Only In Ohio: They Named Him "Tressel Hayes"

Yes, Ohio's quest to surpass Alabama as the home of the nation's most sadly deranged college football fans continues apace:

"Tressel Hayes Huffines -- sounds as sweet as an OSU victory over Michigan," Brent Huffines, 27, said Sunday while cradling the 3-day-old boy in the neonatal intensive care unit at Ohio State University Medical Center.

But wait, there's more! Tressel Hayes Huffines is the sixth Ohio child in the past four years to be named "Tressel". All of them await a life wherein they seethe with impotent rage at their boss Meyer Spurrier Randomlastname but are powerless to do anything but watch as he runs off with their wives, adopts their children, and burns down their house Keyser Soze style. But Huffines alone will punch some random South Carolinian who wanders into the wrong McDonalds one fateful morning and intercepts an apple pie destined for one of his buddies.
(Disclaimer: Michigan fan, owned by Ohio State, you are my daddy, etc etc etc. At least I'm naming my hypothetical kids things like "Howard," which is a completely plausible first name, if one destined to get the poor thing's face kicked in on a regular basis.)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

4-09-2007 @ 4:05PM

jerry said...

What a pointless blog, seems to me someone should perhaps start kicking your face in on a regular basis.

4-09-2007 @ 8:36PM

Other Andrew said...

Luckily, he could end up changing his name. I mean, "Would you shop at a store called Unpainted Huffhines?!?"

4-09-2007 @ 4:48PM

Sampson said...

They should have named their kid :Florida S Bi*ch

4-09-2007 @ 7:13PM

nestea said...

For their next kid,he's going to stick it in her a*s and send the results to Michigan.

4-09-2007 @ 8:18PM

Rick said...

Another worthless blog. Why AOL links things to crap like this is beyond me. I am a Florida fan who is originally from Ohio. Insulting children or people because of their name or what they name them is classless. GO Gators. GO Buckeys and Blogger...go get a life or keep it to something meaningful about the game. By the way....when you say Howard....do you mean Desmond? Who is originally from Ohio? Glad we could lend him to you. I am guessing you are just angry because your middle name is Fry.

4-09-2007 @ 9:24PM

andrew said...

jerry wrote: "What a pointless blog, seems to me someone should perhaps start kicking your face in on a regular basis."

There you have it, folks! The level of class that is Ohio!

4-09-2007 @ 8:29PM

Ann Arbor said...

Dumbazz buckeye fans !! Always doing something stupid !!

4-09-2007 @ 10:13PM

jude said...

florida fans can go fu*k themselves....If someone wants to name their son Tressel Hayes, he can do it. He won't get his face punched in when he is older because that is a sweet name..and if someone tries to punch his face in he would get the sh*it beat out of him because Tressel Hayes will be strong and able to defend himself... and Tressel Hayes's boss wouldnt steal his wife because if Tressel will be a great father and husband.... and he will be much more successful than his boss or anyone in his office. THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY and i wish Tressel Hayes Huffines the best of luck in his career as an OHIO STATE BUCKEYE! GO BUCKS!

4-09-2007 @ 11:22PM

Dan said...

Andrew wrote: "There you have it, folks! The level of class that is Ohio!"

Grow up, Andrew. I'm not from Ohio but slamming the entire state like that shows that you're about as bright as the guy you're criticizing. Nice job. But hey, it's great that you think you're clever and funny.

I'm with Rick. Why does AOL link to this fanhouse nonsense? They mix in the blog links with the regular story links. Unreal. Nice job, AOL.

4-10-2007 @ 1:26AM

khaddad10 said...

Re comment on Howard, Desmond:

Lol you lent him to us? How about he didn't wanna go to OSU because, dammit, OSU wasn't quite appealing enough for him? Thanks for pointing that one out. Too easy.

Also, for all of you who think this story is pointless...you try and come up with a football related story when 1) all of the spring practice questions for practically every team have been addressed already and 2) no players are being arrested. And WOAHHHHH mixing of links! The earth is going to explode as a direct result. Idiots.

4-10-2007 @ 1:28AM

kgh10 said...

Re comment on Howard, Desmond:

Lol you lent him to us? How about he didn't wanna go to OSU because, darnit, OSU wasn't quite appealing enough for him? Thanks for pointing that one out. Too easy.

Also, for all of you who think this story is pointless...you try and come up with a football related story when 1) all of the spring practice questions for practically every team have been addressed already and 2) no players are being arrested. And WOAHHHHH mixing of links! The earth is going to explode as a direct result. Idiots.

4-10-2007 @ 9:13AM

rick said...

Hilarious... Buckeye fans can't even admit that this is stupid, they just resort to making fun of Brian...

I'm a die hard wolverine fan, and if someone named their kid Schembechler Yost, I'd make fun of them as well. Come OSU fans - admit it - that's the lamest thing you've ever heard, brought into relief by the fact that 5 other people went with the same name, for undoubtedly the same reason. And we're not making fun of the kid for having the name, we're making fun of the parents for being STUPID.

4-10-2007 @ 10:11AM

Dan, there are a few things you must understand. First, AOL does not "link to this fanhouse nonsense." Rather, AOL owns Fanhouse and employs writers it feels are witty and have a passion for the sports about which they write. Second, the writer (Brian Cook) is sarcastic. If you've never read the blogs Every Day Should Be Saturday, MGoBlog, Deadspin, etc, then you have no idea of the context from which Brian is coming. Third, this story was first reported by ESPN and, as such, is in the mainstream media. You may think it's silly and pointless, but don't blame Brian for linking to it. Blame ESPN for reporting on it in the first place.

The fact is that it's out there, it's ridiculous, and the commentary is funny. Then again, I know Brian's work and appreciate the humor it brings.

4-10-2007 @ 11:19AM

michmbk said...

If you don't like the blog, why spend so much time reading it, and posting a criticism of it. There are a lot of us who think the fanhouse blogs are entertaining, especially Brian's blog, since he's an excellent writer with some great statistical analysis as well.

One of the things I find so pathetic about criticism on the internet is that it's so easy for people to act so tough and nasty when they're typing from the sanctity of their own home or workplace, and type inappropriate, inane comments that they would never say face to face.

4-21-2007 @ 12:43AM

Carmen said...

Quote:
"Ohio's quest to surpass 'Alabama' as the home of the nation's most sadly deranged college football fans."

I wish you had qualified that to read "the University of Alabama", as everyone in the state does not fit that catagory.

WAR EAGLE!

4-22-2007 @ 10:41PM

Keith said...

I'm an avid Ohio State fan and I think this name is retarded. Tressel Hayes XXXXXX?? WTF? Why not simply James Woodrow if you really had to name your kid after two great coaches. (Not that I would EVER name my kid after a sports figure)

As for making it a blog story.... I notice its linked to the Gator and Rodent blogs.... I take that to mean Brian is simply looking for attention to his blog from the lowest common denominator. Sorta like a Moveon.org for sports.