Here's why athletic directors are frowning this morning...
We've been saying it for years: snowballs are just a gateway weapon to screwdrivers and knives: Two Utah football players and a recruit they were hosting at a university-sanctioned party are recovering after being attacked by knife- and screwdriver-wielding assailants on Friday. The escalating factor in the scuffle? A snowball.
Freshman defensive end Paul Kruger (same name as his father), junior defensive lineman Greg Newman and Kruger's younger brother David, a recruit who plans to sign with the Utes next month, told the men to "shut up" and "get out of here." Kruger's father said Newman threw a snowball at the car during the exchange and the occupants then got out of the vehicle.As mentioned in the article, the Deseret News obtained all the information about the attack from the father of one of the victims. That's not so great if you're looking for unbiased information (Paul, he explained, then ran over to the men and said, "Look this is not worth getting into a scuffle over."), but awesome for things you'll never hear east of the Continental Divide (Kruger's father said Meredith (he couldn't recall her last name) saved his son's "bacon" by immediately calling 911 for an ambulance when his blood pressure began to drop).
"Splashes cause severe irritation, possible corneal burns and eye damage." Hiiiiigh-larious!: From the Institute of Phenomenally Poor Ideas comes this story from the University of Washington, where junior Xavier Hicks was arrested and suspended after soaking teammate Grady Maxwell's contacts in rubbing alcohol. That's particularly unwise behavior for someone who plays "safety" (sorry), since--as noted in the header--rubbing alcohol doesn't belong in one's eyes.
According to Pullman, Washington's newspaper, the Daily Evergreen (which sounds more like the most boring blog ever), the entire incident began because Maxwell owed Hicks money. The two are roommates, so naturally the only way to resolve the dispute was through ocular sabotage.
Fortunately, Maxwell was fine; the rubbing alcohol caused the contact lenses to expand, which tipped him off that treachery was afoot before he placed them in his eyes. Take note, sadistic prankers: the rubbing alcohol contact lens trick doesn't work. Amend plans accordingly.
The coaches ignored all the warning signs--bloodshot eyes, decreased attention span, 'Kid Charlemagne' as a ringtone: The Missouri football team lost 275 pounds two weeks ago--not as a result of diet and exercise, mind you, but after reserve defensive end John Stull's third arrest and subsequent dismissal from the team.
According to the Columbia Tribune, Stull was in possession of marijuana, synthetic pills, and cocaine. That's two felonies and a misdemeanor. He's also 20, so the booze in his apartment was a bad idea--there's another misdemeanor. So really, why not give the officer a false ID, right? Not so fast, McLovin--that's misdemeanor #4.
All told, this case may shatter the Fulmer Cup as we know it. Stull was originally awarded three points, but that seems low for two felonies and four misdemeanors, plus any style points that may come into play (because, well, holy crap). Watch for a possible adjustment in days to come.
