Welcome to Center Stage, SEC; Be Careful Not to Pull a Buckeye

Attention, SEC: Please make your way to the center stage, conveniently marked by a large Buckeye-shaped chalk outline.

After three weeks of the NCAA season, the top of the SEC is more jammed than Ed Hochuli's voicemail. Five teams are ranked in the top 10 – No. 3 Georgia, No. 4 Florida, No. 6 LSU, No. 9 Alabama and No. 10 Auburn – and four (all but Alabama, who plays Arkansas) are on national television this weekend.

We don't expect an embarrassment like last weekend's Buckeye blowup. Then again, it's probably impossible to get embarrassed like Ohio State did for the third time last weekend. Just to recap, Ronaldo admitted he picked up three transvestites but didn't want to admit he was laying money on Ohio State. Scientology thinks people will find it weird if they find out they picked the Buckeyes. Chris Cooley photoshopped little Chris Cooley over a Buckeyes logo in his infamous lap shot because he thought it would be less embarrassing.

(He was right.)

And we wouldn't even bet that the league's elite are headed for more than one (required) loss. If we had to play a parlay where losing the bet meant getting the stall next to Larry Craig's at Minneapolis-St. Paul International, we'd probably take the 'Dawgs, Gators, Tide and, uh, Tigers.

But Saturday's SEC "opening day" could be something less of a another great chapter in sports television and something more like Air Bud. Two. (Air Bud: Golden Receiver)

Here's why it could go wake-up-after-a-bender-married-to-Pam-Anderson wrong.

LSU at Auburn

Why It Could Go Wrong: If you didn't watch, the first star of last week's 3-2 Auburn win over Mississippi State was Martin Brodeur. The Nationals thought the Tigers had trouble scoring. That wasn't an isolated incident. The Tigers' offense has thus far been a series of fits and starts. Against Week 1 pasty Louisiana-Monroe, the Tigers failed to score an offensive touchdown in the first half. After three games, the passing attack in the new "Spread Eagle" offense ranks a woeful 98th in the nation and the Tigers are actually on the negative side of the ledger in turnover margin, despite playing a series of so-so-teams.

Don't laugh, other Tiger fans. LSU's quarterback platoon has thrown just three touchdowns against two interceptions in its first two games. Les Miles' pass offense is just 76th in the nation despite playing a FCS team (Appalachian State) and North Texas, whose claim to football fame involves Sinbad. The Tigers should've had another week to fine tune the forward passes, but Hurricane Gustav wiped out a showdown with Troy.

With two tremendous defenses, this game could make Auburn's 2006 7-3 win look prolific and be the kind of game only a defensive coordinator's mother could love. Assuming she only likes eye-gougingly bad football.

How It Will Likely Play Out: Both defenses only give up ground grudgingly, but running backs Ben Tate and Charles Scott manage enough offense to make fans at least have to take their shoes off to count high enough. But this game will be closer than Charlie Weis and Tom Brady's special bond. The last four games have been decided by a total of 14 points with the largest margin – six -coming on last year's LSU touchdown pass with one second left.

Florida at Tennessee

Why It Could Go Wrong: Tim Tebow, college football's answer to the Hadron Supercollider, is off to a slow start along with the Florida offense. Sure, the Gators put 56 points against an overmatched Hawaii team, but managed just 26 against Miami including a pointless late field goal. Urban Meyer's team ranks 44th in rushing offense and 74th in passing, hardly the numbers expected of a unit with the reigning Heisman winner, the score-in-a-dozen-ways Percy Harvin and a glut of talented running backs. Tennessee, meanwhile, has a hand-off first and ask questions later offense that makes Auburn look smooth, and newbie quarterback Jonathan Crompton has already shown a proclivity to Buckeye, imploding terrifically in the nationally televised loss to UCLA.

How It Will Likely Play Out: Although Tennessee's front seven is fairly stout, the Vols had trouble containing UAB quarterback Joe Webb, who rushed for 85 yards, and unlike Gator quarterback Tim Tebow doesn't turn football helmets into diamonds from the force of impact. Expect Tebow to return to his made-for-YouTube ways, particularly against the Vols' soft secondary, and unlike the real Hadron Supercollider, recreate the Big Bang in shoulder pads.

Alabama at Arkansas

Why It Could Go Wrong: We've seen this film before. Seen it, memorized the dialogue, then shouted it in a drunken stupor over eggs over my hammy. The Tide is 3-0 for the fifth straight season, which means, barring a plot twist, that it's time for a losing streak to creep in, preferably in spectacular, Michael-Bay-would-be-impressed fashion, like when Leigh Tiffin missed three field goals and an extra point to cost the Tide certain victory in 2006. But that team didn't have a year of Nick Saban to go with its errant kicker. Alabama replaced six starters on the defensive side, and although the team hardly seemed to miss a beat against Clemson, Bobby Petrino's offense could be its first real test. Petrino even has former backup Casey Dick firing strikes. Through two games, Dick is averaging 335 yards per game.

How It Will Likely Play Out: Luck finally catches up to the Razorbacks, who have led for just 3:11 the entire season, despite playing a Hostess two-pack to start the season (Western Illinois and Louisiana-Monroe). Expect Dick to challenge the Tide, but the Hogs' ground game to go nowhere against Alabama's defense, which may be rebuilt, but was rebuilt well.

Georgia at Arizona State

Why It Could Go Wrong: The team could get lost on the way to the airport, as the Bulldogs haven't played this far west since Dwight Eisenhower was president and George Brett was in diapers (umm, the first time). But even if the Bulldogs arrive in Tempe, they'll still have to figure out some way to contain Arizona State defensive end Dexter Davis. The junior racked up 10.5 sacks and three forced fumbles last year and already has four sacks in three games this season. Meanwhile, the Georgia offensive line has had more holes than a soap opera plotline alibi since Trinton Sturdivant went down. Making matters worse, backup Kiante Tripp now has a sprained ankle, leaving everyone to wonder just who gets to lead the endzone dance?

How It Will Likely Play Out: The Bulldogs' offensive line woes continue to be a problem for Mark Richt's team, but Knowshon Moreno finds a way to run, hurdle or teleport himself for enough yardage to lead Georgia to victory. Meanwhile, the Bulldogs dictate the game's pace by sacking Sun Devil quarterback Rudy Carpenter, the only man more famous for spending time on his back than Eliot Spitzer.