As you're likely aware--or not, whatever--the Big Ten Media Days are this week. While Brian Cook has been dutifully filing updates, the rest of Fanhouse has been specifically barred from attendance after an unfortunate incident last year involving a duck and seven quarts of canola oil. Mistakes were made. Nonetheless, we were able to acquire a full transcript of JoePa's appearance at Media Day for you. And by "acquire" we mean "totally make up."

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Err, gentlemen. I'm literally the only woman here.
And please do not hit on me. Sportswriters are absolutely disgusting.
Anyway, I'm Mr. Paterno's secretary. He should be out here in a minute to talk for a little bit and talk about this exciting season of Penn State football. Can I get a cheer from you Nittany Lions fans out there? Let's hear it! WE ARE!
(crickets)
WE ARE!
(from the back of the room) I-O!
(everyone else) HAHAHAHAHAHA
Screw you guys. Anything else before we get started?
Is this going to be as incoherent as last year? And the last 30 years?
Oh, worse. It's going to be a horror show. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Paterno!
(raucous, earnest applause)
(steps to the microphone)
ahem
hello everybody
you all look exactly like the inside of a podium
Oh, God. did someone take his phone book? He needs that if he speaks in public!
i hear secretary but i see wood
There you go. Up you go. Jump up! Up, JoePa! Up!
GOOD MORNING EVERYBODY. THIS IS MR. PATERNO, THANK YOU
I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA WHY I AM HERE TODAY, SEEING AS HOW THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF FAT BALDING WHITE MEN EATING CHOCOLATE DOUGH-NUTS AND BREAKING LAWN CHAIRS
I HAVE BEEN NAMED PRESIDENT OF FOOTBALL AND THIS IS MY INAUGURATION
Not exac
I SUPPOSE IT IS INCUMBENT--THAT IS A PRESIDENTIAL JOKE--UPON ME TO DESCRIBE MY BEGINNINGS WITH THE SWEET SCIENCE OF PIG'S SKIN. FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO--THAT IS ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL JOKE
I AM ON FIRE LIKE THE MAINE
REMEMBER THE MAINE, CURSE THE WRETCHED SPANIARDS
FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN I SAW MY VERY FIRST FOOTBALL GAME BETWEEN COLGATE AND YALE, BEFORE THE FORE-WARD PASS HAD STAINED THE SPORT AS WE KNOW IT. COLGATE HAD A YOUNG MAN NAMED LINUS O'HANRAHAN, A FIENDISH IRISHMAN WITH A SHORT TEMPER AND A SHORTER VOCABULARY. HE SHATTERED THE LEFT END'S MANDIBLE WITH A FLYING ELBOW AND THREW THE FULLBACK INTO THE STANDS, A SCENE OF UNIMAGINABLY GRUESOME EXSANGUINATION
IT WAS GREAT FUN FOR ALL AND I DECIDED I WOULD DEVOTE MY ENTIRE LIFE TO THE SPORT, A PLEDGE I KEPT EVEN AFTER THE DASTARDLY TRAITOR TED ROOSEVELT BANNED THE CASUAL VIOLENCE
SO I STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY AS PROUD AS A FRENCHMAN WHO HAS JUST COMMITTED HIS FIRST ARSON, PROUD OF BEING NAMED PRESIDENT OF FOOTBALL
FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS TO MAKE MY SON ILLEGAL
Hey!
HOHOHO, YES
Dad, is that... Ed McMahon? Why on earth is he here?
THAT IS QUITE THE TALE
HOW HOT WAS IT, JOHNNY
IT TURNS OUT THAT MISTER MCMAHON, THANK YOU, HAS BEEN DOWN ON HIS LUCK ON ACCOUNT OF HIS SIX MILLION DOLLAR HOME BECOMING TOO MUCH OF A FINANCIAL BURDEN
NOT A WISE INVESTMENT, YES
SO HE MAY BE STAYING WITH US A WHILE
Aw, am I going to be sharing a room with him? Dang it Dad, you know I use the upper bunk for storage!
SILENCE, JUNIOR, HE WILL SLEEP IN THE GARAGE. HE IS ALSO THE NEW OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR
23 X OSCAR SNAP DRAW LEAD, ON HIYOOOO TWO
He can't possibly learn the Spread HD! The Spread HD is the most unstoppable offense in all of time! I get like 36 points a game on NCAA Football 2003 with it on Varsity level! I play it on Varsity because the computer cheats on All-American.
All I need is Woody Dantzler or 1995 Nebraska QB #15
I HAVE WATCHED YOUR SPREAD HD AND IT IS BASICALLY TWO PEOPLE RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER AT FULL SPEED SEVEN YARDS BEHIND THE LINE
THAT IS THE STRAIGHT STUFF, YES
Mr. Paterno? May we ask a question? This is Media Days and we like to ask questions that have absolutely nothing to do with your job. We love to let down our readers in every way imaginable. So my question is, what's your favorite day of the week to look at trees?
WHAT
Should the field be lengthened to 200 yards?
OH GOD NO
Life Savers: past their prime?
ARE YOU ON THE DRUGS
HIYOOO
What's most important to Penn State taking the next step this season: better line play, consistency at quarterback, or shifting offensive and defensive tendencies?
GOOD HEAVENS, AN ACTUAL FOOTBALL QUESTION. WELL, LET ME START BY POIN
Hahahaha, psyyyyyche
How small is "too small" as throw pillows go?
GOD DAMN IT I HATE MEDIA DAY