Willingham Calls Shenanigans, Diagnosed With Advanced Crazy

Paging Nurse Ratched: The asylum has a new patient. And he might just be a little bit more unstable than Max Taber.

Tyrone Willingham appears to be a pretty level guy. He holds a degree from Michigan State University and has held coaching positions at some of this country's finest academic institutions -- Rice, Stanford, and Notre Dame. Despite these facts, one should not keep sharp or shiny objects anywhere in his vicinity.

In his weekly football press address, Willingham espoused and expanded on the notion that the Carrier Dome -- an enclosed facility created by dense concrete and an impermeable teflon roof -- served as Syracuse's vehicle for unmitigated tomfoolery. Such claims have been leveled before, but such accusations usually pertained to the Dome staff piping in artificial crowd noise. Willingham, however, sees a greater evil perpetrated by Syracuse -- the Orange is playing the role of Mother Nature and creating wind patterns within the (enclosed) Carrier Dome:

"I'll be all over the weather report trying to figure out which door they open in the Dome to create the wind," said Willingham. "You laugh. No, when you play at some other places, you know that's important."

Willingham said there are differences playing in Dome stadiums such as the structure of the building and the lighting. Then he went a step further.

"The wind is different," Willingham said. "Some people would say, what wind? Always in a dome, you open certain doors. Things happen. It's a totally different environment."

Translating Willingham's comments from "not a risk to society" to "Studebakers are the tool of the devil!," Willingham's comments look as follows:

Apples are delicious, but the worms in my brain make my underpants itchy. Gobbledeegook, ribblerobble, if you wash my hair the government will learn the secrets of man!"

This may not come as a surprise to anyone not currently coaching the Washington Huskies, but a dome, in its very essence, is to provide shelter from the elements. In fact, the Carrier Dome is so enclosed that the facility must stay pressurized so as to keep the stadium's roof functioning and aloft. To allow sustained, steady, and directionalized breezes to infiltrate the facility would ruin the stadium's delicate atmosphere.

It's simple physics, but in the World of Willingham, physics is a common ruse to distract us all from the real governor of the universe: ham and cheese sandwiches.