If College Football Teams Were Comedians

Intrepid writers have long earched for perfect comparisons for football teams. We've seen Simpsons characters, Arrested Development characters, cars, potato chips, and the granddaddy of them all, rappers. Here, we add another chapter to the canon of contextualization: standup comedians.


Frank Caliendo: UCLA

Your absolute, ultimate, professional pretender. Sure, they're popular, but that's because they're right there in Hollywood. Setting foot on national TV for the sole purpose of getting laughed right back off of it. An uncanny ability to make people sick of them before enjoying them.

Key comparison: HIS COACHNESS SIR RICK NEUHEISEL <3 and Caliendo's impression of John Madden. Lucky they're next to someone who knows what the hell he's talking about--"Thanks, John."

George Carlin: Penn State

Transcendent in the 80s, still outstanding in the 90s, but now the wheels are off the track, and the words most bandied about are "senile," "bitter," and "angry."

Key comparison: George Carlin's voice and Joe Paterno's voice. Somewhere between gravelly and demonic at this point.

[NOTE: Carlin passed away after this portion was written, but there's absolutely zero chance that he would want people dodging jokes about him in the wake of his death.]

Dane Cook: Texas

Undeniably popular, and probably earning it. Probably. Sure, there's an odor of douche to it all (Colt McCoy, get a real name, please), but that comes with popularity these days, right? Right? Whatever, you're just jealous.

Key comparison: Superfinger and Hook'Em salute. Put them together, and it's Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

Jeff Foxworthy: West Virginia

Give them 15 minutes, and they'll paint an even more horrifying picture of rednecks than usual. Bizarrely successful.

Key comparison: "If you celebrate a win by taking your living room outside and setting it on fire..."

Jim Gaffigan: BYU

Whiter than white. That goes for the fanbase, too. Still, lovably competent without any delusions of grandeur.

Key comparison: "He looks like a Mormon. What's wrong with looking like a Mormon??"

Mitch Hedberg: California

Look, when your school features hippies named "Dumpster Muffin" trying to save the trees and urinating on people, you automatically get the highest man that ever walked the earth. Aside from Snoop Dogg.

Key comparison: "When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns" and Marshawn Lynch commandeering the injury cart.

Sam Kinison: Texas A&M

"Different" doesn't begin to describe the level of aberrant behavior on display on a routine basis. And what's with all the yelling? Must they seriously lead in the field of yelling? Oh, the answer is "yes"? Okay then.

Key comparison: That car crash and the Dennis Franchione Era. And that's being kind to Franchione.

Larry the Cable Guy: Arkansas

While they're playing off a reputation for being country as hell, they're actually running an incredibly profitable operation, and that's no accident, despite being only tangentially connected with the concept of quality.

Key comparison: "Soooooeeeeee!" and "Get 'er done." You're getting played, fans. Hard. Don't be giving them money just because they repeat some backward-ass, nonsensical phrase every five minutes.
BONUS! key comparison: Witless Protection and Houston Nutt.

Carlos Mencia: Ohio State

We don't care what their bank account says, anyone with half a brain cell knows they're fake as hell. Every second they spend in a state of popularity and success, another decent American stops believing in a just and loving God. A fan base with a uniformly room-temperature IQ. Someone please, please shut them up.

Key comparison: "Der Dee Der" and "O-H-I-O." I learned how to spell "Ohio" when I was three, and was no longer proud of knowing how when I was four. Just sayin'.

Eddie Murphy: Notre Dame

Despite what their name tells you, they're not exactly 100% Irish. Was on top of the world for an extended period of time, but what exactly have they accomplished in the last, oh, 15 years? They put all their eggs in the "insane obesity" basket, and uh, that may not have been the wisest long-term solution.

Key comparison: Charlie Weis and Nutty Professor/Norbit. Brilliant, guys, just brilliant.


Patton Oswalt: Northwestern

Brilliant? Totally. Ass-ugly? Equally so. Unqualified success and superstardom? Ehhh, not quite. If you're looking for discussion of Star Trek, Dungeons & Dragons, or Magic: The Gathering, this is your jam, man. Just don't expect to impress the ladies when you show up to a party in a t-shirt with their name on it.

Same goes. And let's just go ahead and complete the "Comedians of College Football":

Zach Galifianakis: Stanford

I gave Stanford to Zach for the sweater. That's all.

Key comparison: Look at those guys. Like I'm comparing LSU to any of them. C'mon. Anyway, we have an alphabetical order* to uphold.

Michael Richards: Ole Miss

Look, we all know what that flag's all about, and it ain't tradition or states' rights.

Key comparison: Stanley Spadowski and Archie Manning. Transcendent talent on an otherwise laughable outfit.

Chris Rock: Miami

Unhinged enough to scare just about all the white fans. Not scare them away, mind you, but just keeping them abreast of the fact that there's a strange, scary world out there, and they're best admiring from a safe, large distance.

Key comparison: No Sex in the Champagne Room and The Seventh Floor Crew. Two vastly divergent, if equally candid, views on sexuality and the world as a whole.
BONUS! key comparison: Ray Lewis is totally the Tossed Salad Man.

Sinbad: Oregon

A federal sartorial disaster area. Yeah, keep telling us it's stylish for the era. That won't make you any less of a punchline once ten (err, five) years pass. Just stop embarrassing yourself.

Key comparison: White people run the spread option like this (Leaf, Brady), black people run it like this (Dixon, Dennis).

Carrot Top: Syracuse

Did you know that they were technically successful for a while? Now completely unwatchable. Orange in places where there ought not be orange (WARNING: SFW, BUT NOT ADVISABLE FOR WORK, LUNCH, SANITY). Would best serve humanity by being blasted into space.

Key comparison: Prop comedy and Greg Robinson's offense.

Judy Tenuta: Iowa State

Deriving any pleasure from what they do requires a heavy amount of at least one of the following: cynicism, schadenfreude, mental instability.

Key comparison: Let's just move on.

Ron White: Florida

More urbane than most of the rednecks with whom they're in league, which makes them more likable. Wearing a doo-doo-eatin' sneer awhile they rip off hit after hit. And of course, this is just for the long and beautiful history they've got with the mustache. Rock on. Oh, and for that matter...

Ron White: Illinois

Yessir.

Key comparisons: Shhh. Don't try to put words to it. Let the magic happen.

That's all we've got for right now, and if you've got some ideas, compliments, or complaints, the comment box is right down there. Just rest assured that I am always very right and if you disagree with anything in this article, you are very wrong. Oh, and Arkansas, you're totally getting ripped off, don't even bother voicing disagreement. Sorry.

*I can't decide if "the Alphabetical Order" is more likely to be a villian in the Harry Potter or Da Vinci Code series. Maybe both.