Here's why athletic directors are frowning today...It's time to play Guess The Misdemeanor!: As a coach, Greg Schiano has to make decisions. Most of them are easy, like "should I blitz against Syracuse" (yes) and "should I sell an internal organ in order to bribe Ray Rice to stay" (yes again--the left kidney and a lobe of the liver).
When it comes to player discipline, the answers aren't so simple. So when Schiano found out defensive tackle Justin Francis was arrested, he suspended the young man, then informed the media. Nobody likes a secretive coach, after all. But he decided not to provide the specifics of the arrest itself, which we celebrate as an even better decision. Why? Because it allows us the opportunity to engage in reckless speculation! AOL cannot attest to the veracity of any of these rumors, of course--mainly because this author making them up right now--but we're confidently narrowing down the list of possible infractions to the ones listed below.
- Riding a puma through the drive-thru at the local Arby's. Pumas are endangered, pal!
- Running an illegal bronzer smuggling ring. Yes, it's Jersey, so the market's there, but get a permit, for crissakes.
- Parking fifteen stolen cars on the tarmac at Newark International Airport. Pilots do not appreciate "obstacle courses."
- Puma bombing. Again with the pumas!
Virginia is for lovers, and State College is for drunk drivers: Penn State tight end Andrew Quarless, who is probably to the point where you can confidently add "Troubled" to the beginning of all descriptions of him, was arrested early Sunday morning on suspicion of DUI. Though the charges weren't formally handed down until Thursday, he was suspended immediately after his arrest by Joe Paterno.
- SPECIAL NCAA SHENANIGANS BONUS: According to the Penn State rivals.com affiliate, Quarless was driving a white BMW when he was arrested, and that may be a problem:
Multiple sources have told FOS that the car did not belong to him, but rather a friend he was with late Saturday night.Yes, the NCAA ban on driving other peoples' cars is unfairly punitive. Who among us has never borrowed a car during college? But obviously, there's room for abuse, so the rule's existence is, on its face, a little understandable. That's why this author would like to reiterate a proposed Hoopty Clause: a player may borrow a car if its list value is below $4,000 and it will absolutely, positively not get a normal person laid. A Bimmer likely violates even that clause too, so expect the NCAA compliance bloodhounds to come sniffing around Penn State pretty soon.
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?: Among Pete Carroll's myriad qualities and good deeds is his practice of visiting the inner city of Los Angeles late at night, to no fanfare or publicity. There's no way of knowing if he was out there Wednesday night, but if he was, he had clearly chosen the wrong neighborhood--elsewhere in Compton, recruit Maurice Simmons was getting arrested for armed robbery.
According to the police report, the alleged victim flagged down a police officer in the area, and Simmons and another suspect were apprehended shortly thereafter as they left the scene. With the stolen property. And a gun.
Simmons is in jail, held on $50,000 bail, and suspended from the USC football team.
Believe it or not, this is not a repeat: Here's a story about an incoming freshman at one of the top football programs in the nation, arrested in possession of stolen property and a gun. Again. This time, it was Oklahoma recruit Josh Jarboe, who gets an F-minus in both lawfulness and originality. Well, actually, F-plus--he at least got arrested at school, which is probably the worst place to bring a firearm, outside of a hospital nursery or the set of a game show where if you don't have a gun, they give you a million dollars.
There's been no word on whether Oklahoma has suspended Jarboe, but after two felony charges, the news can't be good--it's not like Bob Stoops is going to reward him with orange slices or a car full of money. Jarboe's future with the team is, shall we say, in doubt.
Kids these days, with their guns and robberies and rap music. Whatever happened to wholesome entertainment like Lawrence Welk?
