Mascots Need an Assist in the Bathroom

Pictured here is Michigan State's mascot Sparty at last night's fête for EA Sports' NCAA Football '09. He was, at best, an incongruous presence throughout the evening.

Mascots are designed to stand out in spacious stadiums filled with thousands of people, where their cartoon heads and giant limbs are clearly visible from the upper deck. In a crowded Manhattan night club, a mascot's caterwauling charm is lost. There simply isn't enough elbow room for the wide-ranging radii of their pantomime that serves as their sole form of communication, and three times last night I turned around and found myself looking into the huge lifeless eyes and furrowed plush brow from a mere two feet away.

And I suspect it's no more comfortable for the man inside the costume. The bathroom at Marquee -- the club that hosted the party -- is typical of swanky clubs anywhere: candles on every flat surface and an attendant lording over a selection of colognes and tip basket. Since it's New York City, I wasn't particularly put off by two men's voices coming from the one stall, but when part of the conversation is "damn mascot costume" while Sparty's helmet is visible above the divider, well, that will catch a man's attention.

A minute after the conversation stopped, Sparty exited the stall -- fully plush, once again inhuman, his personal bathroom assistant in tow. He was relieved ... and so was I when he finally left.