorry for calling Stew a bible thumping f****t last night Reply
I was enraged about yet another loss and lost my cool.

My apologies to him.

Somehow this is much, much funnier than the original could have been.
SEC

Tennessee got housed by Florida for the second straight year, causing Fulmer's Belly to pursue coping strategy #34: This Never Happened.

When everyone doubted the Vols, they were able to band together and beat a team that no one thought they could in Florida. The Florida linebacker Spikes claimed the Tennessee Vols quit last year, but this year it was Spikes who quit when the game got out of reach and the Vols rolled to victory over a talented Gator squad.

One metaphorical "SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN" slapping later and FB concludes:

Can we win another game this season? Probably not.

Surely you can beat perpetually moribund Vanderbilt. What's that? Vandy is 4-0? Oh, hell. Where's my escape pod?

Auburn took it on the chin from LSU again, barfing up a game-winning fourth quarter drive for a second straight year. This one wasn't quite as dramatic, but it was painful. This bit of schadenfreude is only for the real sadists, since it's closer to the puppy above than the usual laughable sneering rage:

So the most painful moment of the game for yours truly was not the 15-yard sack of Chris Todd on Auburn's final desperate possession that for all intents and purposes ended the game, not the LSU touchdown that snatched away in decisive fashion the lead Auburn's offense had so thrillingly scratched out for itself, not even the long silent walk out of the Jordan-Hare upper deck, a walk that after a loss always feels like leaving a giant birthday party where one of the guests accidentally ran over the birthday kid's dog.

Les Miles has no regard for birthday parties.


West Virginia lost to Colorado to fall to 1-2 on the season, spurring an array of zingers from Rivals posters. One:

I think Bill Martin finally found a WV coach he doesn't want to steal

Two:

Fiesta Bowl: The most devastating victory in history of college football

And three:
Bill Stewart is NOT Andy Griffith Reply
The whole point of that show was that Andy put on airs of being unsophisticated, but he really was a remarkably shrewd and intelligent man and leader. Numerous episodes had guys from "the city" thinking they could outwit Andy, what with his drawl and good manners, only to find out at the end that they had vastly underestimated him and were, in fact, outmatched.

I'm pretty sure I don't need to explain how that's different from our current situation.
I don't even have something to say here. These are all viciously accurate.

BIG EAST

Syracuse 30, Northeastern 21, crying child:



I know that looks like a cute puppy and the above score looks like a Syracuse victory. I assure you this is not the case.

West Virginia--hey, they're actually in this conference!--lost to Colorado to fall to 1-2 on the season, causing one intrepid fan to declare himself "not worried" for reasons other than "once the missiles are in the air the time for worry has passed."

This gets the rousingly positive reaction you might expect:

You probably are still investing in Lehman Brothers.

We're 1-2 and haven't played a single decent BCS team this year you happy go lucky homer piece of ****.

Is that you Stew?

I kind of doubt Stewart knows what the internet is for. Or huddles. Or timeouts.

BIG TWELVE

Kansas State ate it against Louisville, starting the clock ticking on the continued employment of Ron Prince. And, uh, causing this to happen:



So... yeah. There you go.

Meanwhile, West Virginia lost to Colorado to fall to 1-2, prompting WVU Pressbox to declare "nice guys finish last":

What does genius do? He allows his offense to burn 14 seconds off of the clock before running another play. Then, incredibly, he lets the clock tick down to 4 seconds before he finally comes to the startling conclusion that, by golly, he's in Colorado coaching a football game.

Not only was he responsible for this epic failure of coaching, he said he would've done everything exactly the same!

"No," he said. "No. I don't second-guess. No. I don't want anybody second-guessing me. No. We're going to do what we do. Run. Try to kick the ball and win the ball game with a field goal. I absolutely wouldn't change a thing."

So not only did he completely fail, he's unwilling to admit that he was wrong.

This latter failing is about the only thing Bill Stewart has in common with any football coach I've ever seen: "should I have shot the starting quarterback in the kidneys before the fourth quarter? Don't ask stupid questions: of course."
ACC

If you walked into a Las Vegas casino in 2000 and asked to place a bet on "Within the decade, Wake Forest will beat Florida State three straight years and by the third time no one will be even a little bit surprised," what kind of odds do you think you could get? Would you have to put down ten bucks to be set for life or just one?

We'll never know; we do know that Florida State fans aren't particularly enthused about this imaginary ridiculous parlay:

Honestly, if you want to blame a coach, blame Bowden. Call him out for the ridiculous continued ramifications from his foolish, selfish decision to hire his son. Take him to task for allowing what was the best program in America entering this decade, to fall so far. Criticize him for not being involved in the program. Bowden is a negative for the program now. He can't be taken seriously. Just because your record as a coach is one of the best coaches ever, doesn't mean that you are immune from criticism. It is depressing that we are still trying to dig out of his mess.

Meanwhile, Scalp 'Em fritzes out and goes for the multiple exclamation points:

We'd also like to extend congratulations to whoever drew up the offensive game plan. If the plan was to imitate Auburn's offense from last week's game against Mississippi State ..... job well done!!!! A+ there my man. A+.

This was probably not the plan.


Virginia fans are about ready to jump off the SS Groh, as this thread from The Sabre demonstrates amply. Someone kicks it off by asking for the difference between Virginia football and the Titanic and the floodgates open. Responses:
  • One sank in the Atlantic, the other in the Coastal.
  • Those folks enjoyed themselves until their last few hours.
  • At least the Titanic hit something.
  • The Titanic didn't take eight years to sink, aaaaand
  • At least the Titanic went deep once.
Zing!

(HT: Gobbler Country.)

Oh, and, yes, West Virginia lost to Colorado. BSOPM unearths Coach Stew's personal log after the non-victory:

Well, golly, what a great game that was last night. I know we lost, but shucks, our boys played hard. The other coaches played a great gag on me - they gave me a fake headset! It took me until the second quarter to figure that one out. They're such great guys.

Erin Andrews was there and even interviewed me - she seems like such a nice Christian girl. And did you see the mountains out there! Gee willikers they were big!!

I think this concludes the Morgantown Meltdown of 2008. For the sake of the state, let's hope they beat West Virginia.

Tags: this+week+in+schadenfreude, ThisWeekInSchadenfreude

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