USC Forced to Evacuate Campus In Wake of Crotch-Eating Fungus Outbreak

Now I'm not a religious person, but it's difficult to overlook the symbolism of the Southern Cal football team, who have over the last few years been the very embodiment of decadence, excess, and godless hedonism, being savagely struck down by a biblical plague of crotch-gnawing jock itch.

That's right, folks, you read that correctly. Fully 25% of the Trojan football team has contracted a particularly ornery strain of jock itch, whose virulent epidemiology has left even Pete Carroll speechless, and I'm sure he's seen damned near every groin-related malady in his long tenure as a football coach.

The preliminary suspect for this outbreak is the new stretch pants the team is breaking in this year, although there's plenty of room for alternative theories. Here's hoping for a speedy recovery for the groins of the lads of Southern Cal. Nah, just kidding, I hope they burn for years.