Big Ten Preview: Exercises in Mediocrity

Curtis Painter is mediocre

Ah, mediocre football. The annual rite of late summer where fans of middling programs congregate and tell each other things like "if our offensive line is solid then I don't see why we can't go to a New Year's Day Bowl." Soon, of course, love and hopes are, well, amended.

By "amended," of course, we mean "discarded in favor of bloodthirsty savages on sports talk radio complaining about the coordinators and accusing the team of not wanting to win." It's a strange reaction to a 7- or 8-win season, of course, one that ends up in a warm climate in late December (grisly exception: Motor City Bowl, war-torn Bosnia Detroit). The fans never seem to get it: it could be so, so much worse. Look at Minnesota last season.

While Michigan, Ohio State, and (usually) Penn State represent the perennial powerhouse typification for the Big Ten, the conference usually hosts quite a few more mediocre programs. 2008 is no exception. Let's look at some of the programs that, let's be honest, don't stand a prayer of taking the Big Ten crown this season.

ILLINOIS FIGHTING ILLINI

Did these guys seriously go to the Rose Bowl? I mean yeah, they got Compton Stomped by USC and I think Rey Maualuga actually murdered a man on the field, but the freaking Rose Bowl here people??

While Illinois's 2007 season was by all accounts an official Catholic miracle, St. Zook is set up for disappointment in 2008. Gone is ubermensch Rashard Mendenhall, the undoubted powertrain of the Illinois spread option offense. Mendenhall was a first-round draft pick of the Steelers, who know a thing or two about tailbacks, and he left only some ominous statements about Ron Zook.

Back, however, is Juice Williams (seen at right), who runs like Tommie Frazier and throws like Frasier Crane. Ron Zook is expecting Juice (who, we might remind you, frequently got benched in the 4th quarter of tight games) to complete 70% of his passes. This prompted the biggest howls of derisive laughter in athletic history since Prince challenged Charlie Murphy to hoops (though, in the spirit of fairness, we know how that turned out).

Most of all, though, the Illinois schedule basically guarantees mediocrity. Illinois can't possibly win a road game or lose a home game until November, and this will be Year 1 of the Ron Zook Contract Extension Hangover in Shampoo-Bananas.

IOWA HAWKEYES

The Hawkeyes are a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a felony. Just when you think embattled head coach Kirk Ferentz has excised his team of the sowers of discord, they're rocked by allegations of institutional mistreatment of a sexual assault victim and then by COED NAKED CAMPUS 5K. "If you're not out of breath, you're not trying hard enough!"

On the field, however, Iowa's 2007 was such a disaster that the Hawkeyes cannot help but improve, and their schedule is Caketown. How easy? For one, Maine might not be their worst opponent. They miss Michigan and Ohio State. And their toughest road game is either Illinois or, like, Pitt.

For a talent-challenged squad like Iowa, this looks like the perfect recipe for a 7-5, hand-wringingly mediocre season. Really, though, anywhere from three to 10 wins are possible.

MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS

Though their recent history easily makes them the primest target for ridicule in the Big Ten (you could start here or here or here or here or here), the SPARTAAANS!! probably won't be confused with the dregs and detritus of the Big Ten this season. They return big-armed QB Brian Hoyer and TB Javon Ringer, both fixtures in the MSU backfield since the Reagan administration.

But trying to divine what Michigan State will do on even any given week, much less over the course of a season, is a fool's pursuit; Sparty's capable of both huge victories and hilarious losses, and nobody knows when either head will be reared. For this reason, expect three upsets on each side of the docket and six games to go by the book. Trying to bet on which will only leave you broke and humiliated.

Also, on a side note, I really miss Bobby Williams. That guy made John L. Smith look like Knute Rockne.

PURDUE BOILERMAKERS

Purdue starts this season mired somewhere between "ho" and "hum," which is hardly the proper way to send off a coach like Joe Tiller, currently the second-most tenured coach in the Big Ten (most tenured if you don't count the undead) (that was an age joke) (against Joe Paterno) (who is old) (old = funny when you're not old) (I will never ever turn 30).

Curtis Painter is a consensus choice for at least Second-Team All-Big Ten, but his huge numbers belie a startling inefficiency. Nonetheless, his ability to shred bad defenses, combined with his coach's love of the forward pass, will amp up the early hype level again this year before the Boilermakers come crashing to earth and win, like, five games in the Big Ten, tops.

Look on the bright side, though; Tiller can go back to contributing to society the way he does best: YouTube.