The Iowa State Cyclones have a breathless question to ask you.

How does football, fun with friends and fantastic food sound to you?

We can all agree that on its face, that is an appealing offer.

If that is an appealing offer

Yes, we've established that.

...the Iowa State University Athletics Department in cooperation with Applebee's has a deal that you won't want to miss.

I feel terribly lied to.

Iowa State is unveiling the "Applebee's Mini-Pack," where you can purchase three game tickets and receive $20 in Applebee's food stamps gift certificates. The entire thing costs $99 (or 1,980 Chizik Nickels), which is a small price to pay for watching a lousy football team struggle with South Dakota State and lose to two conference opponents.

The Applebee's thing is the biggest slap in the face, though. Twenty bucks doesn't buy you squat at Applebee's, except approximately 1.21 meals or half a buzz at the bar. Further, it's Applebee's, the longest running punchline in the uneventful history of sterile, suburban family eateries. This is usually how conversations about eating at Applebee's go in a typical American household:

Parent: Do you want to go out to eat at Applebee's?
Child: Absolutely not.
Parent: Me neither.

Oh, Iowa State. Give up the charade and offer to join the MAC already. They'd love you.