NCAA Football

Sunday Hangover: Purple, Not Just for Barney and Steve Smith Inflicted Bruises Anymore

Posted Sep 07, 2008 3:58AM By Ray Holloman (RSS feed)

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This party just got more crowded than a Travis Henry family photo. Think splitting the backseat of a Volkswagen with Charlie Weis and Charlie Weis' ego.

After an afternoon in which East Carolina had Heisman Trophy candidate Pat White scrambling like an NBA star avoiding a paternity test, the Pirates are here to crash the ever-expanding BCS crashing party.

Let the accolades fly faster and farther than Lou Holtz's spittle.

With three straight wins over ranked teams dating back to last year's win in the Hawaii Bowl, the Pirates are the worst thing to happen to top 25 football teams since standardized testing.

But they're not alone. Undefeated Utah, who dropped Michigan's round-peg into a brick-wall offense in Week 1 is having a drink at the bar as well. And, thanks to an unsportsmanlike penalty on Washington quarterback Jake Locker, BYU is there too.

(How bad was that call? The button fly thinks they went in the wrong direction. Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career laughs at that decision while rolling in an Edsel with Michael Brown. The McCain vetting committee thinks that decision was ill thought out.



Of course, what else should we expect from Pac-10 refs who churn out crappy calls like they're the officiating equivalent of a Chinatown sweat shop? For those scoring at home, that's more gaffes for the Pac-10's men in stripes than Ty Willingham has tee times. More mistakes than Pete Carroll has ripples in his old-guy abs. More blown calls than the SEC has players that go by two names. We'd tell you exactly how many screwups that is, but unfortunately our calculator didn't come equipped with a bajillion button.)

But here's the great news about East Carolina. They might just be the best thing to happen to sports not including lingerie and shoulder pads (and no, we don't mean Marv Albert). They might just be the best BCS buster of all time and the strutting, purple-ish example of why scheduling up can be rewarding.

They're certainly going to have the best resume, and not just according to George O'Leary.

No prior BCS buster will be as tested as the Pirates, should they win out. Last year's non-BCS darling Hawaii beat Washington, Boise State, and the offense from Atari Football in a schedule that was easier than a Jim Harrick exam. Two years ago, Boise State beat Oregon State, a team of guys named Mujibar and Ian Johnson's knitting group on the way to the Fiesta Bowl (where, in fairness, they more than validated their selection by beating Oklahoma). Only Utah in 2004, which beat Texas A&M, Arizona and North Carolina, has whacked three BCS conference teams on the way to a BCS berth.

By the time all is said and done, East Carolina will have knocked off four of college football's bigger brothers.

In addition to Virginia Tech and West Virginia, the Pirates still have games against North Carolina State, last seen doing its best impression of a visit to the proctologist on national television against South Carolina, and Virginia (which will allow Skip Holtz' club to assume the title of biggest scourge to hit the state of Virginia since General Grant ... or Cheerwine) Granted, three of the BCS teams are in the ACC, which is a little like giving the Red Sox credit for beating a tee-ball team that stinks at tee-ball, but this Pirate squad will finish with better vetted BCS credentials than any team before it.

And that's when our crowded party could become a problem.

Even if the Pirates win out, they could get squeezed out of the BCS picture.

If the ACC champion doesn't finish in the top 16 in the BCS rankings (which seems possible unless Miami catches fire ... or bonus points are given for lifetime achievement in dorm rap), according to the slightly-easier-than-tax-code BCS selection process, the automatic berth for a non-BCS conference goes to the team that finishes with the highest ranking in the top 16 .. and we think finds the crystal skull, punches George Lucas in the face and uncovers the ulna of Bear Bryant. With BYU and Utah set to square off in late November, one of those two teams will certainly be eliminated in the "Holy War." But should BYU, which had a head start in the polls, and East Carolina both finish undefeated, one deserving non-BCS team is all but assured of getting left out.

And if there's anything we have complete faith in, in college football, it's the BCS' ability to screw up what's simple. If all the BCS had to do was tie its shoes, we're fairly confident it'd find a way to break its arm, set its foot on fire and lace itself to a railroad track.

But one thing is for certain, with East Carolina's victory, this BCS buster party is getting crowded with three capable teams. Just make room for the Pirates. And, since this is a party with nearly 300 men and no women, someone alert Vince Young.


The Boring World of Niels Bohr Thought Week Two Was Boring

Say this for the Pac-10's officiating gaffe. At least it gave Week 2 a little drama. Imagine Bud Selig and Ben Bernanke had a kid, only to give it to your ninth grade civics teacher to raise. That's how uninteresting Week 2 was. Your garbage disposal maintenance manual thought it was dull. People tuning in hoping to see dressage were disappointed. NBC received complaints that they weren't showing grass growing ... but that just turned out to be a misguided Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur. )


ACC Football: Keep Pointing, Laughing

While the 2008 season plays on across the college football landscape, the 2009 preseason continues in the ACC. In Week 2, the league went 5-0 against FCS teams and 1-3 against FBS teams. Maryland lost to FBS noob Middle Tennessee State, 24-14, while the only win -- Wake Forest over Ole Miss -- came against an SEC team that hasn't won a league game since 2006 (and required a questionable pass interference call as well). But the greatest humiliation went to Boston College, which inexplicably lost to an ACC team when Georgia Tech moved to 2-0. Surprisingly, two ACC teams battling each other did not cause total protonic reversal, as prophesied in Ghostbusters. At least we can thank the league for the world's latest renewable energy source, Tyler Hansbrough's will.


Week 3 Game We'll Be Too Busy Drinking Whatever We Can Find Under Our Sink to Watch

Notre Dame playing Michigan, which should be the football equivalent of VH1 celeb reality show. Think two stars well past their prime mud wrestling with Ron Jeremy for five more minutes of screen time with the guy who played Potsie ... and probably complete with Verne Troyer peeing in the corner. (Which, incidentally, would still be more watchable than The Love Guru)


Our Favorite Player of the Week:

Honors go out to Miami kicker and punter Matt Bosher, who twice manhandled Florida return man Brandon James, including one particularly well-executed body slam. Finding out a punter can lay out the hurt like that is like find out your mother-in-law can execute a DDT while rebuilding a transmission.




The Big 16

Find out who the nation's top teams are each week as we rank the best 16 and set up something heretofore unheard of in college football, a play...wait for it...off. At season's end, the top 16 will compete in two brackets -- the Fairburn, Ga. division, ancestral home of Hangover mancrush Eric Berry, and the erstwhile Fort Myers, Fla. division, ancestral home of the pizza bagel.

  • 1. Oklahoma Sooners: Another win, another week of watching Oklahoma's lines roll up the opponent like Vince Coleman in a tarp. After the Sooners' rout of a solid Cincinnati team, Bob Stoops' team has racked up eight sacks while allowing just one.
  • 2. Georgia Bulldogs: It was a statement win for the Bulldogs against a dangerous Central Michigan team, but the highlight was watching near-300 pound defensive end Demarcus Dobbs rumble for a 77-yard touchdown slightly faster than a glacier -- or as the Big Ten might call it, blazing fast speed.
  • 3. Ohio State Buckeyes: The Buckeyes' ground game fared well enough without Chris Wells, grinding out 162 yards on 40 carries, but the team obviously missed its Heisman caliber tailback. If Ohio State turns in another performance like that against Southern Cal next Saturday then for once Kirsten Dunst won't be the most unpleasant looking thing in L.A.
  • 4. Southern Cal Trojans: Giving Southern Cal too much credit for beating an ACC team in Week 1 is like giving the Harlem Globetrotters credit for beating the Generals. It's just fated. Virginia's struggle to a 16-0 victory over FCS team Richmond (which featured exactly one offensive touchdown by the Cavaliers) didn't do much to bolster the Trojans' resume. But Southern Cal has all the opportunity it needs to prove itself against Ohio State Saturday.
  • 5. Florida Gators: The Gators ultimately beat Miami handily, but the ease with which the Hurricanes picked their way through Florida's offensive line must be a concern for Urban Meyer. Unless his plan is to have Tim Tebow punch every defender in the stomach. Which would at least make for good television.
  • 6. LSU: Hurricane Gustav earned the Tigers an off week after damaging Tiger Stadium earlier in the week. We can only imagine it was incensed by its inability to separate Les Miles from his hat.
  • 7. Missouri: Fun fact: Apparently there's a Southeast Missouri. Fun fact part II: Apparently they're not very good at football. The Tigers rolled 52-3.
  • 8. Auburn Tigers: Gold stars go to the Tigers defense, for holding Damion Fletcher to 29 rushing yards, and to newly named starting quarterback Chris Todd (21-31, 248 yards) for saving Auburn fans from a season without the forward pass.
  • 9. Texas Tech Red Raiders: This was supposed to be a shootout, but apparently Nevada and Texas Tech came armed with muskets. Still, Texas Tech held the Wolf Pack to just 19 points and kept running back Luke Lippincott in check.
  • 10. East Carolina Pirates: West Virginia and Virginia Tech may both prove to be overrated, but no team in the nation has earned a ranking more than the Pirates. More impressively, East Carolina is getting it done with defense and special teams, more than making up for the loss of first-round running back Chris Johnson.
  • 11. Texas Longhorns: The Longhorns had few problems against UTEP, but the on the job training for the Longhorn secondary is far from over. After games against Florida Atlantic and the Miners, Texas is 92nd in the nation in passing yardage allowed.
  • 12. BYU: A little help from Pac-10 officials keeps the Cougars' BCS bursting run alive. Hopefully one call won't overshadow just how good this team can be.
  • 13. Wisconsin: The Badgers with a quarterback throwing for 300 yards may be a little like a truck driver with opera tickets or a bulldozer with a CD changer, but it's so far, so good for new starter Allan Evridge.
  • 14. Alabama: The Tide picked up just 38 yards of offense in the first half, presumably because they were still racking up yardage against Clemson. Or perhaps it was in homage to Notre Dame.
  • 15. Penn State: Penn State's spread HD offense is really beginning to look terrifying. Imagine how many points they'd score if they didn't have to check in with parole officers mid-play.
  • 16. Oregon: With another rout, the Ducks have now scored 100 points in two games this season, one point for each color on their uniform.



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